THE INTERNET — The Northwestern University Class of 2017 Facebook group saw a three-hundred percent increase in activity this past week when soul-searching accepted student Alyssa Gianonne asked the deep and philosophical question preoccupying every early-decision applicant’s mind: “So what’s everyone, like, MOST excited for next year?” Gianonne commented on her own post thirty seconds later explaining that marching through the historic campus arch, erected in 1993, is something that she predicts will be life changing.

Within minutes, Gianonne’s post received over 340 comments and 287 likes. Accepted student Thomas O’Hara commented, “I’m basically going to live in Norris. I heard it’s super convenient and centrally located, and I just can’t wait to get my mouth on some savory Frontera!”

Another incoming freshman, Robert Grisi, expressed his excitement for “just lying on the Lakefill and relaxing” in the consistently nice weather. “Did you guys hear they even have WiFi? I bet we’ll be able to start doing our homework out by the lake by, like, March! NU’s the coolest!”

The remainder of the comments expressed varying degrees of enthusiasm, and there was a group consensus that it was definitely better they were going here and not one of those “stupid Ivies like Columbia or Yale.” Many also gushed over the school’s proximity to Chicago. “I plan on going in at least once a week, maybe even more. I rode the train all the time in Butte Falls, Oregon, so if anybody needs ‘El’ advice, I’m your girl!” wrote an excited Andrea Park.

Another student, Alex Czirmer, a self-identified “chill bro who’s always looking for a party,” who has also reportedly friend-requested over 95% of the females in the Class of 2017 group, asked about the intricacies of hot cookie bar. “So is this code for an alcohol bar or a bar that serves cookies as well? How exactly do you guys think it works?” inquired Czirmer.

Kerry Stahlin found the thread particularly helpful. “Some of the virtual friends I have made in the group are amazing, and I know we will all hang out once we get to campus!” exclaimed Stahlin. She even proposed that they all paint The Rock the first night, so it can say “Freshmen Rock!” for the entirety of welcome week.

SEATTLE, WA — According to new market research, web contents containing mere references to social networking services generate more traffic and are more likely to go “viral.” Twitter.

Lance, Quarts & Associates, a market research firm based in Redmond, Washington, recently published the findings based on a year-long study which tracked online behaviors of 20,000 randomly chosen internet users. Pinterest. The study finds that webpages that contain references to social networking services increase overall website traffic by 34.2 percent and 52.1 percent among users age 18-49. Skype. The study also concludes that such webpages are 33.2 percent more likely to be forwarded to other people, thereby increasing the likelihood of content going viral. LinkedIn.

“Based on these numbers, one could expect increased efforts by content creators to incorporate as much social networking services to their web-based content,” said John McEvedy, head researcher at Lance, Quarts & Associates. Instagram. “Perhaps The New York Times will fire all of their staff photographers and use pictures found on Flickr instead.” Snapchat.

While researchers believe that social network integration is going to be an increasing trend, major media outlets doubt that viral marketability would be more important than content. Vine. “We will report on stories that matter,” said Brian Earl, Managing Editor of The Flipside. YouTube. “I doubt we would just go on and mention Foursquare, Reddit, Tumblr, Google+, DeviantART, MySpace, Yelp, Xenga, or Friendster for no reason other than the potential for a viral article.”

4chan, imgur, Sina Weibo, Vkontakte, Renren, Taringa!, mixi, XING, Orkut, Netlog, Skyrock, Cloob.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — A local internet start-up, Business Organization, Ideas, Solutions, and Energy, last week launched a marketing campaign that BOISE President and CEO Mark Thompson could only describe as “a complete and utter failure.”

Thompson, whose company strives to provide “strategies, tips, and directions” to improve the efficiency and productivity of businesses worldwide, said his Marketing Intern, Billy Keyman, came up with the idea of giving away a $300 Amazon.com gift certificate as a way to drum up business.

“The idea was simple,” said Thompson. “Anyone who was a fan of our Facebook page would be entered into a drawing to win the gift card. We advertised the contest with fliers and posters. The only problem was that Billy didn’t put the URL of our Facebook page on any of the posters. He didn’t even put on the name of our business. They just said, ‘Win $300!’ with a QR code beneath.”

“Leave it to a supposedly social-media savvy intern to foul things up.”

Indeed, an independent study showed that the only people who attempt to use QR codes are first-time smartphone owners realizing that those little black and white box things they keep seeing everywhere can be scanned by their brand new toy. After fiddling with their phone for a minute or two, these rare, potential-QR-code users invariably say to themselves, “This is stupid” and give up.

Thompson added that the first person to scan the QR code, pictured above, would just be given a $300 gift certificate, no strings attached.

See that QR Code up there? Yeah, that one. For all you know, it leads to a $300 Amazon.com gift card. It probably just leads to our Facebook page, but you never know, right? Go on. Scan it. You never know.

MILWAUKEE, WI — Milwaukee native George Waterson defriended his Facebook friend David Debbleby Monday night. Monday was Debbleby’s birthday.

“I really don’t like David,” said Waterson. “I had actually forgotten we were still Facebook friends, but I guess he was just hidden from my newsfeed.”

The two became Facebook friends in 2007, when both men were in the same group for a high school English project that involved a computer slideshow presentation, a speech, a short written report, and the novel Wuthering Heights. According to Waterson, Debbleby didn’t do any work, coasting along to receive “the easiest C he ever got,” only sending the occasional word of encouragement via Facebook chat: “thx 4 da notecards bro, can you rite my summry of ch 12 too?”

The two men had not spoken since the conclusion of the presentation, but despite this, their Facebook friendship persisted for the next five years, until it crumbled apart Monday night, much like the piñata Waterson imagined Debbleby destroying at a party to which he was not invited.

“It felt good to defriend him,” said Waterson. “I was all like, ‘Dude, what’s this prick still doing on my friends list? I don’t want him lookin’ at my pics!’”

“I think I’ll defriend everyone I don’t like on their birthdays,” added Waterson. “Happy twenty-third, David!”

Debbleby could not be reached for comment, but his sister Debbie said that her brother likely would not notice that he had three fewer friends on Tuesday than he did on Sunday, since, after returning home from Tim Tebow’s Terrific Turkey Toasties, he friended four of the women he met at the bar, passed out, and woke up the next morning with no recollection of how he spent his birthday.

EVANSTON — Lambda Omicron Lambda’s newest sister Maggie Kelter announced Thursday that she is “like totally in love with her new sisters.” After receiving her bid Tuesday night, Maggie fell into a state of hysterical joy and, along with a throng of strangers whose names she would pretend to know, began shrieking over the fact that she was now a sister of LOL. Accompanied by the rest of her new LOL sisters, Maggie marched to LOL’s chapter house to celebrate.

“Me and, uh, what is her name… Kim? Yeah, I think it’s Kim, literally could not stop hugging and screaming about how we always knew we would be sisters. We definitely made a rush connection when our eyes locked over the cucumber water,” explained Maggie.

The new LOL sisters proceeded to take their pledge class picture, flaunting cardboard lambdas and omicrons as they all made candid-super-cute-awkward-fun-pledge faces that showed they were having fun but still being mindful of sorority power rankings.

After returning to her dorm, Maggie promptly updated her Facebook cover photo, profile picture, Twitter picture, Twitter “about me,” and Instagram. “I obvs made my cover photo a picture of my pledge class because we are legit the hottest pledge class ever, no doubt. I seriously love these girls! They get me more than just about any other group I have ever been a part of!” exclaimed Maggie.

She proceeded to friend 18 out of the 25 sisters in her pledge class, the ones she had never spoken to prior to the photo-shoot. Maggie admitted, “It was a little awkward when I friended and tagged the wrong Mackenzie, but I am sure the real Mackenzie will get over it. We are sisters now, and that’s something you cannot break.”

LOL’s new sister proceeded to express her excitement over the upcoming Big-Little Week. “I seriously hope my big is the girl with the weird hairline. I actually love her and she really got to know me during rush. We shared really personal secrets. Oh my god, her name was totally Becca.”

EVANSTON — With annual winter job and internship fairs approaching, many Northwestern students are crossing their fingers in hopes that their “social media skills” will be as highly sought-after as that one article they read on Forbes a month ago reported was a possibility.

“I’m a social media expert,” said Weinberg junior Justin Thomas. “I am proficient in Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Tumblr, and now SnapChat.”

According to a recent career services survey, over the past year many formerly undecided undergrads have made a switch to study “probably marketing or PR or communications.”

“We’re proud to be fostering an environment that prepares students for an online world,” said Beverly Smith, an elderly career counselor, who like many adults still asks her children how to update her status on Facebook and has little grasp of the realities of the Internet or e-business.

LinkedIn has also reported unprecedented increases in the number of its college-age users who have “social media,” “social media marketing,” “social networking,” “social marketing,” or just “social” Skills. This rise is directly correlated to the growing number of Integrated Marketing Communications (IMC) guest lecturers that have visited Northwestern to speak about something with “digital” in the title.

“Look—I know how to use HootSuite,” Thomas said as navigated to the little icon on his iPhone 5, proving he had downloaded the application. “I also know how to make memes. And I’ve heard of Google Analytics.”

“Twitter is an incredibly powerful tool for marketers, because it allows them to establish a brand connection to a global audience on a global scale in the digital space in real time,” Weinberg sophomore Lindsay Gold explained while glancing down at a TechCrunch article on her Droid. Behind her, six Medill professors nodded furiously in agreement.

“So powerful,” they all said in unison.

Gold said she is applying to literally every company she finds on CareerCat that is looking for a “social media” or “social media marketing” intern, regardless of industry, reputation, or location.

“I have lots of good Facebook marketing ideas,” Gold said. “Like an iPad giveaway. Or a competition for getting the most Likes. Or an iPad Mini giveaway.”

FACEBOOK –- Following your decision to watch a Presidential debate and post a Facebook status in support of your preferred candidate, area man William Burton, whom sources indicate you dimly remember from your days in summer camp, has already left three lengthy comments on your original post detailing exactly how and why you are a propaganda-spewing shill for an illegitimate political movement.

Burton began his tirade by telling you how “disappointed” he was to see you supporting a rival politician to his own, as he had “always considered you smarter than that” and was disheartened to see you “falling for such an obvious narrative of lies hook, line, and sinker.”

When you attempted to diffuse the situation with humor, light-heartedly pointing out a recently publicized gaffe made by Burton’s chosen candidate, Burton reportedly flew into a fit of rage, furiously typing that said gaffe was “completely taken out of context,” and was “further proof that [your candidate]’s campaign is run on empty ad hominem attacks meant to disguise a lack of feasible policy.”

Sources state that Burton then linked you to the heavily polarized homepage of a SuperPAC, instructing you to watch a carefully-edited, high-budget “documentary” of disparaging comments made by your candidate, telling you he hoped that this would “finally open your eyes.”

Sensing the opportunity for intelligent political discourse, Dan Gibson, an avid Ron Paul supporter, posted his own carefully crafted treatise on the merits of limited government: RON PAUL 2012!!!!!

As of print time, Gibson has resumed studying for his tenth grade Chemistry test. You are unsure why you added a friend’s little brother to your Facebook social network.

SILICON VALLEY, CA — In a press conference last Monday, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced several new updates to the timeline template, the most noteworthy being a new feature which indicates whether or not the user is an organ donor. “Eighteen people around the world die each day waiting for a heart, liver, or kidney transplant,” said Zuckerberg in a press conference, “and by adding this new feature, I hope to change that. Kind of like Bono and…AIDS, right? Bono does that whole anti-AIDS thing?”

Since no one ever lies on Facebook, Zuckerberg predicts that user profiles will be a 100% universal and reliable tool for surgeons to make organ donor matches as early as next year. Some hospitals, however, have begun to use the feature already, and almost-doctor Mark Thompson of the completely legitimate St. Bernie’s Hospital in Beulah, Mississippi says he made his first patient-donor match earlier this week.

“This drunk fella came in earlier complainin’ a’ stomach-cramps, and I was pretty sure he needed a new liver. All I had to do was a little searchin’ in the Beulah High School network, and I saw that right under ‘Religious Views: Pastafarian’ on Jimmy Creevey’s profile, it said ‘Type A, Organ Donor.’ I asked him if he’d be willin’ to give up some liver on Facebook chat and it was a done deal.”

Almost-Dr. Thompson went on to explain that his patient was relieved to know that not only did the donor have the right blood type, but that he was also “fun guy,” having seen pictures of Creevey doing a beer-bong

from the second story of a barn at Timmy Hatfield’s party last Friday.

Some users, though, have had a less pleasant experience with the donor-request process. Tammy Marquette, a high school student from Columbus, Ohio, was initially a fan of the feature after getting “like omg, over fifty likes!” on her organ donor status update. However, she says she became a little unsettled after receiving friend requests from several older men hoping to evaluate her as a possible kidney-donating candidate for a young relative.

“Normally I would have thought they were creepers, but omg the grandchild thing was so sad! One guy messaged me to say that he really needed me to make my ‘Sweet 16 Pool Party!’ album public so he could complete his evaluation though, which my friends agree is totally sketch.”

Many investors viewed the “organ donor” app as an attempt by Zuckerberg to add value to the Facebook stock before its upcoming IPO. Proponents, meanwhile, applauded Zuckerberg’s efforts to legitimize a website whose current most popular use is the sharing of cat videos.

Critics, however, pointed out that the feature may be “really weird,” and “totally unnecessary,” and many raised concerns about the fact that after 30 days, users who don’t select an organ donor status are automatically made “brain donors.” Hearing this feedback, Zuckerberg became twitchy and blurted out, “no, I’m definitely not trying to make a zombie army to take over the world. That’s definitely not what I’m doing!” before running out of the room.

PALO ALTO, CA – Following a billion-dollar acquisition of popular photo-sharing app Instagram, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has announced a complete overhaul of Facebook’s user interface featuring Instagram’s characteristic “vintage” filters. The new interface will be launched without any warning to users within the next week.

“This may be the biggest re-design we’ve ever done,” Zuckerberg declared from Facebook’s Palo Alto headquarters. “Expect some major Instagram integration in the coming days. Like pictures of lakes at sunset? There’s gonna be a metric fuck-ton of those.” Other highlights include an anticipated glut of black-and-white cat photos, baby photos, and half-assed “studios” put together by that kid you knew in middle school who’s now begging you to like his “beats.”

Facebook also unveiled a new suite of tools aimed at the less tech-minded. Users inexperienced with Instagram will be able to easily customize their profile pictures with preset options “Emo,” “Swagggg,” or “Smug Douche Who Wants You to Know He Has an iPhone.”

“These new tools allow users to ‘bare their souls’ through photos staged and edited to within an inch of their lives,” Zuckerberg claimed. “Widespread Instagram uptake will ensure that the next time your friend stops for a picture of a scenic bridge, you throw either his smartphone or him over the railing rather than indulge the narcissistic tendencies of a self-professed ‘photographer’ who’s never made it all the way through a proper photo gallery.”

Instagram’s acquisition has so far been welcomed by the online community, except for the 40 million current Instagram members who will never again use the service now that their favorite “indie” app (that requires an Apple- or Google-branded smartphone) is associated with a major corporation.

Legal Disclaimer: By reading this or any other news report mentioning the Instagram buy-out, you hereby allow Facebook to smother your photos with so much contrast and sepia that they look like shitty ads for Levi’s jeans.

EVANSTON – The slew of Facebook posts, video homages, and other means of gratuitous whimpers regarding the recent revoking of the liquor license of beloved local bar ‘The Keg of Evanston’ has slowly wound down, much to to the dismay of patrons of the bar. Collectively, the complaints about Mayor Tisdahl’s decision to revoke The Keg’s liquor license, which have lasted nearly 3 months, have become an event in and of themselves that has overshadowed the actual closing of the bar. An anonymous Northwestern student remarked on this phenomenon, “Yeah, the Keg was a good time, but I never got the opportunity to just bitch my heart out before the Keg closed. I’m going to miss being able to whine constantly without being judged.”

Other students share similar sentiments. A petition has been drafted, addressed to the City of Evanston, in an attempt to impede — but not stop — the inevitable closure of TKOE. The petition contains a clause that stipulates, ‘If this petition is to succeed in fully restoring TKOE to its former status, the support for this petition will be rescinded, effectively negating any positive effect on the bar.’ Says the lead writer of the petition, “We just want to buy The Keg some time so we can continue to complain about its unfair demise.’ It seems that the student body has joined unanimously in protesting the end of protesting the end of the Keg.

No one has been more vocal about the Mayor’s decision than Northwestern freshman Tanya Baker. She claims she was the 2,500th person to update her Facebok status with a diatribe against the Mayor, which was, in her eyes, a “courageous and effective form of protest”, despite her admission that she has never actually visited The Keg.  She noted that, lately, her Facebook rants “don’t get likes anymore”. Seemingly furious at the implication that complaining about The Keg’s downfall has gone out of style, Tanya has redirected her rants towards fellow students; “R.I.P. supporters of TKOE” was her most recent status.

Tanya’s friend Sarah, on her attempt to coax Tanya into moving on, said, “Tanya won’t stop because she’s anxious that her friends from home won’t believe that she actually went out to bars during college if she stops complaining about the death of the 9th-best college bar in the U.S.”

A 60-year-old man who frequented the bar, who requested his name go unmentioned, is also worried, but for entirely different reasons. “I’m that guy who used to sit in the corner and glare over the top of my mug o’ beer at them college students dancin’ all around,” admitted the regular. He has become aware of the decreasing amount of angst, and it makes him think that those college students don’t “feel the same way about [him] as [he] does about them.”

Mayor Tisdahl has also expressed dismay at the reaction to her decision. “It’s not that I thought it wouldn’t be controversial”, says Tisdahl, “I just hoped it would create a backlash that would last much longer. I’m not going to get this much attention again until my funeral.”

One cannot help but sympathize with the mayor, as well as the members of the Evanston community who once were able to complain loudly and incessantly about the closing of The Keg, only to have the one-of-a-kind experience slip through their fingers. They’ll be forced to go back to grumbling about their Physics midterm or the seasonably cold weather.