THE HUNDRED ACRE WOOD, EAST SUSSEX, ENGLAND – The Lewes Police Force reported Tuesday that Eeyore, the lugubrious but beloved stuffed donkey best known through his acquaintance with Edward Bear (colloquially known as “Winnie-the-Pooh”), was found dead Tuesday. Eeyore, seen at right in a 2003 picture, was 85 years old.
Constable Henry Anderson discovered the body under a pile of logs after the Lewes Police received a 999 call from Mr. Pooh. “It was a grisly sight,” shuddered Anderson. “His brains had been forced out of his skull and were spattered on nearby trees and rocks. His body was twisted in ways I never thought a donkey could bend, blood was everywhere, and I couldn’t tell where his bones ended and his stuffing-fluff began.”
“It definitely wasn’t what I was expecting,” continued Anderson. “Usually when I’m called out to the Wood it’s Rabbit reporting another harmless case of vegetable garden vandalism.”
The police have taken into custody a suspect named Gopher, an American animal who moved to the Hundred Acre Wood in 1966. One of his holes was found next to the remains of Eeyore’s house, and fresh gopher droppings were found at the scene.
Anderson said, “It took me forever to track the little bugger down, since ‘he’s not in the book.’ But after I gave up scouring the forest, by chance I discovered him downing shots of whiskey at a pub in Brighton.”
Gopher declined to comment to The Flipside, but was heard muttering through his cell door, asking God how “such a sad, fat ass could be more popular than me.” He then yelled, “I WASN’T EVEN IN THE NEW MOVIE FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!” Gopher is expected to be charged with premeditated murder.
Eeyore will always be remembered for never having fun, groaning annoyingly, and being the model for the stuffed animal that no one ever wanted but everyone pretended to like to please the ignorant grandmothers. He will be missed dearly.