“Willpower” rating created specifically for Denver QB Tim Tebow

MAITLAND, FLORIDA – EA Tiburon, the makers of the popular Madden NFL series, today announced a brand new attribute for Madden NFL ‘11 named “Willpower.”

“We really felt that Tim Tebow transcends the game of football and that he deserved his own category,” said lead designer Ian Cummings. “Tebow’s skill set doesn’t fit into traditional categories like arm strength, accuracy and field awareness. He brings another facet to the game that’s never been seen before.”

Despite possessing mediocre ratings in throwing power and accuracy, important abilities for a QB, his Willpower rating of 100 will make him the best quarterback in the game.

NFL Network Draft Expert Mike Mayock praised the new category, saying that “off-the-chart intangibles” could now be defined for the first time in history.

“Tebow brings more than a love of Phillippians 2:34 and a healthy appreciation for abstinence to the table,” said Mayock. “He’s a proven winner. Florida’s incredible stock of talent was only able to win games due to [Tebow's] sheer force of will.”

Tim Tebow issued a statement praising the creation of the new category, saying that “only with my 100 Willpower rating was I able to dodge that abortion.”

However, some NFL athletes are upset by the new rating system. Oakland Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell created a Facebook group called “Winning Ain’t Everything, Celebrate Mediocrity — presented by Skittles. Taste the Rainbow.” Joining Russell is a long list of underachieving NFL players, such as Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler and Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Roy Williams.

“What the fuck does ‘Willpower’ even mean?” said Jay Cutler, who has a Willpower rating of 1. “I have diabetes. Trying is hard!”

EA Tiburon demonstrated the Willpower rating by simulating a game between the Denver Broncos with Tim Tebow at the helm facing off against the Detroit Lions. Despite being the highest ranked QB in the game, Tebow went 11 for 35 with 128 yards and 1 interception. The Lions won 17-6.

When asked if the Madden team was happy about the demonstration, Ian Cummings responded enthusiastically.

“You could really tell Tebow was giving it his full effort out there.”

EVANSTON – A team wearing blue uniforms and a team wearing gold uniforms played a football game last Sunday, according to SESP senior Cailey Rapp. “There was a bunch of running involved,” explained Rapp, whose boyfriend Ezra Dowd is a diehard gold team fan.

“At one point, all the men in the room started yelling,” explained Rapp, “but I didn’t see what happened because I was busy texting my girls.” The dedicated girlfriend explained that her favorite part of the experience was, “the food.” Her favorite part of the game itself was reportedly “that commercial where the baby talks about stock options. He’s so cute!”

Rapp explained that she was rooting for the gold team because they had several players who were “super hot.” This statement worried Dowd, a Weinberg senior, who lamented, “I shouldn’t have sat through Sex and the City with her. Apparently, her idea of being ‘even’ involves her sitting on my couch commenting on how chiseled Drew Brees’ abs are. You didn’t see me do that when we watched that stupid movie. I waited until I was alone to masturbate furiously.”

Rapp said she was happy to see a cameo from “that guy who’s famous for the DoubleStuf Oreo commercials” and commented that she was glad to see him venturing outside of his comfort zone.

TAMPA – Northwestern Wildcat fans everywhere were given bad news today as they learned that the 8-4 football team has backed out of the Outback Bowl. The decision was made following Coach Pat Fitzgerald’s call to sit 3 running backs out of the game. “With all our backs out, we have no choice but to back out of the Outback bowl,” Fitzgerald said in a New Year’s Day press release.

One NU running back was ruled out after he got lost inside the parking garage behind Northwestern’s Tampa hotel. A second accidentally traveled to Australia, taking the bowl’s name a little too literally. A third ruptured a disk during practice the day before the game. “We have a sticky running back situation,” said Fitzgerald, “one back is out back, another back is out in the Outback, and a third back threw out his back the day before the Outback.”

Fitzgerald explained that although going to Tampa for nothing was hard on his team, there is still hope. “We went out to the Outback and back, but don’t count us out. We’ll be back.” He then dismissed the reporters to attend the postseason barbecue by saying, “As for questions, when you’re out, there’s baby back out back. Don’t hold back, pig out!”

Northwestern hopes that if they cannot return to the Outback Bowl, that they will at least make the Insight bowl in Phoenix. “The Insight is in sight,” said Fitzgerald, “but only if we incite sightings of great play.”

Evanston – In a move baffling fellow participants in his fantasy football league, Northwestern student James Johnson chose a level 37 half elf half orc as his first pick of the draft. Johnson, a newcomer to the world of fantasy football, thought he would give it a shot after having reached Level 70 on World of Warcraft on three separate occasions. “I was just bored of killing centaurs, leveling up, and constantly pwning n00bs”, he said. “I need a new realm to conquer.”

When the pick was announced, it sent shockwaves throughout the fantasy league. In fact, his fellow competitor was so stunned he stood shocked and silent for a full three seconds before selecting Adrian Peterson. When asked why he didn’t select Peterson, Johnson responded, “Although Peterson’s play at times has seemed supernatural, he is still human, and my elf/orc is impervious to the blitzing charm that the Packers will obviously throw at him.” He chose not to pick Brett Favre because his gray beard “makes him look like a dwarf. Dwarves are clearly at a competitive disadvantage in the football world.”

While his methods may seem bizarre and his reasoning a little outside of the ordinary, Johnson was able to steal Bengals receiver Chad Ochocinco in the late rounds. “He may not know Spanish, but I know a level 85 player when I see one.”

Other competitors were unavailable for comment because they were busy living their real world lives like normal people. Johnson, on the other hand, was hard at work preparing for the fantasy basketball season by selecting the entire Washington Wizards and Orlando Magic rosters.

EVANSTON – In what marks the end of a long and prosperous era, Willie the Wildcat was put down this weekend after being diagnosed with the H1N1 virus.

Morton Schapiro, the new President of Northwestern University, presided over the funeral. He commented on the ordeal, saying, “It was tough for all of us. At first, he wouldn’t even come outside, but then we stood a cardboard cutout of a human next to the entrance of the WildCave and told Willie the young fan wanted a high five. Naturally, he rushed outside to greet his new friend. It was then that the thunderous sound of gunshots echoed through the chilled Evanston air. In the end, I think we’re all just very relieved to have kept this terrible disease contained for now.”

Shock and disbelief still reign on campus. Said freshman Alex Landsman when asked for his thoughts, “Death?! I didn’t hear that. I was just told he was working at a special circus up north with other mascots preparing a big show! No… Willie can’t be dead!”

In Willie’s honor, the first 300 fans at the next home football game will receive a free Chipotle burrito. The President’s office has yet to comment on a replacement mascot, but some sources say a one eyed, one horned, flying purple people eater could fill Willie’s post as an interim mascot.

CHICAGO – Jack Randall, the owner of the fantasy football team named “You PLAY to WIN the Game,” dropped Minnesota Vikings RB Adrian Peterson following his nine-point performance against the 49ers last Sunday. Although Peterson leads all running backs in fantasy scoring this season, Randall said the decision was obvious given Peterson’s “unacceptable” performance on Sunday. However, according to Randall, the statistical performance was only half the reason he dropped him.

“Yeah I was extremely disappointed by Adrian’s 85 yards rushing with no touchdowns on Sunday, but what angered me the most was his demeanor on the sideline following the game,” stated Randall, “I saw him jump up and down in apparent happiness when his team won on Favre’s touchdown pass with 2 seconds left.”
“He showed me right then that he doesn’t care at all about my team. He only cares about winning the Super Bowl,” said Randall while putting air quotes around “Super Bowl.”

“I want players on my team who are dedicated purely to helping ‘You PLAY to WIN the Game,’ I don’t need any selfish teammates.” Following the dismissal of Peterson, Randall quickly picked up former Shippensburg University running back John Kuhn.

“When I saw Kuhn was still a free agent,” says Randall, “I knew this was an opportunity I couldn’t pass up. He had four more points than Adrian Peterson last week. I didn’t even think twice.”

Kuhn, who ranks 5th on his team in rushing yards, earned thirteen points last week thanks to a TD reception and a one yard touchdown run that brought his rushing total this season to one yard. Randall says that he doesn’t care that Peterson is leading the NFL in rushing this season, saying that he “live[s] in the present.”
“All I care about is winning right now,” snapped Randall. “Everybody knows that 13 points is greater than 9 points. Maybe if that kid [referring to Peterson] would score a touchdown every now and then, I wouldn’t have to drop him.”

Randall admits that he doesn’t really know that much about Kuhn, saying, “I’m not really sure who he plays for, I think it’s either the Rams, or the Packers, or maybe the Jets? All I care about is those 13 points he racked up last week.”

He continued by saying, “I wonder how you pronounce that last name.”

As for Peterson, he says that while he enjoyed his time on “You PLAY to WIN the Game,” he is looking forward to getting to play on a winning team.