EVANSTON—To the delight of her family, missing senior citizen Winifred Leibowitz reappeared on Wednesday when she wandered into the lobby of Elder Residential Community. She was not let back up into the dorm rooms because she did not have a valid Wildcard.

Mrs. Leibowitz says she mistook Elder Residential Community, the newly renovated North Campus dormitory, for the assisted living community her children had suggested she make her new residence. “I just saw all the darling children and assumed they were visiting their grandmothers and grandfathers around the home, so I moved right in!” Mrs. Leibowitz explained. “It just seemed like such a lively place with all the bright youngsters running around at all hours of the day and night. Such mishegas!”

Mrs. Leibowitz’s roommate, Hannah Goyish, was a bit taken aback on move-in day when she found that her roommate was approximately the same age as her own grandmother. “At first I was a little unsure, especially because I thought I had a single, but she’s turned out to be a great roommate!” Hannah gushed. “She makes a damn good brisket, and she’s always asleep when I get back so I never have to explain to her where I’ve been all night. I’m actually pretty sad she won’t be my roomie anymore.”

Due to the mix-up, Northwestern officials are considering changing the name of the dorm building in order to make a more clear distinction between freshmen residential options and the assisted living communities in the area. For now, however, the focus is on providing a smooth transition for Mrs. Leibowitz from Elder to the assisted living community.

“I don’t mean to kvetch, but oy, the men here are schmucks compared to the ones at Elder!” Mrs. Leibowitz told Flipside as she schlepped her going-out-clothes and her secret stash of Absolut from her old home to her new one.

EVANSTON—You can tell a lot about a man by his wall. No, not his Facebook wall. People can create false personas and post things on their own wall; thus, making them look much more popular than they really are, not that I would know or anything…

No, I am talking about the $10,000 dorm room wall. You know it is a bad sign when a kid puts nothing on his wall. He probably has no personality. The kid’s is as empty as the girl’s volleyball stands and is as boring as Elder’s food selection.

For those not cool enough to come equipped with the Jon Belushi “College” poster or a Bob Marlee poster, salvation is around the corner at the poster sale (it is only a sale because things are being sold, not because prices are remotely reasonable). Praise Norris.

So the closet homosexual buys a nice poster of a girl’s bosom.

So the kid who has never been to first base buys a bikini poster so he shows everybody that he knows how to hit a home run.

So the girl buys a Twilight poster to try and justify her Goth related disorder.

More often than not, the posters turn out to be more interesting than the kid who bought them. That science nerd with the Star Trek ring tone has a fucking sweet poster of NASA bombing the moon. Hopefully, they kill that man living up there. I heard it is Osama Bin Laden.

The movie buff—who probably is only going to movies because he can’t find somebody to hang out with or has yet to acquaint himself with our good friend Mr. Alcohol—has a tight mafia poster. However, the only thing that kid ever stole was from an NU dining hall. Odds are the IMDB homepage kid looked incredibly suspicious as he stuffed cookies in his backpack while glancing away and whistled out of the dining hall.

I mean, come on. Everybody takes food from the dining hall. It’s like punching a baby in the face, or however that expression goes.