“This is a huge step forward in filmmaking,” said Cornelius Jones, a Lionsgate executive. “Never before has there been a film geared mostly towards an ethnic audience about a single ethnic group. [Perry] is really stepping out of his comfort zone with this endeavor.”

Perry’s last picture grossed an astounding $40 million dollars, so the release of Madea Does Some Moderately Funny Shit may shape up to be not only a groundbreaking film, but also one that somehow actually makes a ton of money. The posthumous appearance of both Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes (making a cameo as Chef) should also boost sales. Furthermore, Oprah Winfrey endorsed the film as, “Practically as good as Roots, except without Willis from Different Strokes.” This kind of endorsement, judging by the success of A Million Little Pieces, could skyrocket Perry to super stardom.

Reportedly, UPN offered to buy the rights to a sitcom spin-off, starring one of the twins from Sister, Sister, Steve Harvey, and the lead singer of Hootie and the Blowfish. Says Maya Angelou, “At this rate, we could have a black President of the United States.”

“Like, dude,” area Netflix user Ben Mellon told The Flipside, “not seeing “Harold and Kumar” on 4/20 totally messes with my chi. That one scene where they get the White Castle burgers is sweeeeet.”
Netflix spokesman Adam Field offered an explanation for the shortage of DVDs. “We usually get spikes like this around the time of the year a movie becomes relevant. Two weeks ago, as Easter approached, The Passion of the Christ was in high demand. Last week, during sex week, I’d like to see you try to find a copy of Muffy the Vampire Layer. These things happen.”

Stoners have found various ways to cope with the loss of their cult classic. Mellon explained that his girlfriend had received Milk from Netflix. “I tried to get high and watch, but that shit was dull. Made me real thirsty, too. Mmm. Milk.”

Another pair of stoners were admitted to Evanston Hospital after they attempted to ride a cheetah, imitating a famous scene from the film. After failing to find a cheetah, they attempted to ride a car instead. They are in critical but stable condition and are expected to remain in the hospital for the next couple of days.

The acclaimed author and mathematical genius who graduated from Oxford and Cambridge refused to comment on his loss. The audience credited the poor final round to his lack of pop culture knowledge. “For a man who knows so much about incredibly advanced mathematical concepts, you’d think Martin and Charley Sheen wouldn’t cause him so much trouble,” noted one audience member.

Co-host Vanna White was appalled as well. “Hearing that Stephen Hawking would finally appear on our show was incredible to say the least. What happened will go down in history.” Friends, family, and neighbors of Stephen Hawking noticed that after this traumatic event, Stephen became particularly reclusive. One neighbor commented, “The last time he was like this was when he was nearing his discovery on black hole emission! We all assumed he was onto something big until we noticed the constant supply of DVDs from Netflix filtering through his mail. It seems the focus of his mind may be shifting.”