EVANSTON – The Group for Training Freshmen in Observance, or GTFO, released a statement Monday demanding that all freshmen be forced to take a midterm exam grading them on their life skills.

This exam will test students in 3 major categories of living, including not annoying the shit out of people, not looking like a dumbass, and personal hygiene.

Questions under the first category will cover topics such as having a public break-up in the 3rd floor lounge, saving seats for 14 people in Intro to Fiction, and Skyping your long-distance boyfriend of 3 months for 5 hours every night.

Sample questions from the other two categories may look like this:

If you live in a single and you leave the room, fully intending to close the door behind you, what is ONE thing you should bring?

People enjoy stepping in your nasty hairballs that are tangled up in the shower drain. T / F

This exam is meant to make freshmen realize that they are not exempt from basic rules of living that nearly everyone else acknowledges.

“We know that it can be difficult to live on your own for the first time, but really. It’s not that hard to make Easy Mac without setting off the fire alarm at 2 in the morning,” says Mary Lawrence, director of GTFO.

The exam will not be graded on a curve, due to the fact that any functioning human being should be able to score perfectly.

Apple-Brand Livers Built to Fail After Two Years

EVANSTON—Weinberg freshman Joe Krawson disappointed his high school graduating class on Monday when he received a failing grade on his macro-economics midterm exam, earning only 23 points out of a possible 50. Only 6 months prior, the 382 seniors of Krawson’s Washburn High School in San Diego, California had voted him the male student “most likely to succeed.”

In his position as senior class president at Washburn, Krawson was well-liked for reducing detentions by 40% and for planning “the best prom on a boat Washburn’s ever had,” according to yearbook committee chair Kari Aleckstaf. Along with his accomplishments in student government, she gives credit for the win to his career drive and strong resume. “He interned at an investor bank or whatever last summer. I think his dad’s on the board. They have really nice alcohol at their house.”

On campus at Northwestern, Krawson has continued a tradition of public service, despite faltering academically. “His ‘Chill for the Children’ smoke-in benefit event last week raised nearly $200 for charity, and he’s been very successful as our vice-treasurer-at-arms” said fellow Pi Kappa Alpha member Kyle Carter. “He’s definitely going places.” Other brothers expressed their agreement, saying “That dude’s awesome,” and “Have you seen his Beamer? It’s sick!”

Krawson himself declined a full interview with The Flipside. When asked about the situation, his only comment was “Westside, bitches,” with an accompanying hand gesture.

As for the failing mark on the midterm, it appears that Krawson will be appealing for a regrade. “He sent me an email last night expressing his dissatisfaction,” said Teaching Assistant Kelly Wu. “I think he might have been trying to offer sexual favors for a better grade, but there were a lot of misspellings and the whole thing was generally pretty jumbled, so I’m not sure.”