PITTSBURGH—The Opening Week of the 2010 baseball season has just come to a close and ESPN has already sapped the suspense out of it. Using advanced saber metrics and years of compiled data to analyze and project the opening week of this season, ESPN has already crowned the Pittsburgh Pirates as its projected World Series winner based on early performance.

According to renowned Baseball Tonight analyst Peter Gammons, “If you look at the numbers, it’s obvious. Based on their young talent, recent victories over the Los Angeles Dodgers and impressive 28-17 record in games played where the temperature is precisely 62 degrees and the President’s first name starts with letter B in the month of May, the Pirates are a lock.

Another analyst, John Kruk, adds, “If you haven’t heard of starting pitching sensation Ross Ohlendhorf, you will in the coming weeks.”

Although the Pirates are slated to be World Series Champions, the season is not lost for everyone. Albert Pujols is the expected National League MVP and is on pace to hit a mind-blowing 92 homers this year. Pujols has a batting average of .400 when he plays teams that start with a vowel and the count is 2 and 2. Johann Santana also has a projected ERA of 0.37 and is a shoe in for the Cy Young Award.

With all of the key components of the 2010 Season decided, ESPN is already warming up the Hot Stove for 2011 and beyond. According to Baseball Tonight host Karl Ravech, the Washington Nationals are the team that will fly under the radar in 2017. “You’ve gotta keep your eye on the high school talent,” Ravech says.

MINNEAPOLIS—Minnesota Vikings quarterback and NFL great Brett Favre held a press conference today to announce that he would no longer be conducting press conferences. “This is a hard decision for me and my family,” Brett informed the media, “but I feel I can no longer execute solid press conferences like I could in Green Bay.” Favre then began crying and stated that he would offer no further comment.

The announcement came as a surprise to many, who didn’t think Favre wanted to break his streak of 269 straight postgame press conferences. Other members of the media were confused about how they would converse with Favre after games, but their questions were quickly answered when Favre announced a new Twitter account, twitter.com/onthefavreingblock, which he explained would “hopefully fill the hole in my heart left vacant by the departure of press conferences.”

Though some people admire Favre’s sincerity, others wonder if he can truly abstain from the limelight. There is speculation that Favre may come out of press-conference retirement as early as next week. At the time of this article, a rumor has circulated that Favre may call a press conference announcing his return to the press conference world. Favre has tried to clear up suspicions, stating, “I’m done with press conferences. Any press conference that speculates my holding a press conference to return to press conferences is not a legitimate press conference.”

ESPN has given great attention to Favre’s press-conference retirement. They have three reporters stalking Favre 24/7 to inform the public of his every move, hidden cameras placed throughout Favre’s house, and interviews scheduled with every player who has ever played alongside Favre. “We want to get everyone’s opinion on the development,” explained ESPN anchor Chris Berman, “after all, we can’t go two seconds without Brett Favre coverage, can we?”