This article was written by an actual drunk man and left unedited for effect.

There are days in our lives when greatness is thrust upon us.  There are also days wehere we drink a shit ton of alcohol and have fun  Guess which one dillo day is?  Hint I uncle jose cuerva making a visit.  So today is chill and all with all the bands.  The new pornographers were surprisingly clothed.  I mean can you pronographize (the verb of pornography) with clothes on? I don’t care if you’re playing music follow your name.

So many people I;ve never heard of before.  Guess im not hipster enough.  PB and J sounds ike a sandwhich, but no my friend Tony was like these gusy are all the rage man you just don’t know whats up.  What’s up?  Probably airplanes and shit that hits me in the face like pigeon crap.  Chiddy Bang Really?  i mean i know names are hard to come by but chitty bang just call yourself alladin or beauty and the beast if youre gonna rip on disney.  Speaking of which Disney Pandora station = amazing with a caputal fuck yeah.  BOB was pretty good.  I think.  To be honest i was looking for my left shoe mot of the time so i wasn’t paying much attention to him.

Kill the nOise and NASA.  When the fuck did governmental space organizations tart making music, next thing you know the Housing of urban development gonna have a band be like dont fuck with us fools we the tops of charts!  But seriously ridiculous names.

Im going to go pass out now.  Hope you all enjoyed your dillo day, remember to spay and neuter your armadillo to prevent them from over running evanston.  We wouldnt want our grumpy evanston neighbors complaining about that too.

Peace,

Me

SKOKIE – One Northwestern freshman spent the most anticipated day of the year aimlessly wandering through the scenic village of Skokie. The hours of a.m. drinking forced David Eager to head West on Dillo Day, instead of East toward the lakefill.

“There are really only two things you need to know how to do on Dillo Day,” Mayfest co-chair Chase “Maystache” Jacksons explained to Flipside investigators. “Drink large quantities of alcohol and have the common sense to head towards music in the same direction as a shitload of people.” Eager managed to accomplish the first task so well that the second became difficult.

“I was just drinking whatever people were giving me, hopping fences, going from house party to house party. Thought I really built up my stamina from that ‘Defining Moments’ party last week. Guess not.”

Eager got separated from his friends after experiencing confusion as to where exactly Simpson Street ended. He decided to head toward the Lakefill to meet up with them, but by this point the freshman was seriously disoriented.

“I had no clue where I was, let alone which way to go. I just picked a direction and started walking, hoping I wouldn’t be late to my first Dillo Day.”

Skokie police officers found Eager in a park next to Old Orchard Mall “mostly fist pumping” in front of a swing set.

“Once I found an open patch of grass, I thought I was there. It wasn’t until my buzz wore off in the squad car that I realized something was wrong…mainly that my buzz was wearing off.”

One Skokie resident tried to aid the “clearly out of place, slightly abusive, and heavily pee-stained” NU student.

“He kept asking me where the pornographers were,” the resident informed The Flipside. “Also something about how ‘Bob’ had nothing on me. I don’t know any Bob.”

After the embarrassing rookie mistake, Eager plans to take preventative measures for next year.

“Dillo Day 2012 is going to be the best. I’m going to camp out on the Lakefill the night before. Just in case.”

There should be a mercy rule in beer pong. Time: sevenish

And by mercy, I mean god should strike both teams with a bolt I’d lightning

I guess singing backstreet boys us broey.730 central time

Urinal.927

Pretending to get excited about seeing people.745

Song just said the n word.10

EVANSTON – Jessica Stamford, a student first and partier second, has found ways to become more efficient and economical with her weekly drinking binges. The pre-med sophomore has developed a foolproof plan to get drunk quickly and go to sleep early enough that she can get a head start on Organic Chemistry the next morning.

“Being a pre-med, I’ve got some tough classes, but that doesn’t mean I can’t get my party on every Friday and Saturday night for thirty minutes,” Stamford explained to The Flipside. “I don’t have time to mess around at these house parties. I find the hard stuff and after about six or seven shots, I feel I’ve fulfilled my social duties as a college student.”

It’s not uncommon for Jessica to find herself stumbling home without her jacket, as she’s often too drunk and in a hurry to find it amongst the seemingly endless pile of North Face conformity.

“Locating your coat in ‘the coat room’ is utterly hopeless, even if you place it somewhere you think you’ll remember. I’ve gotten really creative recently. I painted a big ‘X’ on the back of one of my jackets, but I lost that one. I hung one on a ceiling fan once, but that didn’t work out. I mostly just take my jacket off before I go inside and throw it into some bushes nearby.”

Jessica has begun to set a trend amongst Northwestern girls, many of whom have developed new techniques for coat hunting.

“I leave myself notes,” added Medill junior Allie Freighter. “Once I leave my coat somewhere, I write down its location, although usually that note ends up in my coat pocket…so…yeah.”

Kappa Alpha Theta sorority president Sara Binder says she has taught her new pledge class to tie their coats together into one long rope when attending the same party. “It really teaches good team building strategies, not to mention knot-tying skills. Plus, it’s, like, super easy to find everyone’s coat, and you can all leave the party together!”

There is, however, one strategy guaranteed to ensure that you never lose your coat when attending a party. Don’t wear one. It may be cold on the way over, but if you succeed in getting drunk enough, the walk home should be plenty warm. The tactic of not going out to drink is also effective, but that would mean you’d have to drink by yourself, leaving you to balance warmth with abject misery.

DOVER, DE—Following her loss to Democratic senator-elect Chris Coons in last week’s midterm elections, sources are reporting that Tea Party candidate Christine O’Donnell has suffered a relapse, giving in to most if not all of the behaviors she condemned during her candidacy.

“It’s heartbreaking,” stated fellow Tea Party member Rand Paul. “She’s just not the same charming woman America fell in love with; every time I see her now, she’s either hexing Democrats or masturbating furiously.”

“Curiously,” added Paul, “she tends to yell Obama’s name during both.”

The issue came to a head two nights ago, when O’Donnell was arrested for vagrancy, disorderly conduct, and a charge of animal cruelty. Officers testified that O’Donnell was found wandering the streets of Dover in a drunken stupor, covered in blood and wielding a large kitchen knife.

According to a 911 call made moments earlier, O’Donnell had allegedly stumbled towards a family of raccoons, shrieking, “FUCK YOU, COONS!!” before slashing at the animals in a primal rage.

When officers arrived at the scene, O’Donnell collapsed into the arms of Detective Reid Harrison, running her fingers up and down his chest and asking if he would “like to have a ‘tea party’ with [her].”

Detective Harrison wrote in his official statement that O’Donnell appeared visibly confused as the arresting officers read O’Donnell her Miranda rights:

“We have rights?” O’Donnell inquired, before shaking her head angrily and sighing loudly. “What a fucking stupid country.”

EVANSTON—If you ask any member of the Evanston vampire community, you’ll find they have something that’s been bothering them: they are getting pretty goddamn tired of spending all their time at Burger King.

According to one such vampire, Count Wilhelm Von Terror, the Evanston undead scene lacks nearly all the amenities found in nearly all other cities. “Basically, you have two types of vampire hotspots around the world. There are your old vampire communities like Transylvania, where you spend most of your nights either drinking the blood of virgins or hiding from crowds of torch-bearing villagers crying, ‘Kill the monster!’ Then there are your ‘new’ vampire communities like Forks, Washington, where you spend your time falling in love with angsty high-schoolers and fighting werewolves,” said Von Terror. “But here in Evanston you don’t have any of that. The only thing open at night is Burger King.”

The most commonly-cited of the vampires’ complaints with Burger King is the establishment’s clientele. Accustomed to lavish European courts filled with seductive, intelligent maidens and strong, virtuous heroes, most vampires feel something akin to culture shock when they discover the vast majority of Burger King patrons are either mentally ill vagrants or college students so shitfaced they are willing to eat Burger King. “If I was going to find a bride of Dracula or Bella Swan, it wouldn’t be here,” said teenage vampire Francis Killmore. “Basically, my choices here are that old obese woman who sleeps out back by the dumpsters and a sorority girl so drunk she got kicked out for puking all over the cash register.”

Evanston officials could not be reached for comment as they had all already gone to bed.

Oh shit! This is really shitty music man. How long have I been out here? It’s only 1:34? Man, she’s been singing with that piano for the longest damn time. This music sucks! She’s hot though, so it’s ok. Wait, no, I think I’m starting to lose my buzz. She’s not as attractive now. I’m not as attractive now. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Run back to the house, ok, jungle juice…no. Bud light…no. Ah, here it its, Smirnoff [gulp] ahhhhh no chasers. Damn it, I’ll use the water cup from bear pong this morning. Wait, not sanitary. Oh, but the alcohol will kill off any bacteria in my system, so it’s cool.

Alright, back to the lakefill [music: and I hear all this music, and it breaks my heart, and it breaks my heart, and it breaks my hear hear hear hear hear hear hearaaaartttt]. SHIT! Why are they still playing this bullshit. It’s killing my buzz. SO BORING! I’d rather go see Sex and the City 2. Wait no I wouldn’t. What time is it now? 1:48? Damn it! When the fuck does Drake get here? WHAT??? No Drake? …Nelly? Not until 9:00pm? What the fuck am I supposed to do until then? Do you realize how much I’m going to have to drink to keep from pulling her off the stage and yelling at those Mayfest kids? Survey my ass. I didn’t fill out any God damn survey!

Oh, well, I guess it’s not that bad, free pizza is going to be giv-…what? They’re out of pizza? Already? Shit! [music: I hear in my mind, all of these voices] Is she seriously still singing? If she doesn’t stop soon, I may go into a rage coma! Okay, keep your cool. It will all be ok once I get some pancakes. Huh? Pancakes were served this morning? SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!

By An Actual Drunk Man*

So its been a great dfay. It’s been fucking difficult trying to login to write this ariticel.   I mena so what if my password was wrong the first threew times shouldnty i still be able to use my free speech. Its the first ammendment.  I shall not be silenced by the password code.  What was i writing abouyt?  of yeah dillo day.  Dydude we dont evewn have any armadillos here .  ity should have been called like fricken squirrel or rabbit day. That would make sense.  but this armadillo day? are we supposed to curl ui[ into a little ball are run away?  IO say no.  We should fighty back and show how the world should be.  The armadillos are not better than us, we are better than them.  ANd we wiull prove it when the war begins.  Man vs armabillos.

But the bands and singers that we have here are chill, like regina, mash brtos, guster (where di they come from?) and Ne;;y (if you want to take a ride with me) are good choices.  It was a great day.  WHAT? OKAY! YEAH! some little wayne  for ya.  MY head itches i want to scratch it biut it doesnt feel any better.  I might be sweating a litle bit.  I’m hungry be right back.

I grabbed some yogos cuz they are delicious and they make me ghappy.  Apple flavored.  MMMMMM.  I tried to word count this but i am not on wordx so it didnt work.  All done with my yogos.  I’m still itchy on my head. Ne3ver drunk text a girl.  especially if you like her and she doesnt know it.  It ends poorly trust me.   With that in mind i bid you all a godo day and reminber to enjoy yourselves because you only get one life to live. P{eace out homies.

Yours from the bobb mchiulloch

JSC (should i put my name?) too late

*Seriously, he was not sober when this was written. Don’t frown, he’s over 21.