EVANSTON—David Stephens, a highly touted freshman point guard, was reported as being “shocked and confused” by a pregaming event at Bobb last Friday. Stephens was invited to the party by his roommate, Jack Vineyard, “I figured, the dude’s an athlete,” Vineyard said, “I thought he’d understand what a pregame is. I couldn’t have been more wrong.”

Stephens initially seemed exuberant upon hearing of the pregame. “I told Jack I just had to grab my ball and my bag and I’d meet him there,” the point guard explained, “but when I got to the room, there wasn’t so much as a Koosh hoop anywhere in sight.”

Vineyard explained that when Stephens entered the room, his gym attire and the orange ball in his hands initially confused the other attendees. However, his appearance was quickly forgotten in a chorus of “Hey!!!!” and Vineyard yelling, “SHOTS!!! FOR THIS GUY!” This seemed to delight Stephens, who then said, “Shots sounds good. I need to work on my jumper. Where are we going, exactly?”

The partygoers explained the Stephens that the party was right here, and he was about to get hammered. Stephens took offensive to this, replying, “I might be small, but no one throws down the hammer dunk on me. I’ll swat that shit away, no sweat.”

Eventually, Stephens began to lighten up, but retained his sporting personality throughout the pregame. When asked how he was doing, the point guard explained that he was just “taking it one drink at a time” and that he’ll “really need to step up at the actual party and give it his all.”

Stephens had reportedly been involved in a similar misunderstanding last week, when he wore his Sacramento Kings #4 jersey to a round of the drinking game of the same name.

EVANSTON—Putting on and tucking in his Class of ’13 shirt, McCormick freshman Danny Gubin had a feeling it was going to be a good day. Gubin, often described as a real loser, then brushed his teeth with his electric toothbrush and flossed. Twice.

Gubin stared down at the condom given to him in his 6th grade health class, muttering to himself, “Today is going to be the day.”

After stumbling into the hallway over the “Our Little Boy Is In College” doormat his mom stitched him, Gubin smiled at Communication sophomore Maya Lev, who has over a 1000 Facebook friends.

“I told him he should take the price tag off his jeans,” reported Lev, who is looking for more community service hours.

Gubin, who has yet to make a friend on X-box Live, unlocked all 3 Kryptonite locks on his bike and then honked his bike horn at Kristen Melick, a Weinberg freshman.

“I saw that brace-faced, acne-infested buffoon on Sheridan,” Melick texted Flipside reporters. “It was disgusting.”

Gubin, who isn’t even friends with his dog, commented that Melick “looked like she just swallowed a bug, which is just ridiculous because everybody knows bugs cannot survive in the Evanston climate during October.”

“She pulled out her phone. I bet she was telling her friends about me!” said Gubin. “I’m so excited! I need friends… I almost made one once, but I then pulled out my pocket-abacus… that was a bad call.”

Turning on Noyes, Gubin waved at a girl in skanky-ass clothes. She asked him if he wanted a friend. Gubin said yes. She told him it would cost 40 dollars an hour.

“That was a good deal. I’ve never had a friend for that long. She even is willing to check out my dorm. I hope she likes my Captain Underpants posters.”

EVANSTON—When freshman Conrad Stevens went to his first lab in Tech on Wednesday, he ended up stumbling upon a colony of students living in the halls.

“I’d just passed L22 for the fifth goddamn time,” Stevens recounts, “when I saw something move out of the corner of my eye. I could have sworn I heard whispers.”

Upon investigation, Stevens realized he had found a small village lining the halls of the A wing basement. “They were all wearing long-sleeved shirts, pants, socks, closed-toed shoes, and safety… fuck, I forgot my goggles!” Stevens recalls.

These so-called “Lost Boys” are, in fact, an entire freshman lab session from last year who, through a typo, were scheduled to meet in “A2.” Senior Benjamin Wells remarked, “any freshman that doesn’t know A2 isn’t a real room deserves to be lost in Tech for a year, living off scraps of food and deionized water. When I was a freshman I spent a whole week living in the Tribune Center because I didn’t realize it was different from McCormick Hall.” When reached for a followup, Stevens raised a thought-provoking question, “Who the fuck put the L Wing between B and G?!”

Stevens is planning to give a talk to University maintenance entitled “This Is Why You Clean the Fucking Basement,” though there is doubt whether maintenance workers will put aside their fears of encountering a minotaur in the Tech labyrinth.