EVANSTON—Stefan Demos kicked a 45-yard game-tying field goal for Northwestern Saturday as angels ascended onto Ryan Field and Jesus appeared on the sideline to give Pat Fitzgerald a high-five. The Wildcats then went on to beat the Boilermakers in overtime.

“I’m just so happy we have such a solid, gentlemanly kicker,” said Weinberg junior David Weitzman. “If he missed, those fireworks at the end of the game would have been brutally ironic. Each sparkling flame that burst in the sky and trickled down would have reminded me of a season that could have been.”

“But that didn’t happen,” he added.

Demos, already well-known for winning Northwestern the Outback Bowl in 2010, has taken his game to a stunning level this season — he has not yet missed any extra points. “Drunk fans make those at commercial breaks,” said Demos, whose jersey is the hottest seller of all NU players — dead, alive, or fictitious. “I’m here solely for this purpose. If I couldn’t perform such an easy task, what good would I be?”

Demos, a lefty, has even kicked a couple field goals with his right foot just to mix things up. “It is nice to dispel the notion that the Wildcats are a joke of a football team,” said the kicker after the victory.

“It was also nice that Senate Republican Minority leader John Boehner and Senate Democratic Majority leader Harry Reid gave each other big hugs and decided to work together after my overtime game-winning field goal.”

EVANSTON—A new study by the For Research Association Today (FRAT) revealed that people who spend more time looking at their cell phone than engaging in face-to-face conversations are much more popular.

“Think about it,” said Nick Kite, “When you talk in person you can only talk to a couple of people at once, but I have hundreds of contacts on my cell phone.”

“And don’t get me started about how many Facebook friends I have” added Kite.

When meeting somebody for the first time, the male who glances at his cell phone more often takes on the dominant role in the relationship. Researchers note that these males usually just check the time, although they often pretend there is something ‘Stephen Demos making a field goal’ important going on.

Girls, on the other hand, use their cellular phones to be passive aggressive, equating popularity to a 3-G network. These females emphasize the fact that they have a call to anyone who will listen,  often talking to their parents the same way they would talk to a friend to play up their immense popularity.

Cool girls also call people and immediately hang up so they will get called back and “have to take this important call.”

“U no,” says Grace Aoba as she glances at her phone, “IKMCISAATSPKTITCIA, IHMOPTTT (I keep my cell in sight at all times so people know that if this convo isn’t awesome, I have many other people to talk to.)

“I am popular!” concluded Aoba.