CHICAGO – The Chicago Cubs recently announced the signing of ex-Red-Sox general manager Theo Epstein to a 5 year-$20 million contract, making him one of the highest paid non-players on the Cubs directly behind Carlos Zambrano, Alfonso Soriano, and Ryan Dempster. Epstein, who is just coming off the most unproductive month of his career with the Red Sox, is expected to fit in flawlessly with the overpaid, underperforming style of play the Cubs have perfected over the years.

“We are excited and overjoyed to have Theo Epstein join us as the newest member of our organization. It has always been a priority for us to find people who have had success in the past, pay them an exorbitant amount of money, and have them underperform year after year.  We feel that Theo will be able to provide all the heartbreak and radio talk show fodder that Cubs fans need for the foreseeable future,” explained Cubs owner Joe Ricketts.

In 2004, Epstein led the Red Sox to their first World Series championship in 86 years, a feat Cubs fans call bush-league compared to their current 103 year drought.

Epstein however, took the high road in describing his previous accomplishment.  “It is a fact that more New Englanders died in the 86 years between Red Sox championships than there were casualties in World War II. That makes the Red Sox drought, which I ended, deadlier than Hitler and the Plague combined.”

Critics of the Cubs signing claim that the team faces the same risks that the Red Sox faced shortly after they signed Epstein, which include boosting attendance, ending their cherished losing streak, and becoming relevant in the baseball world.

Steve Bartman, a hero to hundreds of thousands of Cubs fans criticized the move. “Can you believe the risk Ricketts is taking in signing Theo? While I am sure in the long term he will continue our losing ways, we run the risk of actually winning a championship in the meantime.  If we win, that bastard will have ended a combined 189 years of losing tradition. Even the French haven’t lost for that long!”

Sources in DC report that the Washington Nationals, who haven’t made the World Series since 1969, are already in line to sign Epstein after he leaves the Cubs.

CHICAGO – A local fan is upset after learning no one cares that he cost the White Sox their final game of the year. When Bart Stevens, 28, snatched an easily catchable foul ball from directly above the mitt of outfielder Juan Pierre, he expected boos, thrown beer bottles, and crazed fans attempting to hurt him.

“I was waiting to get hit over the back of the head with something or to get punched by a rabid Sox supporter,” Stevens lamented. “Instead, everyone just shrugged and went back to what they were doing.”

The subdued reaction from White Sox fans is a far cry from the attention Cubs fans gave to a fan who similarly interfered. ESPN recently released the documentary Catching Hell about a Cubs fan who caught a foul ball during Game 6 of the 2003 playoffs and was subsequently stalked, harassed, and threatened by the media and fans.

“I was expecting the whole star treatment too. Movie deal, crazed fans sending death threats, reporters stalking me in the parking lot, the whole shebang,” whined Stevens.

Instead, Stevens was completely ignored. The White Sox officials told him he could try to sell the ball online for a couple of bucks.

“I’m trying to pay off my mortgage! That Cubs ball went for over $100,000. I’ve got no bids on Ebay, and it started at $1. That’s cheaper than a new ball at Walmart!” Stevens grumbled.

Even the media is not interested; ESPN refuses return his calls, and the Chicago Tribune has filed for a restraining order. The Spartan Banner, the school paper from a local high school whose students attended the game as a field trip, covered the story without mentioning Stevens.

The Flipside decided to publish this article after Stevens begged in person. The third time Stevens approached the Flipside for attention, he burst into tears, prompting one sympathetic writer to spend her coffee break on this story.

“I never would have caught this ball had I known how little people would care,” Stevens muttered. “I had planned on taunting Ozzie at a press conference, but they even took that away from me.”

CHICAGO – Groupon has scheduled a screening of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off at Wrigley Field on the first Saturday of October for the next 100 years.

“It became readily apparent over the past few years that the Cubs will never have use for Wrigley Field in October,” Andrew Mason, CEO of Groupon, stated in a press conference. “They are just an incredibly shitty baseball team.”

The Cubs have not had a winning record in three seasons. Despite boasting impressive household names like star-crossed shortstop Starlin Castro and “mild-mannered” ace Carlos Zambrano, Chicago ended its season without making the playoffs.

“We’re looking for winners,” manager Mike Quade said after the San Diego Padres’ 9-2 victory over the Cubs to end the season. “We’re exploring all options to fill our roster. We will be actively looking for new starters at every position, and our recruiting process will begin with the crowd at the Ferris Bueller screening.”

No prior experience is necessary. Potential players interested in trying out, however, are encouraged to be able to recognize when the game is going on, swing and miss in clutch situations, and take out any aggression on future teammates.

“I think Ferris would be a great fit for the team,” self-proclaimed film “critic” and “Cubs fanatic” Armond Grossman proclaimed. “His sprint home at the end of the film? He’ll be good for 80, 90 stolen bases, easy.”

In other news, Red Sox fans tried to justify their marginal relevance to the baseball world by screening Fever Pitch at Fenway Park.

CHICAGO—While watching the popular Fox show Glee, Abbey Ladder misinterpreted her boyfriend’s apparent disgust for the show. “I know it’s got a lot of singing in it, but it’s really not as gay as you say it is,” Abbey protested to Gary Bender, her boyfriend of one year.

It was not the show that was bothering him, but one of the promotions for postseason baseball.

“Not seeing the Cubs in the World Series always instills an unwavering anger in me. I can’t stand watching Fox at this time of the year.”

Abbey, who is always trying to comfort her boyfriend’s Chicago-sports-induced temper tantrums, insisted that everything would work out in the end. “Don’t worry, honey; I’m sure the Cubs will win the Super Bowl someday.”

Gary then proceeded to roll his eyes, blurt out a couple of curse words, and down 4 shots of vodka all in the next two minutes.

“I really don’t see what his problem is,” added Abbey. “Always pouting over something. So the Cubs haven’t won a match in 10 years. At least the Blackhawks are good this season. I hear they score a lot of touchdowns.”

“Well, I suppose it could be worse,” thought Gary while clinging to a pair of Coronas, “I could be a…oh shit, what’s worse than a Cubs fan… [incomprehensible sobbing]… nothing.”

“I really wish you spent your money better,” Abbey pleaded to Gary. “If you would just stop wasting it on booze and ‘You Gotta Believe’ posters, you could save it for important things, like clothes.”

It was later confirmed that although Gary was upset by the World Series advertisement, he does think Glee is “fucking gay as shit” and that he should hate it because he “has a Y chromosome.” He would never let his girlfriend know that he hates her favorite show because “she does give great head.”

CHICAGO—Cubs owner Tom Ricketts told the Chicago Tribune that he’s found a new way to bring in revenue to the second highest payroll in Major League Baseball. Instead of fighting for ad space in and around historic Wrigley Field, Ricketts says he can help lessen the effect of declining attendance through walking billboards.

“The ushers have always been a part of the unique ‘Friendly Confines’ experience,” a spokesman for the Ricketts family told The Flipside. “Now, they’ll play an even larger role. Each usher will represent a different brand throughout the game.”

From tattoos to neon signs to miniature billboards that cover most of the body (but not completely, they will be designed so that fans can see through much of the ad to not detract from the elegance of the Wrigley atmosphere), ushers will, in some way or another, be walking advertisements for Cubs sponsors.

The Cubs continue to find other marketing opportunities around Wrigley and in the action. The Make-A-Wish Foundation has agreed to sponsor every Cubs homerun. Additionally, BP will sponsor every Cubs error.

In an effort to cut costs, Ricketts has decided to eliminate organ-played at-bat music. The organ was put on Craigslist yesterday. Ricketts is asking for $65 and “anyone who wants to push an organ down several ramps.”

Instead, each Cubs player will have their own theme music.

“We have You Tube open on my PC,” says Wrigley technician Frank Gorgatta. “When a certain player comes up to bat, we type in his song. It’s a good system. We get to skip those $0.99 charges on iTunes. We don’t have to pay any royalties either because we only play a couple seconds.”

The Cubs open up a weekend inter-league series today at Wrigley for the first time against the Angels.

CHICAGO—Somewhere between Alfonso Soriano striking out and purchasing a hot dog for $6, most of the 800 Northwestern students at the Cubs-Marlins game began to wonder what the point of it all was.

“Being the lovable losers is nice,” said New York native sophomore Nate Atkins of the 14-18 Cubs, who haven’t won an MLB championship since 1908. “But what are they ultimately losing?”

“Nothing,” Atkins added.

Tucked away in the corner of Wrigley Field—a field so steeped in tradition that it has old fashioned vantage points where spectators can barely see the game—NU students looked at Cubs fans spilling beer over themselves, not remotely paying attention to the game, and screaming obscenities at the White Sox, the umpire, the opposing fans, and each other.

“Where are the Cubs going?” asked Boston native Lauren Wallace as fans starting singing ‘Go Cubs, Go’ with two outs in the ninth.

Carlos Marmol proceeded to walk a batter with the bases loaded and then hit back to back batters, causing the Cubs to lose 5-4.

“There is always next year,” said Cubs fan and Medill Freshman Seth Bernstine. “But what if there isn’t? What if 2012 actually happens? What if Lou Pinalla spontaneously combusts as he argues with the umpire? What even is a year but an artificial timeline constructed by man? If time is artificial, do we even have time? Why am I here?”

SKOKIE, IL—They said it was impossible. Well, believe it! Yesterday, parents of the Skokie eight-and-under Little Leaguers witnessed a feat once thought to be unreachable. In a stunning four inning 25 to 23 nail-biter, the Cubs upset the heavily favored Athletics to capture their first World Series title in 101 years.

There’s usually no crying in baseball, but there are exceptions, especially when the conversation involves the Cubs. “When I found out I was on the Cubs this season,” explained seven year old Sam Sklare, “I started crying. The Cubs just never win. I wanted to be on a winning team.”

Many have speculated about the reason this popular franchise had gone so long without winning it all. “Whenever someone’s parents brought Kool Aid for the team snack,” second baseman Steven McMahon told Flipside reporters, “we would always lose. I think that had something to do with it.” Other theories include old man Barnaby’s black dog running across the field in 1969, denying a pet kangaroo entrance to the diamond in 1945, and Brett Eli’s stupid little sister reaching for a foul ball down the left field line in 2003. These theories are happily being put to rest.

It was a thrilling game on a cool Saturday morning. The Cubs’ starting pitcher went 2/3 of an inning, giving up thirteen runs on two hits, eleven walks, and thirteen errors. “[Zach Singer] gave us a great start. He almost threw two consecutive strikes,” noted Coach Dave. The Cubs rallied against the Athletics bullpen late in the bottom of the fourth until the game was stopped due to time constraints. A slow ground ball off the glove of the Athletics’ third baseman, subsequent throwing error by the Athletics’ left fielder, and a catching error by the Athletics’ catcher proved to be the difference.

“Coach Dave took us out for pizza afterwards,” added the Cubs’ right fielder. “I wanted to go to Disney World, but pizza is good too, I guess.” One of the two game baseballs will go directly to Cooperstown.

One of the team fathers told The Flipside at the game’s conclusion that “the coaching staff tipped off the umpire before the game. It’s amazing what a thirteen-year-old will do for twenty bucks.” Nonetheless, this is indeed a day for celebration.

COPENHAGEN—Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich announced today that Chicago’s fourth-place finish in the 2016 Olympic selection process was actually a preconceived scheme to sell the Olympics to the highest bidder.

“I’ve got these Olympics, and they’re fucking golden,” explained Blagojevich. “Almost as golden as a vacant senate seat…or my haircut.” Blagojevich went on to explain his reasoning behind the seemingly ingenious plan. “Chicago sports fans are used to waiting for things,” said the ex-governor. “I mean, look at the Cubs. They haven’t won the World Series in over 100 years. In any other city, people would start following soccer.” The city, says Blagojevich, has the patience to wait at least another four years, if not another four decades.

César Maia, mayor of Rio de Janeiro, the winning city, refused to acknowledge the purchase to The Flipside’s reporters. “There’s no evidence of corruption here in Rio. Our politics are as clean as our streets. Make sure you put something in your article about how no one gets kidnapped here. Crime in Rio is just an urban legend.” It seems obvious that Blagojevich speaks the truth. Chicago’s elimination in the first round of the voting process reeks of corruption, as does the fact that Rio de Janeiro is already hosting the World Cup in 2014.

“I didn’t just give this up for fucking nothing,” added Blagojevich. In return, Chicago has purchased one of the world’s largest festivals, known as “Carnaval.” Rio may have the summer Games in 2016, but the city of Chicago will be partying down Michigan Avenue twice a year for seemingly no reason. And you people thought traffic was going to suck because of the Olympics. Shame on you.