Posted on 18 October 2013.
EVANSTON — Six masked gunmen broke into Allison Residential Community yesterday and held a group of ASG candidates hostage for 12 hours.
“It was sooooooo scary,” said Allison resident Vanessa Pasteur. “I was just listening to John’s speech, and then there were these big dudes with guns and hoodies, they busted in and told everyone to get down on the floor.”
ASG Residence Hall elections is fast-approaching, and tensions this year were at an all-time high.
“The race for padding resumés with bullshit positions has never been more intense,” said Neil Mantle, Allison’s Area Coordinator. “We were afraid something like this might happen eventually.”
The men attempted to kidnap the ASG candidates present, but they were not prepared for the speedy response of campus police. At first, the gunmen refused to budge, negotiating for hours with the police and refusing to divulge their purpose or release the hostages. Several attempts were made to escape through windows, all met with failure.
Upon realizing the game was up, the gunmen quickly surrendered and were revealed all to be drunken residents of Bobb Residence Hall, armed with repainted Nerf guns. They were immediately taken into custody, and when questioned, all admitted to being under payroll of Natalie Smith, an ASG candidate running in Allison. Their orders were to kidnap all of the candidates, and then “accidentally” allow her to escape.
Allegedly, Smith had offered all of the gang beers in exchange for the job.
Smith has since fled the country, and is still being pursued by the FBI, campus police, and an armed drone.
Posted in Local, No. 119
Posted on 14 October 2013.
EVANSTON — With his first four years in office coming to a close, University President Morton Schapiro publicly announced in a speech on Deering Meadow his bid for reelection to another term as President of Northwestern University.
Most pundits expected Schapiro to turn to reelection, and no other candidate has announced a challenging bid. However, Schapiro warned that the campaign would not be easy. “There are certain to be challengers funded by special interest groups and a capella musicians, if you can call that ‘music.’ There are certain to be attacks upon my character and my actions over the past four years. There are certain to be vicious ads taped to the sidewalk which will remain long after the campaign is done.”
President Schapiro’s four years in office have been controversial, and opponents are expected to analyze many of the events that occurred during the Schapiro administration. “Schapiro is certainly going to have to come up with a salient defense for his policies on tuition hikes and drone strikes,” said Political Science professor Andrew Roberts, “but what could really sink him is the tragedies that he allowed to occur during his term, mainly The Keg closing, Chet Haze leaving, and a lack of upward mobility in our US News and World Report rankings.”
While Schapiro currently runs unopposed, Roberts speculated, “I’d expect Pat Fitzgerald to run, even though we didn’t beat Ohio State. As an alumnus with a strong leadership record, he would definitely be a very dangerous opponent to Schapiro, who doesn’t have even a single degree from Northwestern. Well, he has an honorary degree from Garrett-Evangelical Theological Seminary. I don’t know if that counts. And, as with every one of these elections, Stephen Colbert will definitely be a dangerous write-in candidate.”
Posted in Local, No. 118
Posted on 14 November 2012.
By Rafalca Romney, Mitt Romney’s Horse
Greenwich Gardens — Will the real Mittens Romney please stand up?
Standing. On all four of my glossy, chestnut-colored legs. And I have been. Since my drastically underhyped performance in the London 2012 Olympic Games. Sure, I may not have earned a gold in dressage, but last I checked I’m not the only Romney who dropped the ball recently.
Look Willard, we’re not so different. I get what it’s like to be unlikeable. I’m German. My sire’s name is Rubinstein. Your wife named me Rafalca. I have an incredibly pretentious, potentially racist name, my father sounds like a comic-book villain, and I’m from the least liked country on Earth. We could have been friends Willard. We could have.
Really though, even I can’t look at your presidential campaign, and say “atta boy,” and offer you some oats. Not only could I have done a better job checking Paul Ryan’s math by stamping my left hoof, but I probably could have conveyed a better understanding of the American tax-bracket breakdown based on my observations of barnyard social structure.
At the end of the day, Willard, and I will call you Willard because EVERYONE KNOWS THAT ANNE ONLY CALLS ME MITTENS, you stole my thunder. 2012 should have been my year. I was the one who went to the Olympics, and all I got to be was your most famous tax deduction. And the worst part: do you know why I only have three white socks above my perfectly-groomed, competition-ready hooves? Because Barack Obama took my fourth one to give to an overweight, underpriviledged Clydesdale.
Way to stumble mid-piaffe, Willard. I’ll fit in better with donkeys anyways.
Posted in No. 93, Opinion, Politics
Posted on 06 November 2012.
ATLANTA, EVANSTON, and DES MOINES — An anonymous Northwestern student-watchdog group has alerted the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) about a potentially deadly disease called “Face AIDS.” According to the a statement from the CDC, the previously unknown disease has in the last month spread all over the Northwestern campus.
Little is known about the disease, but already an awareness campaign has started in the form of flyers around the campus, prompting the CDC to advise: “At this point, there is insufficient evidence to determine whether this is a mutation of the AIDS virus that has become faceborne, or if this is another virus altogether. What we do know is that more than a few flyers will be necessary to take down Face AIDS.”
Flyers about Face AIDS were placed by the newly-created student group “Face Face AIDS,” whose mission statement is “To make so many people aware of Face AIDS, that it gets really shy and embarrassed and just disappears.”
“It’s like those pink ribbons you see,” elaborated Face Face AIDS founder Steve Joplin. “If enough people see pink ribbons, and know that breast cancer exists, then breast cancer simply disappears because it gets very self-conscious that so many people know about it. We’re just hoping to do the same for Face AIDS.”
The Face Face AIDS group’s efforts have already been successful. Due to the proliferation of “Face AIDS” signs at Northwestern University, President Obama pledged to eradicate the Face AIDS plight from the United States.
“Face AIDS is a serious problem,” President Obama said at a stump speech in Iowa earlier this week, pointing out that his comprehensive healthcare overhaul covered Face AIDS.
“While I’ve been at the forefront of the Face AIDS epidemic, where has Governor Romney been?” the president asked. “That man is clearly out of touch with the issues that affect every day Americans.”
Warned Mr. Obama, “You can get them from kissing, hugging, or voting Republican.”
Posted in No. 92, Politics
Posted on 05 November 2012.
NEW YORK CITY — New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg publically endorsed President Obama last Thursday, saying the effects of Hurricane Sandy reshaped his thinking of the presidential campaign. While many Democrats welcomed the New York mayor’s support, Obama was less than enthusiastic about the statement. The implication that Bloomberg was previously unsure of his vote, or even possibly considering to vote for the Romney/Ryan ticket, definitely shook their friendship to its very core.
An inside source told The Flipside, “Barack is quite upset about Mike’s comments. He thought that they were really close friends, even bros. The fact that Mike’s decision came down to global warming and not Barack’s awesome basketball stories is very disappointing to the President.” The President’s emotions have affected his campaign. A campaign staffer who wished to remain anonymous revealed, “Barack toured New Jersey with Governor Chris Christie to make Bloomberg jealous. He wanted to appear all buddy-buddy with Chris, just to show the mayor that he doesn’t need him.”
Although Bloomberg did not publicly endorse a candidate in 2008, the President believed that his friend would wholeheartedly support him. Bloomberg’s additional comment, that Obama has “engaged in partisan attacks and embraced a divisive populist agenda focused on redistributing income rather than creating it,” definitely was a blow to their relationship. The President took it personally.
Barack’s subsequent erratic behavior has been trying on his staff and supporters. With the election finally at a close, his campaign advisers are hoping that he can pull it together. Even though they removed all of the Ben & Jerry’s from the campaign bus, they have still been finding candy wrappers and empty Doritos bags. The staffer revealed in an exclusive interview that Barack is “…taking it really hard. We told him that it’s not a big deal, that Mayor Bloomberg is just the mayor of only one city in the country, but he won’t listen to us.”
Governor Christie, in response, said that he would do anything for his new pal. “If Mike fucks with Barack again,” claimed Christie, “I’ll eat him.”
Posted in No. 92, Politics
Posted on 22 October 2012.
FACEBOOK –- Following your decision to watch a Presidential debate and post a Facebook status in support of your preferred candidate, area man William Burton, whom sources indicate you dimly remember from your days in summer camp, has already left three lengthy comments on your original post detailing exactly how and why you are a propaganda-spewing shill for an illegitimate political movement.
Burton began his tirade by telling you how “disappointed” he was to see you supporting a rival politician to his own, as he had “always considered you smarter than that” and was disheartened to see you “falling for such an obvious narrative of lies hook, line, and sinker.”
When you attempted to diffuse the situation with humor, light-heartedly pointing out a recently publicized gaffe made by Burton’s chosen candidate, Burton reportedly flew into a fit of rage, furiously typing that said gaffe was “completely taken out of context,” and was “further proof that [your candidate]’s campaign is run on empty ad hominem attacks meant to disguise a lack of feasible policy.”
Sources state that Burton then linked you to the heavily polarized homepage of a SuperPAC, instructing you to watch a carefully-edited, high-budget “documentary” of disparaging comments made by your candidate, telling you he hoped that this would “finally open your eyes.”
Sensing the opportunity for intelligent political discourse, Dan Gibson, an avid Ron Paul supporter, posted his own carefully crafted treatise on the merits of limited government: RON PAUL 2012!!!!!
As of print time, Gibson has resumed studying for his tenth grade Chemistry test. You are unsure why you added a friend’s little brother to your Facebook social network.
Posted in No. 90, Politics
Posted on 17 October 2012.
EVANSTON – Newly elected representatives of Allison’s Hall Government have vowed to eliminate the dorm’s dastardly culture of constant intoxicated debauchery. Social Chair Cam Speller stated, “Residents were tired of the way Allison was, two people drunkenly stumbling down a hallway at midnight, occasional noise past 10 PM… I ran on the promise to change that.”
Residents agreed; Weinberg freshman Max Turning of the second floor commented, “We thought that having strict CSOs would solve this problem; unfortunately, Allison is just too social. Whenever there are more than two people in the lounge, it becomes a huge deal.”
McCormick sophomore John Xiao lamented, “I lived in Bobb last year and moved here because I heard that Allison was a great place to get work done. I was so disappointed to find that occasional hallway conversations still distract me from my problem sets on Saturday nights.”
Allison was designed to be not just like a hotel aesthetically, but socially as well. Weinberg Freshman Julia Cameron said, “I liked the idea of Allison because I heard the doors were impossible to prop open. I didn’t know I’d have to deal with running into people in the bathroom in the morning. It’s too much interaction for me to handle; personally, I’d rather live in NMQ.”
Posted in Local, No. 89
Posted on 16 October 2012.
EVANSTON – Students across the Northwestern campus were stunned to find out that fairly-counted votes for student government positions would be re-counted by Jeb Bush in order to determine the real winners. “The Allison presidential position looked like a landslide victory,” admitted resident Brad Turner, a Weinberg freshman, “but it’s always good to have the trustworthy Jeb Bush re-count for us!”
Other students, though, weren’t too thrilled with Bush being in charge of the re-count. “I just think he’s done enough fucked up things for this country, and for once, I just want to be able to have an election without feeling like it’s fixed,” said McCormick sophomore Billy McPhee. He later added he couldn’t vote in the real presidential elections because apparently student IDs could be fraudulent.
Mr. Jeb Bush himself tried to dismiss suspicions of any lack of integrity during the re-count, saying, “I have no family at Northwestern, so no one has to worry about any sort of bias.” Mr. Bush was later heard telling close friends and family that he was itching to re-count a ballot and recalling his impressive performance during the 2000 presidential election.
David Anderson, a Medill sophomore and Bobb-McCullough Vice-Presidential candidate, thought he had won his election, so he took all of his friends out to Burger King. “You could see his mood change, and at first we didn’t know what it was. Then he showed us the e-mail telling him Mr. Bush would be re-counting all the elections, and his heart sank,” his friend confided.
“It’s just so unfortunate, you know? He’ll probably cry about how the bubble next to my name was ambiguous. I might as well make a concession speech. Although, I’ll probably have weeks before the outcome is official,” David lamented.
Though no longer in office, after his Northwestern gig, Mr. Bush has plans to fly down to Florida on what he called “official business.”
Posted in Local, No. 89, Politics
Posted on 03 April 2012.
WASHINGTON – A landmark ruling on the legality of “Obamacare” has ended in unexpected compromise. Liberal and conservative factions of the Supreme Court have agreed to allow Americans to choose for themselves between extensive affordable healthcare coverage or a succulent medium-rare quarter-pound cheeseburger. According to Gallup polls, voters are unsure of whether to claim their burger now or wait for secondary rulings on French fry and soft-drink inclusion.
Presidential candidate Rick Santorum has already seized the ruling as campaign material. “This is our chance to defeat the insidious ‘Obamacare’ once and for all!” Santorum thundered at a GOP rally. “Go forth and claim your coupons! Tell Obama that we will not allow death panels or big government to decide our health! Only we have the right to absolutely wreck our bodies!” An aide brought a Republican-endorsed Big Mac up to the stage.
“Hear that sizzle? Savoring that smell? Just look at how juicy this fucker is,” Santorum said, spending the next five minutes enjoying his snack in silence as an increasingly hungry audience began to wander out of the auditorium.
Alexander Edmunds, a local under-employed musician, has found the decision quite difficult.
“I haven’t had health insurance since I was a child,” Edmunds told a group of reporters as he strummed his acoustic guitar in a nearby park. “I just can’t afford it on a musician’s salary. Do I deserve to die for it?”
“So, I take it you’ll be supporting the Obamacare initiative, then?” a CNN correspondent asked.
“Well, I was really hoping to get this cough checked out,” Edmunds answered. “But then I found out the coupon was redeemable at Five Guys. So, maybe next election year.”
Posted in No. 78, Politics