EVANSTON—In a move baffling fellow participants in his fantasy football league, Northwestern student James Johnson chose a level 37 half elf half orc as his first pick of the draft. Johnson, a newcomer to the world of fantasy football, thought he would give it a shot after having reached Level 70 on World of Warcraft on three separate occasions. “I was just bored of killing centaurs, leveling up, and constantly pwning n00bs”, he said. “I need a new realm to conquer.”

When the pick was announced, it sent shockwaves throughout the fantasy league. In fact, his fellow competitor was so stunned he stood shocked and silent for a full three seconds before selecting Adrian Peterson. When asked why he didn’t select Peterson, Johnson responded, “Although Peterson’s play at times has seemed supernatural, he is still human, and my elf/orc is impervious to the blitzing charm that the Packers will obviously throw at him.” He chose not to pick Brett Favre because his gray beard “makes him look like a dwarf. Dwarves are clearly at a competitive disadvantage in the football world.”

While his methods may seem bizarre and his reasoning a little outside of the ordinary, Johnson was able to steal Bengals receiver Chad Ochocinco in the late rounds. “He may not know Spanish, but I know a level 85 player when I see one.”

Other competitors were unavailable for comment because they were busy living their real world lives like normal people. Johnson, on the other hand, was hard at work preparing for the fantasy basketball season by selecting the entire Washington Wizards and Orlando Magic rosters.

CHICAGO—Jack Randall, the owner of the fantasy football team named “You PLAY to WIN the Game,” dropped Minnesota Vikings RB Adrian Peterson following his nine-point performance against the 49ers last Sunday. Although Peterson leads all running backs in fantasy scoring this season, Randall said the decision was obvious given Peterson’s “unacceptable” performance on Sunday. However, according to Randall, the statistical performance was only half the reason he dropped him.

“Yeah I was extremely disappointed by Adrian’s 85 yards rushing with no touchdowns on Sunday, but what angered me the most was his demeanor on the sideline following the game,” stated Randall, “I saw him jump up and down in apparent happiness when his team won on Favre’s touchdown pass with 2 seconds left.”
“He showed me right then that he doesn’t care at all about my team. He only cares about winning the Super Bowl,” said Randall while putting air quotes around “Super Bowl.”

“I want players on my team who are dedicated purely to helping ‘You PLAY to WIN the Game,’ I don’t need any selfish teammates.” Following the dismissal of Peterson, Randall quickly picked up former Shippensburg University running back John Kuhn.

“When I saw Kuhn was still a free agent,” says Randall, “I knew this was an opportunity I couldn’t pass up. He had four more points than Adrian Peterson last week. I didn’t even think twice.”

Kuhn, who ranks 5th on his team in rushing yards, earned thirteen points last week thanks to a TD reception and a one yard touchdown run that brought his rushing total this season to one yard. Randall says that he doesn’t care that Peterson is leading the NFL in rushing this season, saying that he “live[s] in the present.”
“All I care about is winning right now,” snapped Randall. “Everybody knows that 13 points is greater than 9 points. Maybe if that kid [referring to Peterson] would score a touchdown every now and then, I wouldn’t have to drop him.”

Randall admits that he doesn’t really know that much about Kuhn, saying, “I’m not really sure who he plays for, I think it’s either the Rams, or the Packers, or maybe the Jets? All I care about is those 13 points he racked up last week.”

He continued by saying, “I wonder how you pronounce that last name.”

As for Peterson, he says that while he enjoyed his time on “You PLAY to WIN the Game,” he is looking forward to getting to play on a winning team.