SALA DEL NOROESTE, EVANSTASIONE — All was set to go as planned in the ASG Senate meeting this past week. All the officer vacancies for next quarter were filled except for three, and candidates had all been nominated. But then, tragedy struck.

Just as Martín Lobos, nominee for Vice President of Diversity and Inclusion, was about to be confirmed, Natalie Suarez burst into the senate meeting, her flowing red ball gown swirling in the Santa Ana winds from the nearby Louis room.

“No!” Natalie screamed. “I cannot let you be confirmed, for you are mi hijo!”

Lobos, dumbstruck, dropped his ASG-funded non-single-use gavel and stared into his mother’s eyes as tears began to form in his. Time stood still as madre and hijo rushed towards each other, until Leticia Perdigón senator from el CRC stood up and spoke.

“Martín may be your son, but he is my lover,” the woman professed. “That’s right,” she continued, “Martín and I are in love, and there’s nothing any of you can do to change how we feel!”

“It is true, mother,” Lobos proclaimed, stopping short. “We have been in love for over a month now, and I can no longer hide it! She has my corazón all to herself.”

The story might have ended there, but the saga continued. The door to the senate burst open unexpectedly for the second time that noche, this time bringing a saddened man before the senate.

“Me llamo es Federico Álvarez De Toledo, and I am Leticia’s husband,” he pronounced.

A few sharp cries rang out in la Sala del Noroeste, before a silence fell as thick as the stupor induced by politically-incorrect tequila. You could cut the tension with a machete. All eyes were on Leticia as hers darted left and right, back and forth between Federico and Martín.

“It’s true,” she said, solemnly. “Federico is my husband of four years, but we have grown so distant… My eyes now are for only Martín!”

“As are mine!” Federico declared. “We have been lovers for the past year.”

And with that, Federico strode up to where Martín was standing and kissed him passionately on the lips. They embraced for two entire seconds before Martín shoved Federico away, a disgusted look on his face.

“What are you doing?!” Martín asked, confused. “I don’t even know who any of you are. Or what I’m doing here. What the hell is going on?”

“¡Ay dios mio!” Natalie yelled. “He must have amnesia!”

Join us next week, when ASG still won’t confirm anyone to be Vice President of Diversity and Inclusion.

Dear fellow Northwestern students,

As Memorial Day rapidly approaches, the members of the Anglo-Saxon Student Alliance would like to take a moment remind all members of the Wildcat community to please celebrate this time-honored and all-American holiday respectfully.

Please remember that eating hot-dogs, hamburgers, and inordinate amounts of pie is not representative of American culture. In fact it marginalizes and offends entire sectors of our community who would prefer cheeseburgers and hot-fudge sundaes.

Spending time sun-bathing, swimming and playing backyard games like wiffleball and cornhole is both frustrating and upsetting to Northwestern students who are missing out on their family BBQs to study for their Orgo midterms and write the Political Science papers they should have started two weeks ago. Try to understand their emotional isolation, having been reduced to wistfully reading their semester system high-school friends’ drunk texts about illegally shooting off fireworks while holed up in the third floor East tower of Main Library for twenty-two consecutive hours.

Please STOP honoring veterans. Who are you to thank that middle-aged man in a US Army t-shirt in the Whole Foods dairy section? He might not have even BEEN IN the army. Besides, he probably got that t-shirt on a tour of West Point.

PLEASE DO NOT lounge around on the lakefill, loudly listen to patriotic music or generally enjoy a holiday weekend centered around appreciating America’s war heroes by celebrating the freedoms they’ve secured. 95% of you indicated a preference for “anything but country music” on roommate surveys, so listening to Toby Keith’s “Proud to be an American” twelve times on repeat during a Bud Light case race ISN’T FOOLING ANYONE.

Most of all, please refrain from consuming any and all forms of coleslaw. Or watermelon. And DEFINITELY DO NOT USE French’s mustard. No self-respecting patriot eats vegetables, fruit, or anything debatably European.

Sincerely,

Bradley Fitzgibbon
President of the Anglo-Saxon Student Alliance

Timmy O’Flanagan
Pie enthusiast

UPDATE: The Flipside has informed members of the Anglo-Saxon Student Alliance the term “Anglo-Saxon” refers to British heritage. Neither Bradley nor Vice President Jimmy Peterson was prepared to make an on-the-record comment. The Alliance’s secretary indicated both were away from campus for a hot-dog-eating contest.

EVANSTON — Following a recent trend, the incoming class of 2017 contains the most diverse set of suburban, upper middle class white students Northwestern has ever seen, eclipsing the mark set by the class of 2016.

“This is truly a remarkable feat by our admissions office, and I couldn’t be prouder of the group we assembled,” said Christopher Watson, Dean of Undergraduate Admissions. “We have new students hailing from the suburbs of Miami, New York, Los Angeles, and Chicago.”

Current Northwestern students also support the newest class of Wildcats. Those working Wildcat Days marveled at the different types of white people they saw: some with glasses, some redheads, and even one kid with a fake tan. “I think their different looks, personalities, and backgrounds will make for a great dynamic between the classes,” said tour guide Henry Wilson. “Go ‘Cats!”

Evan Goldman, a member of the new class, couldn’t contain his excitement. “As someone from Great Neck, NY, I am tired of meeting the same people over and over again. It was so refreshing to meet white, Jewish, socially liberal but fiscally conservative kids who had completely different suburban childhoods at the Wildcat Days.”

The admissions office is looking to accept minorities as early as next year, but Watson does not want them to get ahead of themselves.

EVANSTON — After considering the exorbitant amount of time each Northwestern student spends on CAESAR attempting to register for classes every quarter, administrators at Northwestern thought the online portal would be the perfect place to continue their push for campus diversity. Northwestern officials have not yet provided any specific plans about how they will make CAESAR more diverse, so The Flipside has constructed a list of suggestions on how to proceed.

1. Rename CAESAR “SACAGAWEA” – Trust us, there are already more than enough things at Northwestern named after dead white guys with questionable character content. Renaming the “Computer Assisted Electronic Student Access Route” to “Students Accessing Computers Assisted Greatly And With Everyone Alive” sends a message of diversity and is appropriately confusing.

2. Diversification of login methods – Instead of asking students for only their netID, login should vary randomly between student ID number, email address, and asking the street of the user’s first house and pet’s name, a.k.a. stripper name. Then, just prior to actually registering, SACAGAWEA will ensure students are really ready by asking them to log in again, in case they wanted to change their identity mid-stream.

3. More shopping options – Students should be given the option to put their classes in their shopping cart, in a shopping basket, or just carrying them around in their hand because they only really need a few things.

4. Updated color scheme – If there is any color you see enough of around campus, it’s white…and purple. By changing the SACAGAWEA color scheme to something more unique, Northwestern students will be assured that their university values all HTML color codes.

5. More realistic class status options – The status of class enrollment should better reflect the diverse reality of registration, with labels like “Open, like you’d ever take this class,” “Open, but with your registration time you’ll never get the last seat,” “Waitlist, don’t hold your breath,” and “Closed, so very closed.”

6. Offering classes at times other than 11AM Tuesday and Thursday – But really, this is an actual suggestion.

EVANSTON – Late last Saturday night, one of the leaders of the pro-diversity student group “The Collective” walked in on the Northwestern ski team’s “Racist Olympics” party, creating what awkwardologists are calling the “pinnacle of human awkwardness.”

Partygoers were encouraged to wear offensive racial outfits; for example, the South African team wore white t-shirts and black pants to symbolize the “white on top, black on bottom” social dynamic of the country. To say that this created an awkward moment when non-white students learned of the party is a severe understatement.

“It is simply quite astounding,” said Dr. David Howard, one of the top scientists and professors at Harvard University’s Awkward Sciences Program. “The awkward blast from the sudden confrontation of a diversity leader walking in on a bunch of elitist white people making fun of everything he stands for was just over 9.75 Michaelcerawatts.”

In layman’s terms, a single Michaelcerawatt is a unit of extreme awkwardness. The blast’s power was roughly equivalent to walking in on your parents having S&M sex in your room, while simultaneously farting really loudly in front of your crush, while accidentally going on a blind date with your ex. Also, for the purposes of the measurement, you are Michael Cera.

Witnesses say that the official confrontation was so awkward, nobody on the ski team was able to form a coherent, grumble free sentence for days. One ping pong ball that was midair actually stopped its flight path and fell straight down due to sheer embarrassment. According to Flipside sources, every single conversation in a five mile radius suddenly stopped for at least 45 seconds due to the blast.

The awkward-blast’s aftershock registered at 7.8 Michaelcerawatts when the ski team released a letter apologizing only for getting caught.

EVANSTON — With doomsday approaching at the end of 2012, people and communities are desperately seeking ways to do good and collect some positive karma. Northwestern University’s Panhellenic Association (PHA) is no exception. At the last Greek Life Summit, the Panhellenic board decreed that the sororities had to diversify their new pledge class, encouraging them to select members that are drastically different from the existing sisters. When asked if they believed the chapters would find this new law difficult to execute, PA representative Maggie Fayk responded, “Not at all! The girls have always wanted to reach out to the less fortunate.”

With very unique standards and stereotypes to dispel, each sorority is targeting a specific crowd. Some, however, have it harder than others. Alpha Theta Kappa are recruiting members that weigh 91 pounds rather than adhering to their usual crowd of 90 pound ladies. “We are so excited to finally have overweight in our family,” says Theta sister Barbie Jenson.

Other sororities are working towards making the Greek system more colorful. Delta Delta Delta Deltas are now welcoming strawberry blondes instead of the standard bleached-out types, and the “Dizzies” are starting to accept girls with a 2.0 GPA or higher.

Panhellenic will be awarding the sorority with the most diverse pledge class with wholegrain, fat-free donuts. “Our girls are so excited for this. It’s been a while since they had carbs,” says president of Kappa Gamma. Rumor has it that Delta Kappa is a strong contender for the prize, having recruited the president’s homosexual brother. The winner will be announced this Friday on the Northwestern PA website.

BREAKING: Reports are coming in saying that the decree for diversity does not extend from recruitment into the pledging process. Sources say that new pledges of Alpha Theta Kappa will be told to lose a pound.

In the never-ending quest for more diversity, Northwestern has finally won. Pop open the Champaign, sake, unfiltered water—whatever your culture does. It’s time to fucking celebrate.

Listen to this class breakdown and try not to be over-fucking-whelmed by the diversity rainbow. 30 percent Native American, 25 percent African American, 15 percent Asian, 10 percent from countries that haven’t even formed yet.

… Let me pause to give you a second to clean off whatever you just jizzed onto your screen…

5 percent Caucasian, 3 percent South American Indians who have not yet encountered civilization, 2 percent Bora-Bora, 18 percent other.

I have no idea what we are going to do with all this diversity, but I love it.

Just think: the class of 2015 is going to make all other classes look racist by comparison. To those not in the class of 2015, you should feel as guilty as a Japanese nuclear power plant. Political ads and the Disney Channel don’t have shit over Northwestern’s diversity pita-pocket.

With great diversity comes great responsibility. Starting in 2012, we’ll be instating a rule that groups of students walking around campus can’t have more than two people of any one ethnicity. I want Northwestern to be in a constant state of admission-pamphlet-picture-readiness (APPR). If you are in a picture with at least five different races, please tag me. Maybe tag me as the sun because I’m fucking shining glorious equality on you all.

So, Northwestern, we have vanquished the invisible hand and replaced it with one of every color. You know, when you mix all the colors together, you get black—and what looks more diverse than that?

Northwestern Remains a Need-Blind School

EVANSTON—This Sunday, allegedly blind Weinberg freshman Dave White was found to be faking his condition. White reportedly fabricated the story in order to gain admittance to Northwestern on the basis of adding to a more diverse class. White’s roommate, Medill freshman Kevin Wu, discovered that it was all an act.

“I noticed some weird things about the way he acted that made me suspect he wasn’t actually blind,” Wu says. “Sometimes I would catch him checking himself out in the mirror before he went out in the morning, and he could find books in the library way easier than me. I was sure of it when I pretended to punch him in the face and he flinched. After that I reported him right away.”

NU admissions officer Abby Greenfield confessed to admitting White into Northwestern because she truly believed he was blind, explaining that Northwestern has been a need-blind school for many years.

“We worked extremely hard to make the class of 2014 the most diverse class in Northwestern history,” Greenfield says. “We even traveled to remote, previously uncharted islands to recruit students who had never even heard of the United States, much less the university. So naturally when I came across an admissions essay about a boy struggling with blindness I had to admit him. We’ve been telling people for years that Northwestern is a need-blind school, but in all that time we’ve only gotten two blind applicants. Now that we know Dave White isn’t actually blind we’re going to have to begin the search all over again.”

Greenfield also described the recent, alarming trend of students fabricating family backgrounds and maladies such as blindness on their college applications in hopes of being admitted to diverse universities.

“Just this year we had three applicants sever their own legs to become amputees, and one girl claimed she was born on Jupiter. I checked her birth certificate and she really wasn’t from outer space. It’s a shame; an alien would have rounded out the class of 2014 quite nicely.”

EVANSTON—The Reverend Jessie Jackson was in the Evanston area this past week. He was impressed by the university, specifically the “demeanor and standard to which Northwestern students hold themselves.” His temperament soon changed, however, after learning of NU’s intramural sports. “They have a white league? That ain’t right,” Jackson clamored.

The white league offers sports like hockey, soccer, and, of course, polo. It’s obvious to see why the league has no ethnic diversity. Non-Caucasians are not prohibited from participating. Their lack of involvement is due to the fact that the league offers sports typically played by whites. “We have come too far to let this racist league go on,” said Jackson, who has begun a campaign to shut the league down.