Posted on 01 February 2010.
Posted on 13 January 2010.
FAIRFIELD, IA—Despite her lack of travel experience outside the tri-state area and her inability to remember the word “Muslim” unless prompted, 78-year-old Iowan Terese Norris has risen to become an authority on the inner-workings of the terrorist network Al-Qaeda. Norris’s counter-insurgency expertise was highlighted when she detailed the terrorist’s day-to-day logistical operations to her family as they sat around the Christmas table.
Norris also notified family members that their small town of Fairfield was quietly nested in the middle of the alleged operation zone.
Further details broken exclusively by Norris included the complicit actions of the United States Postal Service in secretly delivering mail between Iowa and Iraq, where she believes Al Qaeda is sending terrorists from. Grandma Terese then elaborated as if someone had asked her to. “They use couriers that come in to Fairfield [Municipal Airport] in small planes, and there’s Post Office people who’s in on it too,” she said knowingly. “That’s how they keep us from keeping track of their mail.”
“Her depth of knowledge is quite astounding,” remarked grandson Brad Norris in an interview, “especially considering she literally only watches Fox News. She’s unaware Iraq actually has nothing to do with the attacks of 9/11. Facts don’t sway my Grandma.”
Sources later confirmed that Fox News was indeed the only thing on the T.V. for the entirety of Christmas Day, and even remained on while the Norris family enjoyed lunch and dinner.
“She really is a great, lucid woman, but she’s spent a lifetime away from civilization, so I can’t really blame her,” continued Brad, growing noticeably sober, “for neutralizing all of my votes.”
New data shows that Brad’s drive back home to Evanston, IL after Christmas contained 78% more ennui than the carefree drive to Iowa.
Posted on 03 February 2009.
EVANSTON—In a breaking story just reported by Fox News and confirmed by Flipside investigative journalists, Northwestern University president-elect Morton O. Schapiro has been exposed as having attended an extremist Muslim Madrasah as a child.
Schapiro attended the Conway, New Hampshire-based East Parkway Elementary Madrasah from 1958 to 1963. The Madrasah’s administrators could not be reached for comment.
The blogging community, on the other hand, had much to say about this latest development. “[H]es a closet [epithet deleted]!” said SecndAmendmntRulz_218 of the blog jihadwatch.com. “[T]hey r gonna tak over America.”
Other public figures were far more open to this development. “I think this is a great step forward for us as a country . . . to have the president of one of our elite research universities be a Muslim. I see the dawning of a new day in American culture. And hey, maybe he’ll be more open to my ‘anti-whitey’ initiatives,” said Louis Farrakhan of the Nation of Islam.
Other rumors casting a shroud over Schapiro’s selection include allegations of “palling around” with a rabbi who eats non-kosher meats, not wearing a Northwestern lapel pin during public appearances, and an amateur video showing the president-elect not standing and clapping along to NU’s fight song, “Go U Northwestern.”
When asked to comment on these charges, Schapiro’s administrative assistant, Carol Neilson, responded, “What the fuck?”