EVANSTON — Police officer Bob Hankervich went to the frat quad this previous Saturday night to investigate reports of underage drinking. As he walked up the stairs to the frat in question, Tappa Tappa Keg junior George Kerry got ready to deny another dweeb.

The cop approached Kerry assuming he would step aside, but instead he stood firmly in front of the door and offered a “what’s up bro?” with an introductory head nod.

According to Northwestern Police records, Hankervich responded, “There were some reports of underage drinking in here so I’m here to check it out.”

“I mean obviously we throw down,” Kerry answered. “Do you have a text from a brother?”

“Uhhh, actually I have a call from a concerned Evanston resident,” said Officer Hankervich.

Reports indicate that Kerry was not having it. “Look bro, I knew you were a GDI the moment you got to the door. I don’t know who told you this was a themed party but I don’t quite see where you’re going with this cop outfit. Maybe if you had a good ratio I would’ve considered letting you in, but you didn’t show up with a single girl. I’m sorry bro but it’s just not happening tonight.”

Witnesses told The Flipside that Hankervic, astonished by the harsh rejection he had just received, forgot about his professional duties and stepped away from the frat house rager.

Officer Hankervich later tried to bust three more frat parties, attempting to boost his confidence, but instead was told he should “fuck off and go to NU Nights or something.”

Consequently, NU Nights was shut down for the first time ever. However, reports say that the four students at NU Nights were actually thankful this happened because this incident was the coolest thing that’s happened to them in a while.

EVANSTON — Northwestern fraternities have recently begun their weekly tradition of Sunday night dinners, and hundreds of freshman have attended to get free food and flirt with frat brothers. The race for bids has begun, and one freshman has emerged as the top recruit. Nicknamed “Homeless Joe,” this enterprising, genial, and most of all hungry freshman has been sighted at nearly every single frat and dinner.

Reports say Joe usually arrives at the frats alone, but he does bring his shopping cart and takes full advantage of the free food, grabbing two plates on average and a couple more for the road.

Many brothers have really taken a liking to Joe. Mark Matheson, a brother at Tappa Tappa Keg, explained Joe’s appeal, “I think everyone wants to give a bid to Joe because he’s so funny. He pretends he’s not interested in fraternity life at all and says things like, ‘I’m just here for the free food,’ or ‘This is gonna feed me for the next 3 days.’”

“He has a pretty dry sense of humor, but it’s hilarious,” Matheson continued.

TTK Rush Chair Billy O’Neil said that he’s sure Homeless Joe is going to rush because he overheard Joe saying, ‘I’d really love to live in a house for a change.’”

While some are starting to question whether Joe is actually a freshman, others have suggested that he is probably just a Bobb resident.

WASHINGTON – Days after his official appointment to the presidency of the World Bank, Jim Yong Kim, the former president of Dartmouth College, was reportedly hazed by some high-ranking staff of the organization.

Several unconfirmed reports have surfaced over the alleged incident. Details of the hazing include Kim being forced to consume copious amounts of alcohol, run around the National Mall half naked while blindfolded, drink a gallon of milk mixed with water from the Potomac River, deny emergency loan requests from Angola, and be quizzed on facts of the founding of the institution.

In video footage acquired by The Flipside, the World Bank Senior Economist Justin Lin interrogates Kim about the Five Stated Purposes of the World Bank from Article I of the Articles of Agreement of the International Bank for Reconstruction and Development. When Kim fails to recite Clause (iv), Lin hands Kim a bottle of malt liquor, screaming “Wrong, you fucking numb-nut.”

Kim was formerly the president of Dartmouth College, the elite East Coast Ivory League school notorious for its hazing practices. Kim, who assumed the office in 2009, was noted for his refusal to put an end to the hazing, saying that as a trained anthropologist, “you don’t come in and change the culture.” When asked for comment, Gerald McPaddington, a Dartmouth junior, mumbled “that shit deserved it for abandoning us,” before vomiting all over the floor.

A spokesperson for World Bank refused to elaborate on the alleged incident, simply stating, “Don’t worry, everything is under control.”

EVANSTON – Three years ago, Northwestern fraternity Epsilon Delta Upsilon was put on probation for what the University described as “academic harassment”. Apparently, the warning wasn’t enough, as the fraternity has been disbanded for unspecified transgressions as of earlier this afternoon. This marks the third time in ten years that a fraternity has been kicked off campus for incidences of hazing. Although hazing rituals are all but a universally accepted truth in fraternity life, faculty and students alike are shocked at the extent to which EDU has violated all boundaries of unforgivable behavior.

No specific details have come to the public eye, but the University issued a statement in a press release this afternoon. “Too many students have been coerced into situations that they would under no other circumstance be willing to endure,” Dean of Students Burgwell Howard declared. “That a Northwestern student would want to impose such disgraces upon another Northwestern student is astounding, and certainly grounds for suspension of charter.”

A former pledge, who preferred to go unnamed for fear of retaliation, provided a picture of the terrifying abuses. “I’d be talking with a friend,” said the pledge, “and a brother of the frat would walk up to me and be like, ‘Do your homework, all of it, right now, or you’re a pussy!’ What was I supposed to do, say no?”

An older member of the fraternity corroborated the prevalence of this behavior, saying, “They’ve been making kids go to class against their will for years. It’s something that everyone expects when they get to college, but the reality can be hard for some freshman to take. I guess they trained us to accept the mentality that sometimes you have to do things that you hate doing to get to the things you like.”

Said a non-Greek student, “This is exactly why I was turned off by the whole Greek scene. Anyone who would force me to uphold my responsibilities, be accountable for my actions, make the most of the incredible opportunity of having Northwestern-quality professors at my disposal, and grow to become a better person is no friend of mine.”

The hazing was discovered last Thursday when an anonymous tip brought police to an introductory economics class in which an astounding 1/3 of students had actually attended. Officer Kiljoy commented on the brazen exploitation of pledges, saying; “I could see through the door of the classroom that something was off. There were at least 30, maybe 40 students in the 350-person class. They were keeping up normal appearances, fiddling on their smartphones and ignoring the teacher, but still, 40 kids? Ridiculous.”

Inquiries are currently being made to determine whether other fraternities have also contributed to falsely inflating the rate of attendance.