By Alexander Timothy Rawlings III, the British exchange student living on the seventh floor of Plex

I can’t believe this. I bloody can’t. A bloke who’s been the head coach of one of the most famous football (yes, real football, not that sodding joke of a sport that’s ripping off rugby) clubs in the world for TWENTY-SIX YEARS resigns and NOBODY in this country bloody notices? I mean, I’m pretty tolerant, so I understand that you yanks pay more attention to your baseball and other crap boring long games, but how can it happen that a LEGEND like Sir Alex Ferguson retires and I can’t see a bleeding line of text about it on the news?

He led them to NOT ONE, BUT TWO Champions League titles and THIRTEEN victories in the Premiership? Oh, right, you wankers don’t even know what the Premiership is, I bet you nitwits probably think it has something to do with our prime minister and sailing. Oh Lord. This lad was like a FATHER to legends like Cantona, Giggs, Schmeichel, and Beckham. Yeah, Beckham used to play pretty good football before he went Los Angeles to do knickers adverts for a living. I mean come on, there is a massive statue of Ferguson standing outside the home of Manchester United. Oh, and did I mention he was knighted by the queen?

But you lot just don’t seem to get it. You care about the Red Wings, but not the Red Devils. You care about your Wrigley Field, but not Old Trafford. I could go on, you care about – WHAT?! PAUL SCHOLES IS RETIRING AS WELL? Wow, this is huge, let’s see the coverage on the telly…

SERIOUSLY? NOT A MENTION? YOU HAVE GOT TO BE BLOODY KIDDING ME!!!

DISCLAIMER: The Flipside doesn’t even know Alexander Timothy Rawlings III is. He must have hacked our WordPress. Who is Sir Alex Ferguson?

CHICAGO — Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler stunned the seventy people who follow the NFL in the off-season when he announced his retirement at a surprise press conference.

“It’s time for me to move on,” said the disgruntled quarterback. “I’m tired of getting sacked by Clay Matthews and Ndamukong Suh. I’m tired of throwing interceptions. I’m tired of having my toughness questioned, of being called weak.”

Cutler said he plans to pursue his other dream job. “Being a starting NFL quarterback is really only half of every little boy’s dream. I need to stay true to myself—I need to become an investment banker,” said Cutler.

Cutler explained that the appeal of investment banking lies in the money, the opportunities for advancement, and the hot chicks. “Plus, I really think a career in the financial world will help me make the world a better place.”

Cutler believes that the decision to leave the NFL for a classy desk job will silence his critics, proving once and for all he has the manliness to make tough decisions and the strength to pursue his dreams.

The Chicago Bears, meanwhile, are scrambling to find a new starting quarterback, lacking confidence in recently signed backup Matt Blanchard. Head Coach Marc Trestman has suggested several candidates who will prove to be better than either Blanchard or Cutler could ever be, including bringing Vinny Testaverde out of retirement, attempting to sign free agent Seneca Wallace, or hiring the first guy they find walking outside Soldier Field when training camp starts.

NEW ORLEANS, LA — Super Bowl XLVII ended in terror when Ray Lewis transformed into a weird robot thing with laser-vision-death-Rays and wreaked havoc among the San Francisco 49ers.

In the middle of the third quarter, with the Ravens down 34-7, Lewis stood up before the snap on a third-and-long, roared loudly, and revealed his true identity, Maximus Ray. According to eye-witness reports, Lewis’s helmet melded with his body, his brace for his torn triceps turned into a laser-gun, and the middle linebacker increased to twenty times his normal size.

The one-hundred-twenty-foot behemoth then proceeded to squash the 49ers’ offense with his massive feet before picking up 49ers head coach Jim Harbaugh and biting off his head. “No, Maximus Ray, no!” yelled Ravens head coach, and Jim’s brother, John Harbaugh. “You promised me!”

However, Maximus Ray failed to notice that the ball had been snapped to 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick prior to the start of his death-stomp. Fleeing Ray’s rampage, Kaepernick sprinted for his life toward the Ravens endzone—eluding the entire Ravens defense in addition to Maximus Ray—and scored his third rushing touchdown of the day.

Maximus Ray then shot lasers out of his eyes toward Kaepernick, but the second-year quarterback took cover in the 49ers’ locker room and, taking a knee, prayed, “Please save me, Tim Tebow.”

Turning his fury toward the 49ers’ sideline, Maximus Ray used his superhuman strength and speed to slaughter the burly, padded football players like a herd of sheep surrounded by machine gunners in World-War-I-style trench warfare.

With the remaining 49ers all dead, Lewis did his famous pre-game dance and untransformed back into his human state. Lewis explained in the post-game press conference, “People have been saying I’m slower and weaker this year, that I don’t inspire the same feeling of terror in the offensive line. And they’re right. So, and I’m ashamed to admit it, I used a banned substance to become Maximus Ray.”

Coach John Harbaugh told reporters that the banned substance in question was deer-antler spray.

Ravens head coach John Harbaugh added that he was disappointed that the efforts of Maximus Ray were not able to turn Super Bowl XLVII in the team’s favor; the Ravens lost to the 49ers 40-7. Harbaugh blamed the Decepticons in a comment that made exactly as much sense as a Michael Bay plot line.

SOUTH BEND, IN — It looks like Moses, Jesus, and Muhammad have some explaining to do. God does not exist, and an investigation launched by Notre Dame University on December 26th confirms the news. The investigation was initiated after there was no Christmas miracle and Manti Te’o failed to win the Heisman. All doubt was removed after the heathens from Alabama routed Notre Dame 42-10 in the BCS National Championship.

According to coach Brian Kelly, “Nobody is watching over us, not God, and not Touchdown Jesus. All of those possessions that he used to turn into touchdowns are now just punts and turnovers.”

The investigative team conducted interviews with prominent figures who have been previously associated with this so called “God.” Their stories fill up some of the holes in the Holy Book. The testimony of Job is especially illuminating. After having lived a righteous life, he was suddenly struck by calamity for no reason. Job argues, “If there were a God, there is no way I could have lost my house and my livestock.” Investigators found that his misfortune was not the work of God, but rather of George Michael Bluth in an effort to gain control of the family banana stand.

In order to determine all of the parties responsible for perpetuating this myth, Notre Dame officials have started to look inward to make sure all of their bases and domes are covered. A possible suspect is Knute Rockne, a former head coach who has made up stories about a sick son and about a hospital ridden football player called the Gipper. Another possibility is that Rudy Rudeger invented God to convince the team to let him on to the field for that one snap at the end of that one movie, I forget what it was called. A third suspect is former head coach and current ESPN analyst Lou Holtz. An audio analysis found shocking similarities between Holtz’s voice and the voice people imagine to belong to God.

Athletic director Jack Swarbrick summed up his feelings on the investigation, “Despite the fact that I am in charge of the football team, you should totally trust me when I say that the football team is in no way culpable for this. For you to even suggest that Knute, Rudy, or Lou would do such a thing saddens me. It saddens me in a way that gross negligence and rape accusations never could. How dare you question the mystique that is Notre Dame and the infallibility bestowed on us by the Pope!”

Reports that God faked his death and has reappeared in the form of a flying spaghetti monster in order to evade drug dealers are as of press time, unsubstantiated.

CHICAGO — A recent change in head coach is the Chicago Bears’ latest step in their journey to become NFL Draft Champions for the fourth consecutive year. Instead of hiring a proven and successful NFL coach like Joe Gibbs or even an extremely successful college football coach like Nick Saban, the Bears decided to change things up by going for a coach from the Mexico of the North, Marc Trestman, head coach of the Montreal Alouettes.

When he was introduced to the team and the public, Trestman approached the position with unbridled enthusiasm. He blatantly lied to the public, however, when he said he was “excited to work with Jay Cutler.” When the Bears front office was asked about this coaching selection, staffers said, “Let’s be real, our defense is aging worse than Val Kilmer and the offensive line might as well be non-existent, so we thought we might as well cut costs where we can since this coach is taking his entire salary in the Canadian national currency of Monopoly money.”

Packers and Vikings fans rejoiced at this announcement, saying they were ecstatic that the division got even easier. “Usually we have to wait for the Bears to start off well and then self-destruct later in the season but they just really cut to the chase here,” said John Melbourne of Appleton, Wisconsin.

Drunk Chicagoans were asked about the new hire and simply said, “Goddamn it, at least Rose is coming back soon.” Other new coaches who were considered included Benny the Bull, Michelle Obama, and the re-hiring of Lovie Smith with a card that says “Baby, I was wrong.”

PARK RIDGE, IL — Over the past several weeks, the Big Ten conference conducted talks with perennial bottom dwellers Rutgers University and the University of Maryland about adding them to the conference and making a 14-team league. This week, negotiations have concluded, and both Maryland and Rutgers will be joining the conference by 2014.

“Big Ten football teams did a great job of fucking up this year by losing to almost every non-conference opponent we played, but it’s not enough,” said Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany. “Ohio State will be able to go to a bowl game next year, Michigan and Northwestern are on the rise, and we really want Rutgers and Maryland in there to balance the conference out and maintain our trademarked shittiness going forward.”

Rutgers is enjoying a largely successful year, having won nine games already and consistently ranking in the top 25. Delany and the rest of the Big Ten are not worried, however, citing Rutgers’s embarrassing lost to Kent State and the fact that they are in the Big East, the very conference Delany strives to be like one day.

Maryland, on the other hand, is really looking like they belong in the Big Ten, going 4-7 on the year so far in the almost as weak ACC. After losing five in a row, the Big Ten had seen enough and immediately made them an offer to join as team #13.

“Sure, we were bad this year, but we’re not even close to what the Big East and ACC have achieved,” said Delany. “In hindsight, the Nebraska move was a bad idea. Michigan and Wisconsin are complaining that it adds another unnecessary hard game to their schedules. And we don’t want that.

He continued, “We like our top-tier teams to enjoy an easy 30 to 40 point win at least every other week. All I have to say is thank god for Illinois.”

At press time, the Big Ten was considering offering conference spots to South Dakota and Eastern Illinois to “further broaden [their] fan base.”

EVANSTON — Delta Delta Delta Delta reported to The Flipside that their tailgate before Saturday’s football game was a “big success.” Chapter president Andrea Gulotta bubbled, “There were so many people there! We had some drinks, played a little catch, grilled on the porch. We sure showed BYE that the Wildcats are for real this year. Go ‘Cats!”

Although Gulotta was unable to recall the exact score of the game—she said she left Ryan Field around halftime—she was sure Northwestern won. “We’re 8-2 now, right? Rose Bowl, here we come!”

Quad-Delt social chair Leah Keuper said, “I love the enthusiasm Northwestern has for its football team. We’re doing all we can at Quad-Delt to show our support. And you know what? It’s working! The Brigham Young School of Engineers didn’t stand a chance.”

Overhearing this, Quad-Delt sister Mary Sweeney, a native New Yorker, interrupted to correct Keuper, calling her a “silly thing.” “BYE isn’t the Brigham Young School of Engineers,” said Sweeney. “It’s the Bronxville-Yonkers Education College. But you’re right, we scored so many touchdowns today. It was awesome.”

Tappa Tappa Keg brother Joseph Simpson, sipping a free beer from Quad-Delt, informed the girls that, contrary to their beliefs about a Northwestern victory, no points were scored at all during the bye week.

“No points?” said an incredulous Gulotta. “I am so disappointed with our team. Like, were they even playing?”

EVANSTON — Although there has been a lot of hype around the recently ranked Northwestern Football team, the Wildcats will be playing this Saturday without their starting defensive line.

As the Northwestern community has long been aware, the team has a strict dress policy on weekdays: a Northwestern Football sweatshirt with a complementary pair of gray or black sweat pants. Any attempt to disobey this policy results in severe punishment. This past Monday, the defensive line boldly disregarded the rules, and wore khakis with their sweatshirts.

As a result, Pat “Queen Bee” Fitzgerald told these players they could not play Saturday. “Our defensive line was wearing Khakis, and it was a Monday. You can’t wear Khakis on Mondays,” Fitzgerald told the press.

When the defensive line tried to protest by saying that they had slimmed down and khakis were all that fit them, Fitzgerald squealed, “You can’t play with us!” The ‘Cats are still waiting to see what results this decision will bring come Saturday against Iowa, but the team is confident that they have made the right decision.

UNIVERSITY PARK, PA – This Saturday the 5-0 Northwestern Wildcats will face the Penn State Nittany Lions, who have taken browbeating after browbeating due to the atrocities of former PSU defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky. In recognition of the delicate situation, the two Big 10 teams have elected to play the entire game without tight ends.

“The Wildcat football program understands the turmoil that Penn State has been through,” said Northwestern head coach Pat Fitzgerald. “Both Penn State and Northwestern believe that removing all tight ends from the contest is an appropriate acknowledgment that neither Penn State nor the Big 10 support Jerry Sandusky and his devious acts.”

Fitzgerald then added, “Also, our tight ends kinda suck dick, so it doesn’t really matter.”

The majority of the members of the coaching staffs of both teams seem to favor the removal decision, but many players are opponents of the move. “This is ridiculous. The tight end is a vital part of every offensive play,” argued Northwestern quarterback Kain Colter. “Although, now that I think about it, I don’t like having to start every play bent over behind a 300 pound center.”

In a related effort, several advocates have suggested that each team removes all wide receivers as well, but Fitzgerald commented, “I don’t think Sandusky was much of a chubby chaser.”