There are days in our lives when greatness is thrust upon us.  There are also days wehere we drink a shit ton of alcohol and have fun  Guess which one dillo day is?  Hint I uncle jose cuerva making a visit.  So today is chill and all with all the bands.  The new pornographers were surprisingly clothed.  I mean can you pronographize (the verb of pornography) with clothes on? I don’t care if you’re playing music follow your name.

So many people I;ve never heard of before.  Guess im not hipster enough.  PB and J sounds ike a sandwhich, but no my friend Tony was like these gusy are all the rage man you just don’t know whats up.  What’s up?  Probably airplanes and shit that hits me in the face like pigeon crap.  Chiddy Bang Really?  i mean i know names are hard to come by but chitty bang just call yourself alladin or beauty and the beast if youre gonna rip on disney.  Speaking of which Disney Pandora station = amazing with a caputal fuck yeah.  BOB was pretty good.  I think.  To be honest i was looking for my left shoe mot of the time so i wasn’t paying much attention to him.

Kill the nOise and NASA.  When the fuck did governmental space organizations tart making music, next thing you know the Housing of urban development gonna have a band be like dont fuck with us fools we the tops of charts!  But seriously ridiculous names.

Im going to go pass out now.  Hope you all enjoyed your dillo day, remember to spay and neuter your armadillo to prevent them from over running evanston.  We wouldnt want our grumpy evanston neighbors complaining about that too.

Peace,

Me

“There are really only two things you need to know how to do on Dillo Day,” Mayfest co-chair Chase “Maystache” Jacksons explained to Flipside investigators. “Drink large quantities of alcohol and have the common sense to head towards music in the same direction as a shitload of people.” Eager managed to accomplish the first task so well that the second became difficult.

“I was just drinking whatever people were giving me, hopping fences, going from house party to house party. Thought I really built up my stamina from that ‘Defining Moments’ party last week. Guess not.”

Eager got separated from his friends after experiencing confusion as to where exactly Simpson Street ended. He decided to head toward the Lakefill to meet up with them, but by this point the freshman was seriously disoriented.

“I had no clue where I was, let alone which way to go. I just picked a direction and started walking, hoping I wouldn’t be late to my first Dillo Day.”

Skokie police officers found Eager in a park next to Old Orchard Mall “mostly fist pumping” in front of a swing set.

“Once I found an open patch of grass, I thought I was there. It wasn’t until my buzz wore off in the squad car that I realized something was wrong…mainly that my buzz was wearing off.”

One Skokie resident tried to aid the “clearly out of place, slightly abusive, and heavily pee-stained” NU student.

“He kept asking me where the pornographers were,” the resident informed The Flipside. “Also something about how ‘Bob’ had nothing on me. I don’t know any Bob.”

After the embarrassing rookie mistake, Eager plans to take preventative measures for next year.

“Dillo Day 2012 is going to be the best. I’m going to camp out on the Lakefill the night before. Just in case.”

They’ll act all surprised to see you, which is strange because you go to Northwestern. You’ll say it’s nice to see you too and regret not sneaking in alcohol taped to your uppermost, innermost thigh like your friend did. (Friend. An interesting word, no? I think friend can be defined as someone you would be happy to see on Dillo Day.)

Then they’ll want to know where the alcohol is. You are stuck like a freshman scared of jaywalking on Sheridan. Of course you know where alcohol is, that is an inane question. It is Dillo Day. But you don’t want to lie. You’ve already lied once by saying you’re happy to see these numbskulls. You’re worried about karma — and unlike that kid from your high school, you still have finals.

You sigh. “Yeah,” you say, “just go up to the SigEp house and say Morty Shapiro sent you.”

You part ways. The spring returns to your step as you realize that if Nelly couldn’t ruin Dillo Day, your loser classmates don’t have a chance.

“Although we apologize for the inconvenience to Northwestern University,” Adrian Levy, President of Grand Hustle Records read in a prepared statement, “we hope that you will join us in wishing B.o.B all the best in his future endeavors. This is quite the career move.”

Students reacted to the news with varied degrees of disappointment and downright agony, their heathen souls already plagued by the forces of Satan prior to their destruction and eternal damnation.

“It’s torture! It’s inhumane!” shrieked sophomore Jackie Thomas. “Satan told [Battle of the Bands winner] whysowhite that they could play a double-set! Oh, God, my ears!”

Others expressed anger at rumors that B.o.B’s ascension into Paradise came at the expense of another, more deserving human who had to be left behind. To find the answers to their questions, the ascetics turned to Jesus.

Jesus, who has been personally overseeing the destruction of Earth, could be found sitting in Norbucks.

“Why must Liu Xiaobo languish in a cell while B.o.B frolics in a land of everlasting peace and joy?” local atheist Alex Mercer asked between debilitating stints in an iron maiden.

“Look,” Jesus replied coolly, “my dad’s been working almost 6000 years without a break. If he wants a private performance of “Nothin’ On You” for the rest of eternity, well, I think he’s earned some time off.”

An article in several outlets claimed that the popular rapper had posted a tour date on his website that coincided with Dillo Day, but the reporters had actually looked under the wrong tab; Dillo Day 2011 was listed under “Places I don’t fuck with,” not “Tour.” “Yeah, I don’t screw with Bob,” explained B.o.B, “that dude is the hardest motherfuckin’ computer systems analyst I know. I thought I’d put a note on my website so that my fans know that won’t be seeing me messin’ around at Dillo.”

Bob is well known for his high-energy live show, which includes fascinating anecdotes about Jeff from work and his spot-on Charlie Sheen impersonation. It is believed that the timeliness of this impersonation is what made Bob such an expensive act to bring. “People who can do a funny Charlie Sheen voice at dinner parties are in high demand,” explained one Mayfest rep, “so we figured we’d lock up Bob before Sheen does anything else crazy.”

The Flipside was able to get an exclusive interview with the elusive Bob. When questioned about his upcoming Dillo Day performance, Bob responded, “Uh…what?”

Ellen Katz, who discovered the article while researching the mysterious origins of Dillo Day, was stunned by her discovery. “It was unbelievable. It was a grisly story, but it piqued my interest and I couldn’t stop reading… when an old map of the university showed the pool at the current location of the Rock, I couldn’t help but think ‘What if…?’”

Worthington drowned, apparently stunned by the fall, and his corpse froze along with the contents of the poorly-planned reservoir pending the arrival of a clean-up crew. Before the crew arrived, the scene of the accident was swarmed by enthusiastic Pi Kappa Alpha brothers, who covered the body with a spray-painted sign celebrating their recent intramural football victory.

At Katz’s behest, a full geological survey was conducted, showing that The Rock contains no stone whatsoever. A combination of X-ray imaging and strategic drilling revealed a skeleton under 107 years’ worth of paint. The lead in the innermost layers had corroded the body, but analysts were able to discern that Worthington lies in rest with a pleading arm stretched toward Harris Hall, the nearest shelter. Indeed, even today The Rock lists southward, capturing the freshman’s final throes. “This is an amazing discovery,” says Katz. “The story is so fascinating, I’m reconsidering my thesis topic.”

Run back to the house, ok, jungle juice…no. Bud light…no. Ah, here it its, Smirnoff [gulp] ahhhhh no chasers. Damn it, I’ll use the water cup from bear pong this morning. Wait, not sanitary. Oh, but the alcohol will kill off any bacteria in my system, so it’s cool.

Alright, back to the lakefill [music: and I hear all this music, and it breaks my heart, and it breaks my heart, and it breaks my hear hear hear hear hear hear hearaaaartttt]. SHIT! Why are they still playing this bullshit. It’s killing my buzz. SO BORING! I’d rather go see Sex and the City 2. Wait no I wouldn’t. What time is it now? 1:48? Damn it! When the fuck does Drake get here? WHAT??? No Drake? …Nelly? Not until 9:00pm? What the fuck am I supposed to do until then? Do you realize how much I’m going to have to drink to keep from pulling her off the stage and yelling at those Mayfest kids? Survey my ass. I didn’t fill out any God damn survey!

Oh, well, I guess it’s not that bad, free pizza is going to be giv-…what? They’re out of pizza? Already? Shit! [music: I hear in my mind, all of these voices] Is she seriously still singing? If she doesn’t stop soon, I may go into a rage coma! Okay, keep your cool. It will all be ok once I get some pancakes. Huh? Pancakes were served this morning? SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!

So its been a great dfay. It’s been fucking difficult trying to login to write this ariticel.   I mena so what if my password was wrong the first threew times shouldnty i still be able to use my free speech. Its the first ammendment.  I shall not be silenced by the password code.  What was i writing abouyt?  of yeah dillo day.  Dydude we dont evewn have any armadillos here .  ity should have been called like fricken squirrel or rabbit day. That would make sense.  but this armadillo day? are we supposed to curl ui[ into a little ball are run away?  IO say no.  We should fighty back and show how the world should be.  The armadillos are not better than us, we are better than them.  ANd we wiull prove it when the war begins.  Man vs armabillos.

But the bands and singers that we have here are chill, like regina, mash brtos, guster (where di they come from?) and Ne;;y (if you want to take a ride with me) are good choices.  It was a great day.  WHAT? OKAY! YEAH! some little wayne  for ya.  MY head itches i want to scratch it biut it doesnt feel any better.  I might be sweating a litle bit.  I’m hungry be right back.

I grabbed some yogos cuz they are delicious and they make me ghappy.  Apple flavored.  MMMMMM.  I tried to word count this but i am not on wordx so it didnt work.  All done with my yogos.  I’m still itchy on my head. Ne3ver drunk text a girl.  especially if you like her and she doesnt know it.  It ends poorly trust me.   With that in mind i bid you all a godo day and reminber to enjoy yourselves because you only get one life to live. P{eace out homies.

Yours from the bobb mchiulloch

JSC (should i put my name?) too late

*Seriously, he was not sober when this was written. Don’t frown, he’s over 21.

The group has campaigned for nearly forty years to bring a country music artist to Northwestern’s campus. However, Mayfest has continually shut them down citing, “very few hicks at Northwestern” and a desire to invite bands, “that anyone outside of the NASCAR contingency has heard of.” The Country Music Fans association made waves last week, when they fired shotguns skyward, misinterpreting Country Grammar to be an epithet against their culture. They have since apologized, issuing the statement: “Nelly ain’t a common name where we are from.”

For months, Mayfest has adamantly insisted that a country music act would be a poor choice. Michael Gebhardt, a Co-Chair for Mayfest, told us that the group tried to take Northwestern’s demographics into account. “That’s why we got Nelly. He really represents the Northwestern community. It’s about struggles.” He then added, “And with Regina, we have no room to add another immensely unpopular act.”

Byers explained that when he heard Nelly was headlining Dillo Day, he made sure he wouldn’t be left out of the camaraderie. “I asked my friend for his ACE bandage right away, but I didn’t think he’d just give it to me. With Nelly coming to town I thought they’d be in high demand, but my friend was like, ‘uh…sure dude.’ I’ve been getting weird looks all day today,” he continued, “and it’s probably because this thing really smells like shit.”

The Chicago native is always up on the signature accessories of various artists. “I made sure to wear my prescription sunglasses to the U2 show I went to, so I could look just like Bono. Then, when KISS swung by, I brought out the red war paint. I love being hip like all the other people in this city.”

Meanwhile, freshman Keisha Green was similarly ridiculed for wearing a neck brace during the Nelly set. She should regain a full range of motion in her body within 3 weeks.