EVANSTON — Following the announcement that rapper Danny Brown would be the midday Hip Hop artist featured at this year’s Dillo Day festivities, many Northwestern students voiced concerns related to a recent scandalous performance by the artist in Minneapolis. Mayfest, the group responsible for planning the Dillo Day lineup, quelled the anxieties of more conservative Wildcats by explaining via their twitter account that instead of actually rapping, Brown would do a live reading of the 2003 literary thriller The Da Vinci Code.

“I mean, with Smash Mouth headlining, Dillo is early 2000s themed already,” Mayfest President Tanya Whitmore told The Flipside. “Having an actual almost-mainstream artist perform nearly-popular music just wouldn’t have been in line with NU tradition.”

Whitmore went on to explain that she and her executive board had had reservations about the overtly sexual lyrics of the self-proclaimed “XXX” rapper from the outset, “but Professor J. Michael Bailey really pushed hard [for us to invite Brown]. Like, he literally tweeted at us every single day. He’s paying for half the performer’s fee. All-in-all though, having a book reading is probably more appropriate for Northwestern students anyways, and it might actually require more musical ability than Steve Aoki’s set last year.”

The Dillo Day reading will take place on the Lakefill around noon, and Whitmore assured The Flipside that appropriate refreshments would be provided. Cucumber sandwiches and a selection of other hors d’oeuvres will be served to all attendees with a valid Wildcard, and depending on funding, a limited amount of French-press coffee and espresso may be available.

Rumors of several unofficial Da Vinci Code-related events have also surfaced, including incriminating evidence about secretive groups like Deru and Lou Malnati’s pizzeria. Sheil Catholic Center is “extremely concerned about the protection of our relics,” according to Priest Brian McNally. “We have what we are 95% sure is Frances Willard’s rosary AND a pennant from the 1875 football season.”

The Dittmar Gallery, on the other hand, is less concerned about any connections their art collection might draw to Brown’s mystery novel. “Honestly,” said curator Nancy Timmons, “it would just be great if students came here. Even if they were on a drunken quest for the Holy Grail.”

The Flipside would like to apologize for exposing the world to so many evils: ignorance, people who spread lies on the Internet, and even The Flipside.

Look, The Flipside makes things up. People like the things we make up. For instance, we have received hundreds of Facebook likes on articles titled “Class of 2017 Holds Most Diverse Group of White People in NU History” and “New Sorority Pledge in Love With Her Sisters, Unsure of All Their Names.” Despite that our entire website contains only articles like these, many people believed the fake Dillo Day lineup we published this week was true.

How do we know? Try searching Dillo Day on Twitter. For example, @mamph20 tweeted, “Potentially fake Northwestern site has announced that Hanson is performing at Dillo Day I don’t know if this is true but please pray for me” and @cliplet added, “HANSON IS PLAYING AT DILLO DAY WHAT. never have i felt more cheated by northwestern in my entire life.”

And, for a glorious 18-hour period, last.fm had published our lineup as if it was true.

And then the article went viral, receiving over 1000 Facebook likes. At first we were thrilled by the article’s popularity, ecstatic at the thousands of new hits on our website. But as we realized people weren’t realizing the words “(THIS IS NOT SATIRE)” in a headline do not necessarily mean the article is not satire—that is, as we realized people were taking the article seriously—a growing sense of shock and shame overcame us.

So The Flipside feels compelled to apologize for humanity. We are sorry to live in this age where people see something, completely ignore whatever context surrounds it, and assume it is true. We are sorry for everyone who doesn’t bother to check the purported sources of dubious information, for people who believe information that if you paused for a half second to think about it, some semblance of logic may hit you, and you’d realize hey, that doesn’t make any sense, Mayfest definitely can’t afford to pay for Carly Rae Jepsen and Hanson and Ludacris and Kid Cudi.

(By the way, did you hear that some website I’ve never heard of confirmed that Nelly is also coming to Dillo Day because he feels bad about blacking out on stage last time?)

There’s no question we live in a scary world where people everywhere have instant access to a form of communication that’s so shareable, one where professional news organizations misidentify killers and satire sites are treated as legitimate journalists. But hey, maybe they’re about equally accurate. For this, The Flipside apologizes.

Oh, wait, this was totally satire. Our mistake.

EVANSTON — Mayfest, the student organization responsible for bringing performers to Northwestern’s annual music festival, Dillo Day, has officially announced the complete lineup for the June 1, 2013 festival after it was accidentally leaked by a member of its executive board. Carly Rae Jepsen will be the 2013 headliner. The full lineup is printed below:

Smash Mouth – With their performance in Evanston leaked months ago on their Facebook page, Smash Mouth will play first. Theater majors are especially excited to be reassured that they are “all stars.”

Hanson – Hanson, whom we all enjoyed when we were ten, will perform second with songs like “MMMBop.” They’ll also almost definitely swish their hair, which may or may not be gross at age thirty.

Ludacris – “It was so convenient to ask him to stick around in Chicago after A&O Ball,” said Mayfest of the decision to contract with Ludacris, who is reportedly looking for a “couch to crash on” in the Chicago area. Northwestern’s fraternities have already announced plans to host a philanthropic penny war in which the winning frat will get to host Ludacris until the concert.

Kid Cudi – Recalling his fantastic performance in Welsh-Ryan Arena in 2010, which was only slightly overshadowed by Snoop Dogg, the Mayfest executive board said they are “excited to have a rapper of this caliber joining us on Dillo Day.”

Carly Rae Jepsen – The creator of the hit single “Call Me Maybe,” the announcement of Jepsen as the headliner has many thrilled many Northwestern students. “This will be the best Dillo Day ever since they banned high school students from coming,” said an excited Allison Jones, Medill senior.

Weinberg Junior Mary Blitzer commented on the Mayfest leak, “This lineup is so much better than last year’s. I was afraid Mayfest would wait until the last minute to announce the lineup, and that the headliner would be even worse than Steve Aoki.”

The Daily Northwestern and Mayfest have each confirmed this lineup.

EVANSTON — Northwestern students took to the streets on Thursday after hearing that “Dillo Day,” a cherished drinking and musical school tradition, had been canceled by the City of Evanston. Evanston officials cited the celebration’s notorious reputation for “buffoonery, hooliganism, and excessive levels of smiling,” and added that “New Brunswick had done basically the same thing at Rutgers,” and they certainly weren’t “going to let New Jersey be more civilized.”

“OMG Evanston cancelled Dillo?!? Let’s riot! #tisdahlsucks #takebackdillo” tweeted Weinberg sophomore Maggie Colter. Within minutes, Colter was trending and over 400 students had abandoned their study carrels to congregate on Sheridan Road to begin rioting.

Observers noted, however, that the assembled students seemed largely unaware of what rioting actually entailed. “Somebody suggested lighting a chair on fire, but nobody seemed to want to be the one to actually light the thing on fire,” recalled Medill sophomore Virginia Wolfram. “I mean, I definitely wasn’t going to. Condé Nast has a really strong HR department and I am not going to lose my internship over Dillo Day,”

Even freshmen, whom one might expect to be less concerned about job and internship prospects, appeared very reluctant to participate. “It’s just that tour guide applications are due in two days and honestly, it’s competitive. They are literally looking for a reason to cut you, so being known as the guy who got maced by a cop for yelling in his face would definitely hurt my chances,” commented freshman Sam Donahue.

The riot concluded after one brave soul, James Sheeth, approached the riot squad that Evanston had deployed to handle the situation. Sheeth allegedly approached the officers and told them to “go away and stop making Dillo Day not a thing,” at which point he was quickly handcuffed and arrested on charges of “devil worshipping.”

Although Sheeth’s pre-law roommate advised him not to comment, Sheeth did tell The Flipside that he was concerned his arrest might impact his chances getting a position at the South Australian Alliance for Acceptance (SAAA). “It’s more competitive than you would think.”

Who’s psyched for Dillo Day?!? Who’s ready to rock out to (if you’re drunk) awesome music with (if you’re drunk) awesome people? You’ve worked your ass off for nine months, and you’re ready to cram an entire year’s worth of partying into a single weekend. FUCK YEAH! There’s just one lingering question:

Why the fuck are you bringing your camera?

Seriously, why? Do you really think you’re going to treasure that grainy photo of Big Boi in twenty years? Or in a month? Does Youtube really need more low-res Reel Big Fish footage?

I’m sure your best friend will be flattered that you’ve documented his Dionysian excess for all posterity. And it will certainly be generous of you to give that skeevy stranger a free $200+ camera when you leave it by the rocks of Lake Michigan for just a sec as you run off to the beer garden.

Some of you may be tempted to use your camera as a Hangover-style photo diary, to remember what happened the previous day when you wake up in a stranger’s bed. But when going through those photos, if you find yourself face-to-face with Zach Galifianakis’s penis, you’ll have no one to blame but yourself.

Remember: each hand holding a camera is one less holding a drink. And do you really want to face Steve Aoki sober?

EVANSTON – Starting this year, any student who wants to go to the Lakefill for Dillo Day must show ID proving that they are Northwestern students, that they are 19 years of age or older, or they must be accompanied by an adult guest. Here are some of the heretofore overlooked ramifications of the ID policy.

The Good:
*No longer any need to ask that awkward do you even go here question
*Big Boi can use his big boy words
*Everyone can get some use out of their fake IDs that stopped working once the Keg beefed up security
*The party is so much cooler when it is exclusive and there are bouncers
*It can now be proven that bratty teenagers were the reason we couldn’t have nice things
*Townies get to learn how to sneak into things the old fashioned way
*It’s not exactly like there is a shortage of preppy New Trier Kids

The Bad:
*No concert is complete without a 14-year-old complaining they can’t see the stage
*The High Schoolers’ presence was actually just a cover to make it seem like there were fewer Northwestern students in the library
*Cold War Kids will not have any actual kids to perform for
*Loss of revenue from gullible teens buying “tickets”
*No more live bait for the Reel Big Fish
*Hipsters have fewer people to tell they liked Steve Aoki before he went mainstream
*There is no longer a chance to indoctrinate impressionable youths with the liberal brainwashing machine