EVANSTON — Eileen Schneider, WCAS ’78, was arrested this weekend for belligerent behavior and public indecency during a homecoming event on Deering Meadow, according to new reports from the Evanston Police Department. She had been yelling obscenities across the meadow and flashing gentlemen coming in and out of Kellogg. Schneider was stunned by her arrest and by the harsh campus rules that have “poisoned this university.”

“I was just tryna get a little shwasty up on Sheridan,” Schneider said as she was escorted into a police car Saturday night. “Is that a crime? In the seventies it sure wasn’t, but now, I don’t even know.”

Schneider’s friends said that the incident did not come as a surprise. “Eileen’s always been a wild one,” Barbara Wolff, WCAS ’77, said. “But once she picked up that Classics degree, we thought she would sober up.”

“I mean, she works in a library,” Wolff whispered.

Schneider herself said that she viewed homecoming weekend as a chance for her to let loose, and, if she was lucky, to “pick up numbers beyond the Dewey Decimal System.”

“If homecoming weekend wasn’t about passing out next to a Tappa Keg brother with a joint in one hand and a bottle-opener in the other, then I honestly don’t know what it’s for,” she said. “It’s all about the ‘YOLO,’ as the kiddies say these days.”

Schneider’s daughter, Communications sophomore Amanda Schneider, said she was mortified when she received word of the arrest. “You never expect for the obnoxious drunk bitch that everyone’s talking about to be your mom,” she said.

“Once I heard, I immediately canceled our reservation at Le Peep for the next morning… I just couldn’t look at her the same way,” Schneider’s daughter added.

Schneider, however, appeared relatively unfazed by the arrest. “Would I take it back? By no means,” she said. “If I can’t spend my alumni weekend topless and wasted in the Evanston police department, then I want my tuition money back.”

By Harry Barbash, Sophomore Economics Major

What the fuck, Professor Donaghy? Do you have any idea what happened this last weekend? You think there was time to study for a midterm about the Celts in the 11^th century? Because there sure as shit was not.

Let’s start with the obvious. Halloween is the peak time for drunken revelry. Halloween just sweetens the crowded-apartment-party pot. Hookups become even more anonymous as you grind up on whatever masked person’s behind you. Alcohol gets consumed in an even wider range of colors and shapes.

And then, AND THEN, it was motherfucking homecoming. Really, Donaghy, did you really stop to consider how a homecoming win in an already statistically improbable season for the Big Ten’s class nerds would play? Willful ignorance is the only word I could use to describe anyone who thinks someone would have been sober for more than the thirty minute stretch from bed to muddy-backyard-of-off-campus-frat-house.

So you expected us to drag our hungover asses out of bed Sunday, do the walk of shame back to our dorms (made even more shameful by our costumes), get our materials, go to the library and study?

I call bullshit. You knew we wouldn’t.

Bastard.

EVANSTON – Newly elected representatives of Allison’s Hall Government have vowed to eliminate the dorm’s dastardly culture of constant intoxicated debauchery. Social Chair Cam Speller stated, “Residents were tired of the way Allison was, two people drunkenly stumbling down a hallway at midnight, occasional noise past 10 PM… I ran on the promise to change that.”

Residents agreed; Weinberg freshman Max Turning of the second floor commented, “We thought that having strict CSOs would solve this problem; unfortunately, Allison is just too social. Whenever there are more than two people in the lounge, it becomes a huge deal.”

McCormick sophomore John Xiao lamented, “I lived in Bobb last year and moved here because I heard that Allison was a great place to get work done. I was so disappointed to find that occasional hallway conversations still distract me from my problem sets on Saturday nights.”

Allison was designed to be not just like a hotel aesthetically, but socially as well. Weinberg Freshman Julia Cameron said, “I liked the idea of Allison because I heard the doors were impossible to prop open. I didn’t know I’d have to deal with running into people in the bathroom in the morning. It’s too much interaction for me to handle; personally, I’d rather live in NMQ.”

EVANSTON – The Northwestern custodial staff reported Friday that 85% of all toilets, including urinals, in Northwestern dormitories became clogged on Wednesday night between 8 and 11 PM. The rules for several Presidential debate drinking games had been circling around campus in the days prior to the debate. One group of drinkers reported the following guidelines: drinking if either candidate argues with the moderator, drinking if either candidate addresses his opponent in the third person, drinking if Obama falls asleep at the podium, and drinking if Romney appears to be hiding an erection.

Soon after the debate began, students at many debate-watching parties began to follow the common rule of chugging if a candidate speaks beyond their allotted time until Jim Lehrer stops them. This often lasted well over two minutes. Students then mobbed the bathrooms to eject the alcohol from their system. Several intoxicated students found themselves in an unfamiliar restroom, their heads surrounded by a porcelain halo.

Amanda Centrola, a McCormick freshman who lives on the third floor of Bobb, recalled, “I was on my sixth straight hour of studying when I heard a stampede toward the bathroom. Girls were screaming when they realized that there were male students befouling it. One girl tried to run to an empty one on the far end of the hall, but she didn’t make it. I saw her later, covered in tears and her own vomit, sitting outside her CA’s room for the rest of the night.”

The University’s custodial staff has asserted that since the debate occurred on a Wednesday, they would not be cleaning up the bathrooms until the normal weekly cleaning on Monday, telling students to “Suck it up” because “It’s [their] own damn fault.”

President Morton Schapiro declined to comment on the toilety state of the university. However, witnesses claim that Morty was drinking amongst the students but did not show even remote signs of sickness.

Who’s psyched for Dillo Day?!? Who’s ready to rock out to (if you’re drunk) awesome music with (if you’re drunk) awesome people? You’ve worked your ass off for nine months, and you’re ready to cram an entire year’s worth of partying into a single weekend. FUCK YEAH! There’s just one lingering question:

Why the fuck are you bringing your camera?

Seriously, why? Do you really think you’re going to treasure that grainy photo of Big Boi in twenty years? Or in a month? Does Youtube really need more low-res Reel Big Fish footage?

I’m sure your best friend will be flattered that you’ve documented his Dionysian excess for all posterity. And it will certainly be generous of you to give that skeevy stranger a free $200+ camera when you leave it by the rocks of Lake Michigan for just a sec as you run off to the beer garden.

Some of you may be tempted to use your camera as a Hangover-style photo diary, to remember what happened the previous day when you wake up in a stranger’s bed. But when going through those photos, if you find yourself face-to-face with Zach Galifianakis’s penis, you’ll have no one to blame but yourself.

Remember: each hand holding a camera is one less holding a drink. And do you really want to face Steve Aoki sober?

EVANSTON – McCormick senior Joshua Manley said Thursday that he was “really bummed” that high school students would no longer be allowed to attend Dillo Day. “I totally liked checking out those hot 17-year-olds every year. I’d give them a beer or seven and boy was Dillo Day the best day ever.”

Manley’s best friend Aaron Jacobson felt similarly. “Like, why should I even bother coming to Dillo Day anymore? I can get drunk anywhere, any time. I can see better live music in Chicago. I mean, Steve Aoki headlining? Really?”

Manley agreed. “It was the people who made Dillo Day special. And this rule banning high schoolers from Dillo Day is taking away the people, taking away what made it special.”

“On the bright side,” said Jacobson, “at least we won’t be arrested for sexual harassment this year.”

EVANSTON – Following assignment postings for EPD and campus security personnel in anticipation of 2012 Dillo Day events, Evanston police officer Eric Mills, 29, expressed regret that he would not be stationed at the Lakefill for the Reel Big Fish performance.

“I mean, yeah, Cold War Kids are alright and all,” Mills reportedly told his supervisor, “but Cheer Up! was one of my favorite albums back when I was in college. And I can’t think of any better way to relive those concert memories than by being a total dick to current students like my campus police was once to me!”

Mills, an avid music fan, has always looked forward to his Dillo Day assignment. During the 2011 festivities, Mills broke up a fight between three ETHS students who snuck into the show, but opted not to make any arrests because he didn’t want to miss the end of The New Pornographers’ set.

“I’d be fine with the SPAC parking lot,” Mills further explained. “I could at least hear the show and pretend I was there, but the Bobb courtyard? Really? Between breaking up fights, getting aid for dangerously drunk students, and preventing high-schoolers from sneaking in, you’ve got me checking colored wristbands? It’s Bobb! What’s left to fucking steal?”

Unfortunately for Mills, the final updated schedule has revealed that his request for assignment transfer was denied. As one of Evanston’s Finest, however, Mills has stated that he will accept this outcome with maturity and dignity.

“I’m just gonna serve my hours like every other officer at Dillo Day; seething with thinly-veiled resentment and looking for any excuse to write students up.”

EVANSTON – Northwestern English professor Shelby Anderson debuted a joint policy between the NU English Department and the Evanston Police Department last Thursday. Students who turn in essays they clearly wrote while intoxicated must now analyze their paper’s diction, syntax, structure, and tone in the context of their drinking.

The first person to be affected by the policy is Weinberg sophomore Daniel O’Connor, the author of a “totally incoherent” paper on the short story “Araby” from James Joyce’s Dubliners.

Anderson reportedly held O’Connor’s paper out at arms’ length and addressed the boy in front of a puzzled and amused class: “Distance yourself from authorship of this as far as possible. Let it go. This paper was now written by not you. By some other creature, perhaps not of this earth. The author’s gender is now neutral. You will refer to it in the third person, simply as… ‘O’Connor.’”

Alone on his musty bed, O’Connor concentrated on an empty beer mug, imagining a warm golden ale filling it to the brim. Eventually, this mental conjuring warmed his body, and he was able to comprehend a full 47% of his assignment.

He then belched very loudly and experienced a vivid flash of the true nature of his life: a cruelly repetitive series of slaps in the face. He seethed at the thought of next week being the same as the last: the alcohol no better, the people no warmer, the women no more attainable. And he saw himself as a pouchy-cheeked man-child, standing alone on a barren hilltop.

Shaking, he faced the blank word processing document. He refused to roll over and give up. Dammit, he had written fifteen college application essays. Moreover, nine or ten of them had been about alcohol. He knew he could pull this off.

O’Connor toiled all night, eventually producing a five-page response analysis. Some excerpts are included below:

—At this point in the paper, Grey Goose takes control of the keyboard, referring to the lovesick protagonist’s imagination as a ‘cabana,’ and giving the unfortunate impression that O’Connor couldn’t give half a shit.

—O’Connor expertly employs a host of misfiring synapses in this rambling discourse
on Irish paralysis. Specifically, massive alliteration of ‘s’ and an abrupt shift in tone halfway through to what feels like pleading convey a muddled sense of the protagonist’s disillusionment with the tawdry bazaar, while providing a surprisingly accurate account of O’Connor’s own Saturday night.

Upon reading the paper, Professor Anderson called it “insightful, in a harrowing, go-puke-your-guts-out-in-a-toilet kind of way.” He paused to reflect, before adding, “While he may not be the next Joyce, I think the boy’s come a long way in addressing his literary problems from an alcoholic perspective – something every great [BURP] um, scholar, must do.”