This article was written by an actual drunk man and left unedited for effect.

There are days in our lives when greatness is thrust upon us.  There are also days wehere we drink a shit ton of alcohol and have fun  Guess which one dillo day is?  Hint I uncle jose cuerva making a visit.  So today is chill and all with all the bands.  The new pornographers were surprisingly clothed.  I mean can you pronographize (the verb of pornography) with clothes on? I don’t care if you’re playing music follow your name.

So many people I;ve never heard of before.  Guess im not hipster enough.  PB and J sounds ike a sandwhich, but no my friend Tony was like these gusy are all the rage man you just don’t know whats up.  What’s up?  Probably airplanes and shit that hits me in the face like pigeon crap.  Chiddy Bang Really?  i mean i know names are hard to come by but chitty bang just call yourself alladin or beauty and the beast if youre gonna rip on disney.  Speaking of which Disney Pandora station = amazing with a caputal fuck yeah.  BOB was pretty good.  I think.  To be honest i was looking for my left shoe mot of the time so i wasn’t paying much attention to him.

Kill the nOise and NASA.  When the fuck did governmental space organizations tart making music, next thing you know the Housing of urban development gonna have a band be like dont fuck with us fools we the tops of charts!  But seriously ridiculous names.

Im going to go pass out now.  Hope you all enjoyed your dillo day, remember to spay and neuter your armadillo to prevent them from over running evanston.  We wouldnt want our grumpy evanston neighbors complaining about that too.

Peace,

Me

SKOKIE – One Northwestern freshman spent the most anticipated day of the year aimlessly wandering through the scenic village of Skokie. The hours of a.m. drinking forced David Eager to head West on Dillo Day, instead of East toward the lakefill.

“There are really only two things you need to know how to do on Dillo Day,” Mayfest co-chair Chase “Maystache” Jacksons explained to Flipside investigators. “Drink large quantities of alcohol and have the common sense to head towards music in the same direction as a shitload of people.” Eager managed to accomplish the first task so well that the second became difficult.

“I was just drinking whatever people were giving me, hopping fences, going from house party to house party. Thought I really built up my stamina from that ‘Defining Moments’ party last week. Guess not.”

Eager got separated from his friends after experiencing confusion as to where exactly Simpson Street ended. He decided to head toward the Lakefill to meet up with them, but by this point the freshman was seriously disoriented.

“I had no clue where I was, let alone which way to go. I just picked a direction and started walking, hoping I wouldn’t be late to my first Dillo Day.”

Skokie police officers found Eager in a park next to Old Orchard Mall “mostly fist pumping” in front of a swing set.

“Once I found an open patch of grass, I thought I was there. It wasn’t until my buzz wore off in the squad car that I realized something was wrong…mainly that my buzz was wearing off.”

One Skokie resident tried to aid the “clearly out of place, slightly abusive, and heavily pee-stained” NU student.

“He kept asking me where the pornographers were,” the resident informed The Flipside. “Also something about how ‘Bob’ had nothing on me. I don’t know any Bob.”

After the embarrassing rookie mistake, Eager plans to take preventative measures for next year.

“Dillo Day 2012 is going to be the best. I’m going to camp out on the Lakefill the night before. Just in case.”

Dillo Day. It’s that time of year in late May when it may or may not be snowing. The free pizza tastes great, but so does all the other shit you may or may not have eaten. One thing is so certain that even Heisenberg wouldn’t question you: if you are from around here, you’ll see all those people from high school you thought you’d never see again. You know, the kids who don’t know who Heisenberg is.

They’ll act all surprised to see you, which is strange because you go to Northwestern. You’ll say it’s nice to see you too and regret not sneaking in alcohol taped to your uppermost, innermost thigh like your friend did. (Friend. An interesting word, no? I think friend can be defined as someone you would be happy to see on Dillo Day.)

Then they’ll want to know where the alcohol is. You are stuck like a freshman scared of jaywalking on Sheridan. Of course you know where alcohol is, that is an inane question. It is Dillo Day. But you don’t want to lie. You’ve already lied once by saying you’re happy to see these numbskulls. You’re worried about karma — and unlike that kid from your high school, you still have finals.

You sigh. “Yeah,” you say, “just go up to the SigEp house and say Morty Shapiro sent you.”

You part ways. The spring returns to your step as you realize that if Nelly couldn’t ruin Dillo Day, your loser classmates don’t have a chance.

EVANSTON – Having failed to find a suitable replacement in time, Mayfest organizers have been forced to indefinitely postpone all 2011 Dillo Day events following the sudden, unexpected disappearance of headliner B.o.B. Following a press release from B.oB’s manager, it has become clear that the popular rapper was one of the approximately 200 million Christians lucky enough to be welcomed into the radiant embrace of the Lord Almighty, an outspoken fan of B.o.B’s breakthrough hit, “Airplanes.”

“Although we apologize for the inconvenience to Northwestern University,” Adrian Levy, President of Grand Hustle Records read in a prepared statement, “we hope that you will join us in wishing B.o.B all the best in his future endeavors. This is quite the career move.”

Students reacted to the news with varied degrees of disappointment and downright agony, their heathen souls already plagued by the forces of Satan prior to their destruction and eternal damnation.

“It’s torture! It’s inhumane!” shrieked sophomore Jackie Thomas. “Satan told [Battle of the Bands winner] whysowhite that they could play a double-set! Oh, God, my ears!”

Others expressed anger at rumors that B.o.B’s ascension into Paradise came at the expense of another, more deserving human who had to be left behind. To find the answers to their questions, the ascetics turned to Jesus.

Jesus, who has been personally overseeing the destruction of Earth, could be found sitting in Norbucks.

“Why must Liu Xiaobo languish in a cell while B.o.B frolics in a land of everlasting peace and joy?” local atheist Alex Mercer asked between debilitating stints in an iron maiden.

“Look,” Jesus replied coolly, “my dad’s been working almost 6000 years without a break. If he wants a private performance of “Nothin’ On You” for the rest of eternity, well, I think he’s earned some time off.”

EVANSTON – Contrary to popular belief, it was leaked yesterday that a local businessman, not famous hip-hop performer B.o.B, will perform at Dillo Day. “I was really excited about B.o.B,” said Comm sophomore Dani Ward, “but I guess Bob is good too. I hear he makes an awesome hot dog on the grill.”

An article in several outlets claimed that the popular rapper had posted a tour date on his website that coincided with Dillo Day, but the reporters had actually looked under the wrong tab; Dillo Day 2011 was listed under “Places I don’t fuck with,” not “Tour.” “Yeah, I don’t screw with Bob,” explained B.o.B, “that dude is the hardest motherfuckin’ computer systems analyst I know. I thought I’d put a note on my website so that my fans know that won’t be seeing me messin’ around at Dillo.”

Bob is well known for his high-energy live show, which includes fascinating anecdotes about Jeff from work and his spot-on Charlie Sheen impersonation. It is believed that the timeliness of this impersonation is what made Bob such an expensive act to bring. “People who can do a funny Charlie Sheen voice at dinner parties are in high demand,” explained one Mayfest rep, “so we figured we’d lock up Bob before Sheen does anything else crazy.”

The Flipside was able to get an exclusive interview with the elusive Bob. When questioned about his upcoming Dillo Day performance, Bob responded, “Uh…what?”

EVANSTON—An investigation into the origins of the university’s most beloved landmark was sparked last month when a graduate student stumbled upon a curious article in the Daily Northwestern’s archives. Entitled “Disgruntled Freshman Freezes to Death,” the record from 1902 details the untimely demise of one Earl Worthington, a freshman who tripped into a newly-installed koi pool during a blustery October cold snap.

Ellen Katz, who discovered the article while researching the mysterious origins of Dillo Day, was stunned by her discovery. “It was unbelievable. It was a grisly story, but it piqued my interest and I couldn’t stop reading… when an old map of the university showed the pool at the current location of the Rock, I couldn’t help but think ‘What if…?’”

Worthington drowned, apparently stunned by the fall, and his corpse froze along with the contents of the poorly-planned reservoir pending the arrival of a clean-up crew. Before the crew arrived, the scene of the accident was swarmed by enthusiastic Pi Kappa Alpha brothers, who covered the body with a spray-painted sign celebrating their recent intramural football victory.

At Katz’s behest, a full geological survey was conducted, showing that The Rock contains no stone whatsoever. A combination of X-ray imaging and strategic drilling revealed a skeleton under 107 years’ worth of paint. The lead in the innermost layers had corroded the body, but analysts were able to discern that Worthington lies in rest with a pleading arm stretched toward Harris Hall, the nearest shelter. Indeed, even today The Rock lists southward, capturing the freshman’s final throes. “This is an amazing discovery,” says Katz. “The story is so fascinating, I’m reconsidering my thesis topic.”