IOWA CITY, IA – Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Human kids. Or are they? Since 1959, the Trix rabbit (pictured) has been unable to taste the sweet sugary goodness of Trix cereal. Although he has come close in nearly every commercial, his attempts have always been thwarted at the last second by young children. That all changed last Saturday.

“We just finished our team warm-ups before sitting down for breakfast in the team hotel,” a Northwestern linebacker, who wished to remain anonymous, told The Flipside. “He burst into the room and went right for the cereal cart. We tried to stop him, but we couldn’t! We did everything: we blitzed, we tried calling a timeout, we tried complaining to the official, and we even tried tackling!”

By the time the rabbit was brought down, he had eaten nearly all the Trix, ending a nearly fifty-two year cereal-drought.

“We were on the wrong side of the history books today,” remarked Head Coach Pat Fitzgerald. “As if losing to Iowa wasn’t bad enough, we’re responsible for this atrocity. Five year-olds used to stop this [rabbit], yet he got through us?”

Why did it take the Trix rabbit so long to eat Trix cereal? Why didn’t he just go to the grocery store? What about ordering from Peapod?

“There’s no reasoning with this bunny,” explained General Mills CEO Lance Vickerson. “People don’t realize he was originally created for a psychological study. We conditioned him early on to desire a new cereal we were creating, but would never let him have any. It drove him mad. We continued the study for decades and were amazed at his unwavering persistence (yet immense stupidity) toward obtaining Trix of his own.”

It seems the Trix rabbit finally wised up. It’s not too hard to fool children, but it’s really not too hard to fool Northwestern’s defense these days.

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