The following document was discovered on the bathroom floor of the North-Mid Quads Hall on the morning of November 1, 2011. Written in a hurried scrawl on parchment, our editors did their best to decipher the piece, allegedly written after the local Psi-Phi Fraternity’s themed party:

I think the scar really did the trick. Through the glow of the club lights, I could tell Beth was down for some snogging. We locked eyes from across the room, she in her buxom button-down Hermione shirt, me in my Gryffindor-colored sweater and thick-rimmed glasses. You could say sparks flew. As I floated across the dance floor avoiding dougie-ing Slytherins, my heart fluttered as she beckoned ever so gently with a Pumpkin Juice in her hand. I strolled over to the bartender and asked for two more potions. I could tell he didn’t really mean it when he responded: “Fuck off, dipshit.” Must have been some kind of spell.

I swept my bangs out of my eyes narrowly avoiding the Maybelline lightning bolt etched onto my forehead. She looked so sexy in that Hermione outfit. This was my night.

I could feel it in the air despite all the Mudblood sweat hitting my face as I approached her. She began to dance on me. Some kind of waltz or something. Things got a little more exciting. Boy, she got me all hot and bothered. Beth wasn’t acting like this at the theater party on Friday. Potter brings out the best in people.

Then suddenly she fell asleep with her arms around my neck. Damn, the bartender must have had some spell in all that ice he was throwing at us. She was so heavy. But so hot. I couldn’t let this get in the way of rounding Diagon Alley and making it all the way to Gringotts tonight. I got her on the bus when we had to leave and she followed me to NMQ where things got raucous. The neighbors complained of shouts of: 10 Points for Hufflepuff, which they heard throughout the night. To my dismay I woke to stubbly-faced Tom. He should have had two shots of Polyjuice to keep the illusion going a little longer. The things I do for horcruxes…

by b4113rh4113r

sWeEtIeBABI444: Hey
radsportsdude69: hi
sWeEtIeBABI444: How’s it going?
radsportsdude69: nm u?
sWeEtIeBABI444: uhhh… I’m just chillinnnnn
radsportsdude69: hoo is this?
sWeEtIeBABI444: Katie, frm Math
radsportsdude69: Oh, hey
radsportsdude69: sup?
sWeEtIeBABI444: not much. I already asked you that
radsportsdude69 : oh yeah lol
sWeEtIeBABI444: Wat u up to tonight?
radsportsdude69: nm u?
sWeEtIeBABI444: lol I’m hanging out with some friends. we jst watched the ring lol
radsportsdude69: I kno, shes so hot. I dnt kno y she is talking to me
radsportsdude69: Sorry… wrong window
radsportsdude69:lol
radsportsdude69: u there?
radsportsdude69: I g2g
sWeEtIeBABI444: O sry I was just checking my buddy profile
radsportsdude69: oh lol
radsportsdude69: I don’t have to go nemore
sWeEtIeBABI444: r u going to the dance this Fridayyyy?
radsportsdude69: idk, u?
sWeEtIeBABI444: yeah, im goin wit Jooooey
radsportsdude69: oh. cool.
sWeEtIeBABI444: well I should go lylab!!!!
radsportsdude69: love ya too!
sWeEtIeBABI444 has signed off. Please try again later.

Translator’s notes:

Katie: Hello.
Lester: Hello to you.
Katie: How are you doing?
Lester: Nothing much is occurring in my life. How about yourself?¹
Katie: [politely] I am just relaxing. Thank you.²
Lester: To whom am I speaking?
Katie: I am Katie; I am in the same mathematics class as you.
Lester: Hello. [again]
Lester: What is going on in your life?
Katie: My life is relatively uneventful at the moment, though you already inquired similarly at an earlier point in our exchange.
Lester: I realize this now. How funny.
Katie: In what activities are you indulging tonight?
Lester: Very few activities. How about you?
Katie: [a guffaw of sorts] I am enjoying the company of friends. We watched the film, The Ring. [guffaw]³
Lester4: She is quite exquisite. I have no idea why she takes any interest in me.
Lester: My apologies! I have sent a message to the wrong person.⁴
Lester: [guffaw]
Lester: Are you still there?
Lester: Well, I must leave now.
Katie: Sorry, I was editing my Buddy Profile.⁵
Lester: [guffaw] I see!
Lester: Perhaps I shall stay for a moment longer.
Katie: Will you be attending this Friday’s ball?
Lester: [No one would dare invite me]. You?
Katie: Why yes, I am. I will be escorted by [Lester’s arch enemy] Joseph.
Lester: [Fuck]
Katie: I must be leaving now. [You will never have a chance with me]⁶
Lester: I love you very much
Katie never received Lester’s final message.

¹ One might note that here we see a discrepancy between the question and his response.
² The colon-parenthesis combination signifies happiness in American teen iconography.
³ It is often thought that Lester begins masturbating here, however some evidence indicates he may have started when Katie introduced herself (for more, see Second Base at the Movies: Seventh Graders in the 2000’s by Thomas Honsbergh).
⁴ Lester intended this message to be sent to his friend Charles. Their conversation has been lost, but some evidence survives indicating that Lester and Charles discussed the how unlikely it was that Katie would talk to them and how Katie’s breasts were “frickn awesome,” but she had “an ok asss.”
⁵ Buddy Profiles allowed young teens to publicize who they were dating that week.
⁶ LYLAB was a common acronym for Love You Like A Brother, but was commonly meant as a clever way for women to dismiss any sexual interest in a male acquaintance.