EVANSTON—In a shocking display of prejudice, Ashlee Jones, Delta Zeta sorority sister, threw up on the front steps of Phi Psi’s fraternity house Saturday night.

Jones, who was dressed up as “sexy Big Bird,” consumed three Jello shots at Delta Upsilon, five Natty Lights at Pike, and one “something fucking delicious” at Lodge.

“This was obviously an attack on Phi Psi. She didn’t get the alcohol from us. Her stomach contents were her metaphorical pen, hate her message,” said Phi Psi President Dan Johnson.

This incident followed the proclamation by the Daily Northwestern of a Halloween hate crime on the Chabad house. The Phi Psi hate crime, however, has gone shamefully under-reported.

“People fail to understand that we as a predominantly white, middle-class fraternity are one of the biggest targets for prejudice in the frat quads,” Johnson said.

Other than the alcohol consumed that night, the upchuck contained only Diet Coke and bits of celery.

EVANSTON—A new fraternity has recently joined the 17 nationally-recognized fraternities at Northwestern. Informally dubbed the “Hipster Frat,” the organization is currently unnamed. According to president Hudson Tyler, undecided Weinberg junior, frat names are too “mainstream” for the group.

The fraternity claims that with its laid-back atmosphere it will offer an
“alternative” experience at a college where everyone on North Campus except the Slivka kids are involved in Greek life.

With a toss of his unwashed bangs, member Charles Kingston assured that the frat won’t haze pledges. New members will, however, be expected to get ironic tattoos. Kingston then pointed to a tattoo of a connect-the-dots puzzle in the shape of a flying giraffe emblazoned on his protruding hip.

Last week, a Flipside writer was invited into the frat house, ostensibly because of her small frame and ambiguous ethnicity. The presence of a reporter was apparently a point of contention within the group; as Jude Winthrop, a Jazz Studies and Gender Studies double major, explained, “We want to be underground; we don’t want this piece to make us well known, but we also don’t want to be like one of pretentious secret societies at Harvard. It’s tough.”

Tyler told a Flipside writer that the house is off campus, in a part of Evanston that hasn’t yet been “gentrified.” Upon entering the frat house, our writer documented scattered Threadless t-shirts, worn-out Chuck Taylors and posters of bands no one has ever heard of. When our writer noticed a stack of Urban Outfitters catalogs, one brother nervously pushed them aside, claiming the guys who live in the building fill their wardrobes strictly with vintage clothing. The house, which runs on solar energy, also has an organic garden complete with compost, where brothers can feel environmentally elite for picking their own fruits and vegetables.

To the question of his conformity to the subculture, Tyler vehemently denied the accusation, saying “What? No, man, I’m not one of those fucking hipsters.”

Offended, he then placed neon DJ headphones over his ears and returned to reading Pitchfork.com on his iPad.

Delta Upsilon, a predominantly undead frat, was busted earlier in the week for having a full wall in their basement dedicated to girls they had “dined and dashed” on. This wall assigned points to the most gluttonous eaters who had “hit” the most girls.

The frat assigned points to each girl they had eaten or planned to eat, setting goals for larger girls that took more perseverance to eat, and red-headed girls, known as “gingers,” that were less attainable due to their early stages of infection.

“It’s disgusting what these guys are doing. They treat us as if we’re just meat to them. Which I guess we are, but that’s not the point,” said the President of Delta Delta Delta, by far the sorority that had the most eaten members.

Delta Upsilon has also drawn ire for having only one non-zombie member, Darrell Thompson. Thompson is known as the “token uninfected”.

EVANSTON—A riot broke out on Wednesday the 11th as a typo in a local paper mistakenly misspelled the name of the Northwestern mathematics building, Lunt Hall. By accidentally substituting a single poorly-placed consonant for the “L”, writer Edward McGlonin inadvertently plunged himself into a tumultuous hell of incensed women’s rights groups, gleefully inebriated fraternity patrons, and everyone in between. When asked about the incident, McGlonin stated that “the low lighting [conditions] made the two letters look exactly the same” although this interview was conducted via telephone and there were sounds akin to snickering on the other end. His editor was similarly displeased and confused about how the error had escaped his notice, but declined to comment when accosted by this Flipside reporter.

These flimsy apologies aren’t enough for certain organizations, though. Melina Hibasteus, co-chair of Women Against Offensive Labels, commented on the controversy: “It’s ridiculous. Those two letters aren’t even close to each other on the keyboard; it can’t possibly have been a mistake. We have faced years of vulgar name-calling attached to our gender and anatomy, and we’ve had enough.” However, some members of the Northwestern University community found the unintentional misspelling quite funny. Shilo DeBaunt, of the fraternity Kappa Zeta Kappa, was quoted as calling the mistake “hilarious” and “that [he] loves anything to do with [the typo]” before promptly high-fiving fellow fraternity brother Tommy Morraghin.

The reported backlash from feminist groups was tremendous. “Who knows?” said Hibasteus. “The next time I’m referring to the Block Museum of Art, my vocal cords might just… slip. They’re quite similar sounds.”

EVANSTON—Phi Mu Alpha, Northwestern University’s premier fraternity, has recently decided to invest the majority of its funds on estrogen pills in order to attempt to fit in with their neighboring sorority sisters. Located at 626 Emerson Street, the house is situated in the middle of sorority row. Recently, the musical brothers discovered that their neighbors are, in fact, female. As a result of this shocking find, many of PMA’s residents have become overwhelmingly self-conscious and distraught because of their distinct physical builds.

President Matthew David Watras commented, “Many of the residents have been scared to leave the frat house. In fact, four of our brothers have been discovered hiding in a closet for the past week. I mean, what do you expect? We just don’t fit in here. But this is our home, and we can’t let it fall apart.”

Determined to keep the brothers’ morale and confidence afloat, Watras and other frat leaders realized that the pharmaceutical industry could save the group.

“These pills will give us the curves and figures that we’ve been longing for; but more importantly, they will help make us feel like we belong,” said Watras. “We tried padded bras at first, but the effects are disappointingly temporary.”

The PMA’s will eventually be taking a group trip to CVS in order to purchase their deserved and much-needed female hormones. As an ensemble, they plan on marching through the streets of Evanston, instruments in hand, playing Christina Aguilera’s “You are Beautiful” to signify their newfound pride and confidence. If the effects of the pills successfully manifest, the fraternity should no longer be agoraphobic. Yes, PMA might PMS because of their new investment. However, they will have finally found their place in sorority row.

EVANSTON—In a shocking move last Thursday morning, Joe “No Liver” Guggenheim, a local convenience store night-shift manager and alcoholic, turned down an offer of a free case of Natty Light. The offer came when the brothers of Tappa Tappa Keg realized that they bought more beer than they could fit in their car. The fraternity was stocking up for a big weekend bash to celebrate the coming of a full moon.

Upon seeing Mr. Guggenheim drunkenly stumbling down the street at 11:00 AM, they offered him the beer rather than returning it to the store. “He seemed like he could, like, use it more than we could, you know, man?” added local bro Chris Steves. “I always, like, see him drinking all the time.”

When asked about his surprise refusal, Guggenheim stated that he “didn’t drink piss water. [takes sip] Seriously man, I’m just too classy for that shit,” said Guggenheim while chugging vodka from a plastic bottle. “I only drink quality stuff like PBR or whatever the hell I’m drinking right now. It’s really good…who are you? How did I get here?”

It is unknown at this time what became of the unwanted beer. Perhaps a contribution was made to Evanston’s homeless community. What? They deserve some fun once and a while.