Hey guys! Sorry, I’m little hungover from the two handles of beer I had last night. I mean, that doesn’t even compare to the time my mom bought me vodka. I had three shots! Shit got so crazy, I can’t even tell you. (Except I’m going to tell you.)

So me and my bros were just chilling when my ‘rents were out to dinner, and we were getting kind of bored so I was like, “Yo, bros, let’s get schwasty.” We went so HAM on my mom’s cooking brandy and the rum my Dad brought back from Grand Cayman! But then we left, like, a little bit left in each bottle so my parents totally wouldn’t find out. (Except somehow they did find out, and I got in so much trouble that my curfew got changed from 11 to 9.)

College is going to be awesome though! I’m definitely going to all of the frat parties. Like, I’ve already met bros from Circle-with-a-line-through-it Triangle and Backwards-three X, and I know they’ll invite me. I’m going to butt chug beer, which is when you put a beer in your back pocket for later and then you drink it. I’m also going to play tons of pong; I’m so good at pong that I always get the ball in the middle cup on the first turn. They call that the “bitch cup” because of all of the bitches you score for being so good at pong. Oh, and I’m definitely going to play slap cup; I’m the best at slapping cups out of people’s hands when they’re least expecting it. People laugh so hard when their clothes are soaked in cheap beer!

So guys, you should totally hit me up on campus in the fall. I’m definitely going to be the person they’ll let in at all the parties, especially because I’ll bring my huge group of guy friends with me. I even know where Garnett is (right next to Tech! It’s kind of weird they’d have parties in a church, but NU bros go hard everywhere, like me.)

EVANSTON – Northwestern emergency response personnel were on heightened alert this past week after an abnormally high number of freshman were found frozen along Sherman Avenue. NU faculty wonders why these freshmen would subject themselves to such a high-risk journey; many, however, believe that they were given no choice.

Fraternity brother Sam Coppermen spoke to the Flipside yesterday morning about the recent tragedy. “There is a serious ethical dilemma here. Freshmen need to flee to off-campus refuges to escape tyrannical CA control. The only problem is that our man-caves are usually too full to be able to accommodate all those coming to us for shelter and drink. Besides, it’s impractical for us to welcome in massive groups of freshman dudes when our parties are already sausagefests to begin with.”

Many students, left to escape from their dorm rooms in the dead of night, bring only the clothes on their backs.

Jeremy Gleftle, a freshman survivor, spoke with the Flipside: “We know if we bring heavy jackets or extra bags with us, they would get jacked by a confused drunk girl or be found doused in unidentifiable fluids under a couch somewhere. Subjecting ourselves to that kind of activity just doesn’t seem worth it.”

In related news, after actual wildcats showed up to Wildcat Welcome Week, many freshmen were mauled during their journeys between Essential NU sites.