WASHINGTON—The EPA recently released a shocking comprehensive report in which they revealed the true cause of global warming: the end of the Cold War. Although the Cold War neared its end twenty years ago with the collapse of the Berlin Wall, its effects on global temperatures are just now being discovered. According to lead scientist Bill Nye, “the frigid diplomatic relations between the United States and the former USSR were the chief source of global cooling and an effective combatant to the forces that present themselves today as global warming.” He goes further to say that, “all of those stories about the rise of pollution in cities contributing to global warming are just urban legends.”

The groundbreaking report has angered environmentalists everywhere. Former Vice President Al Gore, crusader against global warming, is having trouble coming to terms with this new, even more inconvenient truth. “All this time, I thought I was helping the world by carpooling, conserving energy, and ‘going green’,” said Gore. “In reality, what I should have been doing all along was using my political connections to build up China into a superpower, thus facilitating the creation of a Colder War.”

In accordance with the report’s findings, the EPA has issued a list of recommendations to combat global warming. The organization suggests that people act with a detached demeanor towards anyone they meet while making sure not to allow any situation to escalate into open confrontation. Other advisable steps to take include attempting to see a lunar eclipse before your neighbor, and accumulating a larger collection of tools than any neighbor possesses. Frequent awkward contact with ex-lovers is also encouraged. Smith is confident that with this new information, society will be more capable of fighting the global problem. “If we all do our part to make our personal diplomatic climates a little bit colder, we can solve the problem of global warming once and for all.”

MCHENRY, IL—Cecil Daniels used to be neurotic about littering. He has admitted to keeping trash bags in his Toyota Prius to pick up and throw away garbage on the street. Since childhood, Daniels said, he was aware of the effects of littering, an attitude created by a public service announcement.

That has since changed. “These ‘eco’ products are amazing, they’ve totally changed my life,” Daniels told The Flipside. “Now, I just toss my used 5th generation brand paper plates out of my car window, with the comfort of knowing they’ll soon be absorbed into the earth.”

The growing trend of “green” product packaging, which underlines recycled, biodegradable post-consumer paper materials that rely less on petroleum, has created a spontaneous trashing of sidewalks, roadsides, wildernesses, and, yes, Segway paths. Although many environmentalists were surprised by the latest trend in littering, experts say it is here to stay. “The shame attached to littering has finally been put to rest,” said the head of EPA, Mrs. Vegan. “With manufacturers packaging goods in unbleached, biodegradable, cornstarch based papers and plastics, more people will throw away their garbage wherever is convenient, knowing that it will safely decompose within the next 15 or so years.”

The growing reaction form “neo-litterbugs” like Cecil Daniels has been nothing less than gleeful. Scientists have seen a 9% increase in highway littering since the end of 2008.

To prevent further littering, many environmentalists demand that Congress pass legislation forcing all packages to be coated with a toxin that can kill wildlife unless products are properly disposed of in garbage bags. They hope people will then question the morality of littering and ultimately begin recycling again, the “proper way.”