EVANSTON – Northwestern students are eagerly anticipating the annual Money, Food and Clothes Weekend, which will take place this year from November 11-13.

The money, food and clothes will be flying and driving from all around the country, some even traveling overseas to reach campus.  The money, food and clothes will accompany students to this weekend’s home football game against Rice; a few commodities will sit in on Friday afternoon lectures.  These valuables will also ask their students if they have been wearing their winter coats and if they have been eating well.  Some may take it a step further and clean up dorm rooms, even asking to meet with a professor or a dean.

The money, food and clothes will be invading local hotels over the next few days, and will undoubtedly introduce themselves to other students’ money, food and clothes.

“It’s gonna be a great weekend,” said Weinberg freshman Clarence MacMillan.  ”I’m definitely stoked for the food; a nice meal in town beats eating at Plex again.”

Not everyone is in good spirits, though. Sentiments like “I specifically went to college to get away from them!” and  ”Yeah, I miss my money, food and clothes, but can’t I just see them over winter break?!” have been overheard around the university.  

As Medill sophomore Erica Meyers put it, “I’m poor, I’m hungry, and I’m cold, but that doesn’t mean I want to hear another story about what Greek life was like thirty years ago.”

Still, the general consensus around Northwestern is that Money, Food and Clothes Weekend will be welcomed with open arms.  University President Morty Schapiro may have summed it up best when he noted that, “Sure, they can be annoying sometimes, but the bottom line is, it will be nice to see them. You love your money, food and clothes!”

EVANSTON – With Valentine’s Day quickly approaching, NU couples have been struggling to accommodate romance in an atmosphere known for hectic schedules and awkward underclassmen. Some couples are planning to mark the occasion with dinner and a movie, but most have resigned themselves to spending the most romantic night of the year writing essays on Keynesian economics. Regardless, I spoke to four NU undergrads to find out how they plan to make Valentine’s Day completely unbearable for their partner.

Jimmy Doyle (WCAS ’12) announced that he “really [didn’t] have time to celebrate a pointless, phony Hallmark-holiday” with long-term girlfriend Anne Russo (SoC ’12), but that she was “totally cool with it.” Reports indicate that Doyle will spend the evening watching reruns of The Daily Show on Hulu, while Russo intends to spend the evening with Doyle’s best friend.

Sophomore Joel Barish (Bienen ’13), a self-proclaimed “hopeless romantic,” has been obsessively fretting over the holiday for the past month, ensuring that every minor detail is accounted for:

“I found a schmaltzy French romance for us to watch in my room,” Joel exclaimed with a sigh of relief. “It’s called The French Connection. My roommate doesn’t have a girlfriend, so I told him to stay someplace else for the night – people without dates should really be considerate of others’ plans, especially on Valentine’s Day.”

Following the undeniable passion that Barish believes will stem from watching a movie on a 10-inch laptop screen (sitting in separate chairs), the sophomore intends to take his valentine out for the finest banquet NU Cuisine has to offer.

Finally, the evening will be concluded with a romantic stroll around Lake Michigan (temperatures for the 14^th are forecast around 7^oF) before promptly returning his girlfriend to her dorm at 10 PM sharp.

As of press time, Barish is still trying to pick out a convenience store card that exactly expresses his true feelings.

Freshman Patrick Moore (Medill ’14) has been courting dorm-mate Jessica Friedkin (WCAS ’14) for the past six days, and intends to use the holiday to “sweep [Jessica] off her feet.” Despite Valentine’s Day being the couple’s second date, Moore has already made a reservation at Evanston’s finest Italian bistro, where he intends to surprise Friedkin with an expensive necklace purchased after consulting both his and Friedkin’s mothers.

“Jessie said that she doesn’t see us working as a couple,” Moore stated while fidgeting nervously, “so I’m gonna have to try extra hard to win her over! I already got fitted for a tux, and I may even tell her I love her!”

A final student, Eddie Farber (SESP ’13), came forward with a highly controversial plan for the evening:

“I’m going to give her a box of chocolates and tell her how special she is to me. Does it really need to be any more fucking complicated than that?”

EVANSTON—Today, Evanston Whole Foods manager Mickey McGonnell announced that Whole Foods will cease operations effective immediately and will begin the transition towards becoming a retirement home. The move was made after a 3-month analysis of Evanston Whole Foods customers concluded that 90% are over the age of 65.

“I mean come on, look around” McGonnell said. “This store has more canes and walkers per capita than anywhere outside of Florida. And that old-people smell was starting to contaminate our products”. According to the general manager, Whole Foods tried to attract new customers with special deals and promotions but has found little success.

“Well, yeah, we tried deals, but we’re still Whole Foods. We have to maintain our sterling reputation we have built over the years,” the GM told The Flipside. “If we didn’t charge obscene prices for the same types of products you could get at Jewel, then we would no longer be the highest quality grocery store in the land! And those organic labels are actually quite expensive. Wait, what was the question?”

The Flipside then asked again about the failed special deals. “We did try to offer 10% off for college students because I think there is a university pretty close to our store, but our computers crashed when we tried to enter in the reduced prices. I don’t think they can handle discounts. So then we offered a special microwaved pizza slice for $7.50 only for college students. Surprisingly, the offer did not gain a lot of popularity.”

As a result of these failures to diversify their clientele, Whole Foods will begin the transition to a senior home soon. Since many of the elderly customers visit the store multiple times per day, 17-year-old cashier Veronica Billows doesn’t believe the change will be too difficult. “I already know many of the customers very well by now. They’re my grannies and grampies. Now they can just live here instead of having to travel back and forth between the store and their homes. We already have everything they will need here: Back to Nature wafers for breakfast, organic goat cheese for lunch, and some organic salmon with antioxidant shea butter for dinner! Plus, we can give them Celestial Seasonings’ Sleepytime Vanilla Tea before they go to sleep. It will be great.”

Whole Foods Evanston will be rebranded Wholesome Lifeways and has already announced its fees for residents: a $5 hourly living rate and $10 per meal. Each senior will be given one free Gojilania Goji and Mangosteen Juice Blend per day.

SAN BERNARDINO, CA—The death of Glen W. Bell Jr., founder of Taco Bell, has shocked the fast food nation. Despite his healthy lifestyle, Bell died at the young age of eighty-six. Though no details were released regarding the circumstances surrounding his death, TMZ has received reports that he suffered internal burns from a Volcano Taco.

To commemorate Bell’s contributions to society, Tricon Global has developed a special burrito for limited release at select Taco Bells in accordance with his last will and testament. The eighty-six cent burrito will contain sour milk (dubbed “Sour Cream*” by the company), “lettuce,” a gordita, American cheese, salmonella, and pieces of the founder, Glen Bell.

“We are excited,” stated Tricon CEO, Tomas Billingsberg. “This is some of the best meat we have served in years.” The special burritos are being advertised under a slogan that reads: “Why eat a dog who did nothing for society, when you can eat the man who brought you Taco Bell?” Market researchers have already declared that the product tests incredibly well with the company’s focus groups, especially drunk college kids, stoners, and high-schoolers bored out of their minds.

Talk has circulated that his blood will go to flavor special edition Frutista freezes, but Billingsberg would neither confirm nor deny the validity of the speculation.

LITTLE ROCK, AR—A month after his wife landed a position as a volunteer at the local Salvation Army, Bud Bixby worries that she is not spending enough time in the kitchen.

“I don’t know,” said Bixby, staring blankly around his empty kitchen. “There used to be so much food. Now, there’s just leftovers all the time. It’s almost as if Louanne doesn’t care anymore.”

Bixby has been married to his wife, Louanne, for 16 years, and this is the first year she has ever participated in an activity outside of the house.

“I just don’t know where her priorities lie anymore,” said Bixby. “This isn’t the woman I married.”

Louanne Bixby said she is happy working as a volunteer.

“It’s not like I don’t cook anymore. I made a damn meatloaf last week,” she said, folding a stained pair of pants and placing them gently on a rack. “Bud’s just gonna have to learn how to cook for himself.”

The boxes and boxes of Easy Mac and Pop Tarts strewn around the Bixbys’ front lawn are now causing concern around the neighborhood. Despite weekly trash pick-ups, the amount of discarded packaging from ready-made foods is unrelenting.

“God, the appetite of that man is incredible!” said Johnna Applebee, a concerned neighbor. “No wonder Louanne had to get away! Cooking for that behemoth was probably a full-time job!”

“I just get hungry,” said Bud Bixby, sitting on his couch, half-way through a box of pizza delivered 15 minutes earlier. “I thought Louanne understood that. Now, when I look into the kitchen, I don’t see love. I just see, well, mostly ants and stuff right now.”

When asked what he had done to remedy the lack of prepared food at his house, Bixby became confused.

“What? I don’t… OK, heres the thing: my wife is the food-cooker in the Bixby household. That’s the way it’s always been. I know my wife loves me when I see a steaming pot of chili waiting for me when I get back from the bar. But now that she’s doin’ God-knows-what down there at that army place, I just can’t be sure anymore if she feels the same way.”

“I hated being in that kitchen,” said Louanne Bixby. “Every time I made that bastard chili, I’d spit in it. I had so much anger built up. But now that I can leave that god-forsaken house, I finally feel like I’m doing something with my life.”

“I just don’t know what Louanne could possibly be doing with her life if she’s not in that kitchen,” said Bud Bixby. “I guess there are just some things I’ll never understand.”

Currently, Bixby is surviving off of Ramen Noodles and Asian take-out, and is still waiting for Louanne to “come to her senses” and “get back where she belongs.”