EVANSTON—In what marks the end of a long and prosperous era, Willie the Wildcat was put down this weekend after being diagnosed with the H1N1 virus.
Morton Schapiro, the new President of Northwestern University, presided over the funeral. He commented on the ordeal, saying, “It was tough for all of us. At first, he wouldn’t even come outside, but then we stood a cardboard cutout of a human next to the entrance of the WildCave and told Willie the young fan wanted a high five. Naturally, he rushed outside to greet his new friend. It was then that the thunderous sound of gunshots echoed through the chilled Evanston air. In the end, I think we’re all just very relieved to have kept this terrible disease contained for now.”
Shock and disbelief still reign on campus. Said freshman Alex Landsman when asked for his thoughts, “Death?! I didn’t hear that. I was just told he was working at a special circus up north with other mascots preparing a big show! No… Willie can’t be dead!”
In Willie’s honor, the first 300 fans at the next home football game will receive a free Chipotle burrito. The President’s office has yet to comment on a replacement mascot, but some sources say a one eyed, one horned, flying purple people eater could fill Willie’s post as an interim mascot.