LAGUARDIA AIRPORT, NEW YORK – New FAA regulations will soon allow passengers to continue using their electronic devices for the entire duration of a flight, and not just at cruising altitudes.
The move has been hailed by most Americans, who are apparently unable to cease playing Candy Crush for even 15 minutes. However, not everyone is pleased with the new guidelines. A coalition representing the nation’s most pathetic bastards has come forward to complain that their only opportunity for subverting authority in life has now been seized from them.
“We demand that the FAA’s prohibition on electronic devices during take-off and landing be reinstated,” read one such petition. “Sneakily continuing to use our iPods after flight attendants kindly ask that we put them away is quite literally the only thrill of our lives. It is our sole opportunity for pretending that we have any modicum of power or influence, and such excitement derives exclusively from the act being forbidden.”
Critics of the coalition have pointed out that other acts, such as smoking in airplane bathrooms, remain forbidden, but the pathetic men say it’s just not the same, as they “could actually get in trouble for that.”
Movement leader Christopher Harris expounded on the faction’s central thesis: “It’s been generations since we’ve had a law barring an activity so obviously harmless that even we, the most pathetic men in America, felt comfortable flaunting it openly. (Of course, we always turned on Airplane Mode to be extra safe.)”
“Now that common sense has finally prevailed,” Harris continued, “we’ll have to resume submitting to the authority of our bosses, co-workers, spouses, parents, children, salespeople, wait-staff, homeless panhandlers, and random internet commentators with no opportunity to yell, ‘FUCK YOU, WORLD! NO ONE TELLS ME WHAT TO DO! LOOK UPON ME READING THE WALL STREET JOURNAL ON MY KINDLE AND DESPAIR!!!’ Give us freedom from the tyranny our total lack of spine has created for us!”
As of press time, the American adult literacy rate has dropped to 73%. Researchers note that 89% of all American reading was accomplished in airplane cabins during the 15-minute windows in which electronics were previously banned.