“I’m the one to blame here,” Ryan said between mouthfuls. Criticism from the local media arose when, once the Jets’ playoff hopes were finished, Ryan opened the spice cabinet and brought out some salt and butter.

Gang Green’s season was officially over with a loss to the Miami Dolphins in week seventeen. “I’ve tasted da feet…I mean, defeat, before…but this was a tough one to swallow,” the coach remarked. “They…I mean, it…left a pretty bitter taste in my mouth.”

At one point in their 2011 campaign, the Jets were 8-5 and on the cusp of being one of the NFL’s elite. Unfortunately for them, Ryan was on that cusp with them, and it subsequently cracked and collapsed.

Some members of the New York faithful are even blaming Ryan for throwing in the towel before the Jets were out of contention. Ryan, however, asserts he did not throw in the towel, brandishing a barbeque-and-ketchup stained napkin as he chewed his salted words: “I have it right here. Clearly not thrown in.”

“Once again, I apologize for letting down my team and the fans,” concluded Rex as he stuffed his face with three years’ worth of words. The Jets will look to wrestle their way out of adversity next year with a big 2012 season. With the 1,500 pound Ryan on their side, it’s tough to imagine them losing.

Head basketball coach Bill Carmody saw one of the acts occur in 2002. According to the grand jury report, Carmody caught Fitzgerald selling cupcakes to raise money for AIDS awareness. Upon seeing the illicit treats, Carmody got on the phone with his father to tell him what he had seen. “Pat and I had gone back a ways and I never expected to see this kind of shocking behavior from him,” said Carmody while under witness protection.

The Evanston police department is complaining about all the protests occurring downtown, saying that students have flipped over cars, urinated in mailboxes, and chucked Hecky’s pulled pork all over the windows of local establishments. “This is just unbelievable,” says ardent football fan Bo Bice. “Northwestern became bowl-eligible this weekend and you’re telling me they’re going to take Pat away?!”

Despite the number of charges leveled against him, some news sources believe that Fitzgerald will be found guilty of numerous other acts of humanitarianism. CNN news anchor Husky Blitzkrieg commented on the state of the sports union: “I am shocked and appalled that Fitzgerald would disgrace college sports in this manner. Henceforth, the legacy of Northwestern football will no longer be defined by mediocre success but rather by the monstrosities of one man’s actions. The school will go down in infamy for this. Thank God that other collegiate sports administrations are run by men of extraordinary character.”

In other news, students and local media are beginning to question where Morty Schapiro was when all the acts of humanitarianism were occurring; rumors of a cover-up are beginning to circulate heavily.

Some first-time fans were impressed by the game of football, like Woo Jin Sun Kim, who goes by Ben. “Getting back from the game reminded me of traveling around Beijing,” said Ben, the father of a sophomore economics major. “And that one guy with the headphones and the angry face, he seemed really into it.”

The Asian population was also impressed by the blind obedience displayed after the third quarter during “Put your hands up in the air,” even if most people looked like they didn’t want to participate. Others noted that the players worked very hard but are getting paid very little. Finally, the fact that there seemed to be many more men then girls at the game reminded some newcomers of home.

“We looked great against Rice,” one of them said. “I haven’t been watching all year, but we must have a great record.”

There were, however, some dissidents. Several attendees complained about being unable to see over the tall people standing in front of them. Others said that it was hard to distinguish the players from each other. By far the most complaints, however, related to the general inefficiency of having 4,000 of America’s brightest minds getting belligerently drunk to watch men in tights grab each other for three hours.

“We heard there was going to be rice at the game,” said local Evanstonian Koi Cosy. “And it wasn’t even BYO!”

Accord was reached on one topic, however. All of the Asian parents agreed that the foam finger was a great giveaway because the parents will be very happy to know their kids are number one.

“I offered him season tickets to see us ‘Cats play next year. I figured it was an experience he couldn’t otherwise get and one that most football fans would die for. Of course, he accepted my offer and promised us a W on Saturday,” Fitz told an undercover field reporter when asked about the alleged bribe.

Upon discovering this backhanded transaction, most Northwestern students felt relieved to know their head coach cared enough about them to try to make the football games less of a letdown than in previous weeks. WCAS junior Jeff Baker stated, “I think his idea of bribing the Penn State coach was much more effective than lengthening practice time for the football team. Why waste valuable time bettering the team when a simple bribe will do the trick?”

Despite the overall positive feedback, Northwestern freshmen were noticeably less than pleased with Fitz. SESP freshman Macy Combs said, “I just don’t understand why we would even worry about losing during homecoming week. In high school we always won that game; obviously in college the same thing will happen.”

This Saturday’s game versus Penn State will most likely find many fans eagerly awaiting what may be the last win they will ever see secured by the NU football team. The freshmen, despite their anger at Fitz’s bribery, will undoubtedly show their trademark school spirit at football games, hesitantly mumbling the fight song and jingling their keys just a few seconds too late.

According to head coach Lovie Smith, team psychic Mademoiselle Estrelanga Strelengelthop completed her analysis of what the stars have in store for the Bears Monday evening, when the alignment of Jupiter and Sirius was conducive to productive astrologizing. The results were not good for Bears fans.

“Since we finally realized that the zodiac has become misaligned since the time of the Greeks, it was necessary to recalculate the horoscopes for our most important players,” reported Lovie.

Strelengelthop foresaw that Cutler, a former Taurus who is now an Aries, would have difficulties succeeding in important situations. She extrapolated this to mean that Cutler would choke eternally against the Bears’ archrival, the Packers.

Bears fans met this news with absolute disgust, especially with the Bears and the Packers vying in the NFC Championship on Sunday for a spot in the Superbowl. “I am absolutely disgusted,” said Ursula Loving of Wilmette. “Everyone knows that astrology is bunk anyways. My horoscope today said that I would be gravely disappointed after a minor pleasure, and that certainly isn’t going to happen. Hey, is that a twenty-dollar bill on the ground?”

The interview with Ursula was cut short when a nearby crane cable snapped, dropping a piano onto the now-late Bears fan.

However, Strelengelthop hinted that all hope is not lost for the Bears. “Brian Urlacher is now a Taurus, no longer a Gemini. I see greatness in store for him – more specifically, another ring on his fingers…a super ring…a bowl-shaped ring…no, a Super Bowl ring!”

Strelengelthop concluded, “It is hard to discover the mystery of the stars. Some Signs are more potent than others, and sometimes worldly events will affect the outcomes.”

The end of the press conference was delayed when a freak zoo escape (in which a ram mauled a bull) shut down several Chicago streets. As members of the Bears organization and reporters waited for the all-clear, Strelengelthop was heard on her cellphone, “I’d like to place a bet of $50,000 on the Packers.”

“It seemed right that we should let the other team score a few times before the game started,” explained Fitzgerald. “That way, we can skip to the riveting charge and keep our fans as happy as possible.” This time, however, the deficit did not quite go according to plan. “We meant for the opposing team to put up 17 points on us before the game started, but they faked their imaginary field goal and ran it in to score. Thus, the game stands at 21-0, and we have our work cut out for us.”

There are several steps that must be completed before the ‘Cats can climb out of such an early hole. First, they must qualify for a bowl. If they fail to achieve a good enough record, the 21 points will be kept in a storage unit in Des Plaines until the team’s next postseason appearance. In addition, when bowl placement is determined, the scores must be attributed to individual players on the opposing team. Given this stipulation, fantasy football stock for running backs from mediocre Big 12 and SEC teams has increased dramatically.

Fitzgerald added that the team might also begin its rousing comeback before the game. “It is important that we complete the comeback,” he said, “while still leaving some time for the heartbreaking finale that is sure to follow.”

“We really felt that Tim Tebow transcends the game of football and that he deserved his own category,” said lead designer Ian Cummings. “Tebow’s skill set doesn’t fit into traditional categories like arm strength, accuracy and field awareness. He brings another facet to the game that’s never been seen before.”

Despite possessing mediocre ratings in throwing power and accuracy, important abilities for a QB, his Willpower rating of 100 will make him the best quarterback in the game.

NFL Network Draft Expert Mike Mayock praised the new category, saying that “off-the-chart intangibles” could now be defined for the first time in history.

“Tebow brings more than a love of Phillippians 2:34 and a healthy appreciation for abstinence to the table,” said Mayock. “He’s a proven winner. Florida’s incredible stock of talent was only able to win games due to [Tebow's] sheer force of will.”

Tim Tebow issued a statement praising the creation of the new category, saying that “only with my 100 Willpower rating was I able to dodge that abortion.”

However, some NFL athletes are upset by the new rating system. Oakland Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell created a Facebook group called “Winning Ain’t Everything, Celebrate Mediocrity — presented by Skittles. Taste the Rainbow.” Joining Russell is a long list of underachieving NFL players, such as Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler and Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Roy Williams.

“What the fuck does ‘Willpower’ even mean?” said Jay Cutler, who has a Willpower rating of 1. “I have diabetes. Trying is hard!”

EA Tiburon demonstrated the Willpower rating by simulating a game between the Denver Broncos with Tim Tebow at the helm facing off against the Detroit Lions. Despite being the highest ranked QB in the game, Tebow went 11 for 35 with 128 yards and 1 interception. The Lions won 17-6.

When asked if the Madden team was happy about the demonstration, Ian Cummings responded enthusiastically.

“You could really tell Tebow was giving it his full effort out there.”

“At one point, all the men in the room started yelling,” explained Rapp, “but I didn’t see what happened because I was busy texting my girls.” The dedicated girlfriend explained that her favorite part of the experience was, “the food.” Her favorite part of the game itself was reportedly “that commercial where the baby talks about stock options. He’s so cute!”

Rapp explained that she was rooting for the gold team because they had several players who were “super hot.” This statement worried Dowd, a Weinberg senior, who lamented, “I shouldn’t have sat through Sex and the City with her. Apparently, her idea of being ‘even’ involves her sitting on my couch commenting on how chiseled Drew Brees’ abs are. You didn’t see me do that when we watched that stupid movie. I waited until I was alone to masturbate furiously.”

Rapp said she was happy to see a cameo from “that guy who’s famous for the DoubleStuf Oreo commercials” and commented that she was glad to see him venturing outside of his comfort zone.

One NU running back was ruled out after he got lost inside the parking garage behind Northwestern’s Tampa hotel. A second accidentally traveled to Australia, taking the bowl’s name a little too literally. A third ruptured a disk during practice the day before the game. “We have a sticky running back situation,” said Fitzgerald, “one back is out back, another back is out in the Outback, and a third back threw out his back the day before the Outback.”

Fitzgerald explained that although going to Tampa for nothing was hard on his team, there is still hope. “We went out to the Outback and back, but don’t count us out. We’ll be back.” He then dismissed the reporters to attend the postseason barbecue by saying, “As for questions, when you’re out, there’s baby back out back. Don’t hold back, pig out!”

Northwestern hopes that if they cannot return to the Outback Bowl, that they will at least make the Insight bowl in Phoenix. “The Insight is in sight,” said Fitzgerald, “but only if we incite sightings of great play.”

When the pick was announced, it sent shockwaves throughout the fantasy league. In fact, his fellow competitor was so stunned he stood shocked and silent for a full three seconds before selecting Adrian Peterson. When asked why he didn’t select Peterson, Johnson responded, “Although Peterson’s play at times has seemed supernatural, he is still human, and my elf/orc is impervious to the blitzing charm that the Packers will obviously throw at him.” He chose not to pick Brett Favre because his gray beard “makes him look like a dwarf. Dwarves are clearly at a competitive disadvantage in the football world.”

While his methods may seem bizarre and his reasoning a little outside of the ordinary, Johnson was able to steal Bengals receiver Chad Ochocinco in the late rounds. “He may not know Spanish, but I know a level 85 player when I see one.”

Other competitors were unavailable for comment because they were busy living their real world lives like normal people. Johnson, on the other hand, was hard at work preparing for the fantasy basketball season by selecting the entire Washington Wizards and Orlando Magic rosters.