NEW YORK – Former Vice President Al Gore hastily scratched in the word “Vice” before “President Al Gore” Monday, startled from a moment lost in thought as a staffer asked if he was done endorsing a non-binding U.N. resolution. Internal sources report his “Vice” has grown increasingly haphazardly-placed in relation to the rest of his title and is always written last, often in lowercase.

The Nobel Prize winner currently divides his time between leading his Alliance for Climate Protection, and adding work history to his Facebook profile and fan page just to look, but not saving it.

EVANSTON — Around 3:30 a.m. on Friday, Northwestern sophomore Alec Miller overhauled his Facebook, including changing his interests to men, his status to “I love the smell of dick in the morning” and his birthday to that day.

“I no we have nott spoken in monkths,” writes Miller on his ex-girlfriend’s wall, “but my tiny dick misses you. XOXOXO.”

“I’m gay now,” he posted right after.

Miller also decided to rekindle relationships by starting chats with people from high school whose friend requests he accepted without checking to make sure he knew them.

“Honestly, I’m surprised he was so excited to talk to me,” says Rupert O’Flaherty, whose profile picture shows more acne than skin.

Overnight, Miller became a fan of “Women in the Workforce,” “Pearl Harbor,” “Alcoholics Anonymous,” and “The Herpes Helpline.”

When asked the next morning about the sudden changes, Miller asked “what the fuck are you talking about and how did you get into my room?”

FARMVILLE, INTERNET – Local farmer Buck Jansen was involved in a drug bust Thursday after selling marijuana to local mobster Joe Zamboni, authorities said. Jansen, a highly respected farmer in the area, is best known for his completion of Level Two Daffodil Mastery after just one day of farming.

Locals are shocked at this sudden turn of morality. “Last time I checked his page, Jansen had rescued a lonely pink cow from his farm,” said Farmville resident Johnson Smith. “He was always willing to help others fertilize their crops,” said Smith’s wife, Marion. “He always shared his mystery white eggs with us.”

After creating quite an impressive farm, filled with several crops and livestock, Jansen grew tired and wanted to move onto bigger and better agricultural pursuits. After illegally watching the showtime program Weeds online, Jansen said he realized the only way to make the most money in Farmville and to finally beat all of the friends he met in chat rooms was to grow and sell drugs.

“It made perfect sense to me. Luckily, moments after I thought of the idea, Mafia Wars came on the news [feed] and I knew just what to do,” Jansen said, without remorse.

Zamboni, an avid player of Mafia Wars, was pleased to do business with Jansen. Although he would not comment, Jansen assured us that Zamboni loved the idea of the two great apps working together. “He kept sending me notifications to join his Mafia, so he must have known I could grow some pretty legit dope,” Jansen said.

Jansen remains happy despite this blemish on his previously-untarnished reputation. “All great stars need a scandal to really put them on the map,” he said. “I believe my drug operation shows my capacity as a farmer, and will only bring more blue ribbons to my farm.”

And what does the future hold for Jansen?

“When I get out of jail, I’m considering moving to Fishville,” he said. “Of course, I’ll still keep my farm, but I think fish are where the money is.”

WASHINGTON – What started as a feud between 12-year-olds became something much more when Joe Hansen became the millionth person to join the Facebook group “One Million Against South Dakota”. When Hansen joined the group at 3:58 A.M. on October 30th, President Obama, who had been following the group closely since its start, promptly signed the executive order to revoke South Dakota’s statehood.

“As president, it is my duty to serve the American people. If the people say they don’t like South Dakota, the natural course of action is to renounce its 119-year history as a state,” said Obama in a statement later that day. The group, whose description was “i hate south dakota everyone there sucks especially chris”, was created by Timmy Griffith, a 7th-grader at Chamblee Middle School in Atlanta, Georgia.

“My cousin’s a total jerk. He said his state was better than my state and I was like nuh-uh and then he was like uh-huh so I made this Facebook group and it got a lot of people so I win,” said Timmy. He spoke to reporters in an interview conducted via Facebook Chat as part of a consciousness-raising campaign for his next project: the growing group “One Million Strong Against All Non-Facebook Forms of Communication.” If only 40 more people join, Griffith’s hopes will be realized, and Skyping, texting, phoning, and speaking face-to-face will all become illegal.

When asked what motivated this monumental act, Griffith said, “My cousin got the new iPhone. Douchebag.”

EVANSTON – Putting on and tucking in his Class of ’13 shirt, McCormick freshman Danny Gubin had a feeling it was going to be a good day. Gubin, often described as a real loser, then brushed his teeth with his electric toothbrush and flossed. Twice.

Gubin stared down at the condom given to him in his 6th grade health class, muttering to himself, “Today is going to be the day.”

After stumbling into the hallway over the “Our Little Boy Is In College” doormat his mom stitched him, Gubin smiled at Communication sophomore Maya Lev, who has over a 1000 Facebook friends.

“I told him he should take the price tag off his jeans,” reported Lev, who is looking for more community service hours.

Gubin, who has yet to make a friend on X-box Live, unlocked all 3 Kryptonite locks on his bike and then honked his bike horn at Kristen Melick, a Weinberg freshman.

“I saw that brace-faced, acne-infested buffoon on Sheridan,” Melick texted Flipside reporters. “It was disgusting.”

Gubin, who isn’t even friends with his dog, commented that Melick “looked like she just swallowed a bug, which is just ridiculous because everybody knows bugs cannot survive in the Evanston climate during October.”

“She pulled out her phone. I bet she was telling her friends about me!” said Gubin. “I’m so excited! I need friends… I almost made one once, but I then pulled out my pocket-abacus… that was a bad call.”

Turning on Noyes, Gubin waved at a girl in skanky-ass clothes. She asked him if he wanted a friend. Gubin said yes. She told him it would cost 40 dollars an hour.

“That was a good deal. I’ve never had a friend for that long. She even is willing to check out my dorm. I hope she likes my Captain Underpants posters.”

WASHINGTON – After exchanging a handshake and what were described as “warm words” with Hugo Chavez, Barack Obama friended the Venezuelan president on Facebook yesterday. Obama described the move as “a step forward in American foreign policy.” Chavez was quick to accept the friend request, saying he was happy to finally get the respect he deserved from the American government. “All that Bush guy ever did was send me pokes. For crying out loud George, do you have any idea how annoying those things are?”

This new Facebook friendship has had many perks for citizens of both the U.S. and Venezuela. Obama invited Chavez to three groups: “World Peace”, “UN Leaders Around the Globe” and “If 5000 people join this group, I will run naked through the Federal Capitol in Caracas.” He was pleased to see that Chavez accepted all of the invitations, but was unhappy that Chavez rejected his invitation to an event entitled “Rager at the White House.” “A complete Facebook friendship won’t happen all at once,” noted Obama, “but each day that we remain Facebook friends is a good day for U.S. foreign policy.”

Perhaps the most heartwarming moment of the friendship came when Chavez posted his list of the “Top 5 Funniest Looking World Leaders”. His list included several prominent figures including Angela Merkel, Hu Jintao, and Barack Obama. Obama published a comment, “Rofl, nice list. Ur sooooo right about Merkel. I think ur on my list tho lol.”

Not everyone has had a positive reaction to the Facebook friendship. Almost immediately after Chavez accepted the request, he got a notification from Fidel Castro that the former Cuban dictator had changed their relationship status to “It’s Complicated”.

Well isn’t this just great? My life was finally starting to get on track. I was just beginning to like my job and I was actually making money in the stock market, if you can believe that. Then, all of a sudden, I come home, start up my Mac Book Pro, and boom, Facebook completely flips a shit! Does my life suck or what?

Facebook doesn’t care “what’s on my mind.” If they really cared, they’d change back to the old Facebook. Damn them. You know, why is everything that I post now considered “sharing?” Is this preschool or something? Facebook is for the big kids, not those little twerps who watch High School Musical all day (which is totally what I want to be doing but I can’t because I have to work).

Facebook actually has a vote out there. Can you believe that, a vote? Currently, 95% of people are against the new Facebook. 95%! Yet they haven’t switched back! The only explanation can be that they don’t intend to do anything. The existence of the poll is to give people peace of mind. Well let me tell you something, I have no peace in my mind, only hatred.

And don’t even get me started on whatever that shit is on the right side of the homepage. I mean really, what is that? Are they pictures which sometimes show up in the normal feed or are they groups and events? I don’t know. All I know is, New Facebook has ruined my life!

FACEBOOK – If you haven’t listened to each of Barry Joshenstein’s songs 18 times yet, you must have zero taste in music. Just ask Barry himself.

“My music is amazing!” said Barry. “It’s more catchy that the Beatles, more badass than Biggie Smalls, and more emotional than Death Cab, but much less wimpy. There is no way anybody can say anything bad about my stuff.”

Joshenstein started his own Facebook fan page about a week ago to promote his music in an effort to gain infinite riches and world stardom by next Thursday at the absolute latest. So far, his page boasts 37 fans, only 35 of which were invited by Barry himself.

“People might think I’m all into myself by starting my own page,” commented Joshenstein, “but if I can’t just sit there and be unfamous and let the billions slip through my hands. The world deserves to know about me.”

Thoughts on Barry’s music range from “okay-ish?” to “please kill me now, this is horrible.” Barry’s girlfriend Cori Weinberg had this to say about his compositions: “I mean, they’re not that great, but music means a lot to Barry-Bear so I try to support him as much as I can. He promised I could be one of the VIP roadies on his world tour he’s going on next month. Like seriously, who would waste the opportunity to go to Reykjavik and Addis Ababa?”

Barry has released three songs on his page so far, titled “I See Me When I Look at You,” “What’s in it 4 Me?” and “Lotta Richez, Lotta Bitchez.” When asked which was his favorite, he simply responded, “They’re all better than the others.”

Only time will tell if Joshenstein can achieve all of his goals. However, one thing is clear. The only thing his Facebook does is make him look like a self-centered loser.

EVANSTON, IL – Fred McMerson and James Schwartz have been “bestest buds” since preschool. They first met at snack time, in which Fred had stolen James’s juice box. Life for the now two teens was all about hanging out with each other and sharing You Tube links (namely “Mad TV John Madden Popcorn Popper,” I suggest you check it out). That friendly lifestyle has since changed. On December 27, James forwarded an e-mail to Fred (mcmersonballa@aol.com) containing a link to a You Tube video titled “Strange Woman.” In the body of the e-mail, James wrote, “dude, you gotta check this out, so funny, you’ll laugh your ass off.” Fred, however, did not find the video to be the least bit funny and cited James as a liar for telling him it would funny.

The reply e-mail was not a pleasant one. Sources say that Fred insulted James on ten and a half occasions and used the phrase “you little bitch” about five times. Shortly after the e-mail was sent, the two ended their fifteen year friendship, first by unfriending each other on Facebook, then by spreading lies about one another on their blogs.

“I just couldn’t take it anymore,” Fred told The Flipside. “His e-mails became more and more stupid. My inbox was full of spam not only from the Willard Listserv, but from the crap James would send me.” When asked who had taught James to be such a little bitch, James denied comment.