EVANSTON – Approximately one month after leaving home for the first time, dozens of underclassmen have been frantically cleaning their dorm rooms for the first time ever. During their first month of college, these students have been continuously lying to their parents about their cleanliness and organizational habits, saying that college forces them to be much more on top of things than they were back home.

In an attempt to sell the lie to their parents when they come to campus for Family Weekend, these students are now scrambling to clean up. Many have found it necessary to ask their Community Assistants how to properly use a vacuum.

Jamie Upshaw, a Medill freshman living in Allison, remarked, “All of the trash bins in the hallways are overflowing because people are finally throwing things away from Welcome Week. When we heard Allison felt like a hotel, I think we assumed there would be maids and room service.”

Upshaw continued, “The laundry machines are all filled up. My roommate is doing laundry for the first time in four weeks. The saying ‘If it don’t smell, you can’t tell’ has finally worn off.”

Cody Glover, a Weinberg student living in Elder, is glad his parents are coming. “There is a peculiar smell coming from my room. I had hoped to find it before my parents came on Friday, but then I realized I don’t really give a shit what they think. They’re coming over, so let them find it.”

The students in Hinman who created the ball pit in their room still have no plans for cleaning it up. They are hoping their parents’ reactions will also make the front page of Reddit.

EVANSTON – As McCormick freshman Hank Crowley tore open the first care package sent from his parents, he was surprised to find that, under the bags of candy and boxes of pastries that he had requested, lay a single, individually-wrapped Trojan condom.

When pushed for comment on whether he was expecting the rubber contraceptive to be present among his Reese’s Pieces and Blueberry Pop Tarts, Crowley said, “It was a little weird, because you think if Mom and Dad were going to put something like that in there it’d be sort of up front, but it was all, like, shoved in the bottom under all the bubble-wrap.” Crowley paused and turned the package over in his hands. “It was almost like it wasn’t supposed to be there.”

The condom, which is a Trojan Sensitivity BareSkin Lubricated Latex, was in pristine condition. Crowley’s roommate, Medill freshman Nick Buckholtz, shared, “It’s pretty hilarious, actually. I mean, I’ve seen a lot of condoms in my day, but that one Hank has is, like, a nice-ass condom.”

“Shit.” Buckholtz added, rubbing his hands together gleefully.

Sources have since confirmed that Nick Buckholtz is a huge fucking douchebag.

Adding to the mystery of the condom is the note left by Crowley’s parents. While Crowley has stated that the vast majority of the note contains “pretty run-of-the-mill” news from home, the letter concludes with, “Stay safe!” followed by a heart and a signature from both of the boys’ parents.

“Do you think that’s just a regular old ‘stay safe?’” Crowley asked, “Or is it like the other kind, you know, like . . . for that stuff?”

Crowley initially thought to place the condom safely in the top drawer of his desk, but after a moment of deliberation, began figuring out how to fit it into his wallet. “That’s what they do, right?” the flustered boy asked, looking like he had stumbled upon some alien substance or some shit like that. “Isn’t that where it’s supposed to go? Like, so you can use it for later or—or something?”

Investigators have gathered that the condom never actually found its way to Crowley’s wallet, and instead still resides in his sweaty, fidgeting hands. “It had to have been a mistake by Mom and Dad, don’t you think?” The boy paced back and forth, turning the wrapper over so he could read the label for the fifteenth time. “They—they wouldn’t expect me to be, like, using this thing. No, it fell in there by accident.” Crowley then nodded affirmatively, and tossed the contraceptive onto his desk.

Nick Buckholtz seemed to agree with his roommate. “Yeah, it was definitely not in there for real. Hank’s parents probably know that their kid’s chance of getting anywhere near some va-jay-jay is pretty much microscopic, so they definitely wouldn’t give him a jimmy. I mean, come on, look at him.”

In the days since the care package was delivered, the condom remains unused. However, three more packages have been delivered to Hank Crowley, containing canned pineapple, a massaging neck pillow, and a tube of Astroglide.

EVANSTON – The future Rush Chair of Tappa Tappa Keg moved into Bobb this week and announced to his floor that he will be hosting the official “Rock the Beach” pregame of the dorm.

Rock the Beach is a Wildcat Welcome Week event where new students get to hang out on Northwestern’s sandy shore and dance with people they barely know. They typically take many pictures to prove to their friends who have been in college for three weeks already that they actually have “friends” at school too.

“I needed to make it known that I’m the guy you can come to for all your party needs,” Chad Smithly said. “My mom got me a handle of smirnoff before leaving and told me to use it to make new friends.”

The party will be held in room 420, which Chad specifically requested for its (obstructed) lakeshore view.

His roommate, Dexter Bing, said he is excited for the pregame because it will be his first interaction with girls outside a classroom setting.

When asking Chad’s CA – who refused to give her name – for comment on this upcoming pregame, she simply sighed, “freshmen boys will be freshmen boys. I can’t stop that.”

“Rock the beach is the going to be the sickest party of the whole year, thanks to my pregame,” Chad said. “It’s going to be like prom after-party, mixed with Virginia beach week, mixed with spring break in Telluride. I hope everyone is ready to go HAM.”

EVANSTON – The cutthroat Northwestern academic environment has already proved too high-stress for several members of the Class of 2016, who were sent home during Wildcat Welcome Week after several ill-conceived rounds of icebreakers.

Tommy McNamara of Joplin City, Missouri, suffered a mental breakdown when he was only able to come up with two truths and no lie. “It was too weird. I guess it can be hard to come up with something under the gun like that, but still, bro,” said fellow Freshman-orientee Bobby Riley, from San Diego. “I just said I had a dog named Max. My dog’s name is Bo. Great, huh?” the aspiring communications major added.

A second icebreaker-related scandal occurred Tuesday afternoon when three Freshman girls reported that a game of “the human knot,” where participants cross arms and join hands in the center of a circle and then work together to untangle themselves, became too risqué. “I’ve always found that having students awkwardly brush up against other uncomfortably sweaty students in games that no one wants to play is the best way to foster lasting friendships,” advised Wildcat Welcome Coordinator Jerry McDermott prior to Tuesday’s incident.

Witnesses said that several members of the orientation group became uncomfortable during round seven of “the human knot.” At this point, peer adviser and Alpha Beta Gamma, Delta Chapter Vice President Bryan Wells allegedly comforted the co-eds, telling them, “if you think this is bad, you chicks should see the Gamma house basement,” and winking.

At this point, Kate-Ashley Higbee of Salt Lake City, Utah allegedly convulsed slightly before fleeing the scene and calling her parents Jedediah and Mary-Ellen. The Higbees have since enrolled Kate-Ashley at Brigham Young University and also gone on-record calling NU a “school for heathens.”

In a special roommate interview, Jenny Smith of Indianapolis and Giuilana DiPalermo of Seaside Heights told The Flipside that they were actually really glad their CA made their hall play games like “Never Have I Ever” to get residents to know each other better.

“I can tell we’re going to be great friends!” squealed Smith.

“Yeah, and now that that chick from Utah’s gone, we don’t have to worry about her getting all judgy and can play for real,” DiPalermo replied, nursing her third Smirnoff Ice.

“But Giuliana,” Smith stammered, “you got out first all five games.”

“So I live a little prairie-girl. You got somethin’ to say to me?”

Earlier this evening, Smith applied for a dorm-transfer citing the reason “my roommate is from New Jersey.” She was promptly relocated.

ROCKFORD, IL – Julius Marder was deeply troubled Monday morning when he realized he didn’t know how to translate Northwestern’s motto, Quaecumque sunt vera.

“I’ve taken AP Latin and placed into Latin 201-3 here,” said Marder, who will be moving onto campus Thursday with the rest of the Class of 2016. “But I don’t know what my new school’s motto means! It gave me a headache.”

Marder first encountered Northwestern’s motto on a piece of promotional material mailed to him, the noble purple seal searing his eyes with its Wildcattish glory. “Quaecumque…is along the lines of ‘and whatever,’” Marder pondered. “And ‘vera’ I think is wine – wait, no, truth. And ‘sunt’ obviously means ‘are.’ Whatever are the truth? And some things are truth?”

Despite the waves of nausea now careening through Marder’s no-longer-coddled-by-Auburn-High-School mind, the incoming freshman feels confident he will be able to handle the Northwestern Classics department. “After scoring a five on the AP Latin test, there’s no way the intense rigor of Northwestern classes will kick my ass.”

When told that the motto translates as “Whatsoever things are true,” Marder nodded his head slowly, and then said, “I don’t get it.”

Marder plans to spend Monday evening changing all references of his plans to double major in Classics and Philosophy to “Undecided” and is also considering jumping off a bridge.

By Reality

Hey there! You remember me, right? I’m everyone’s favorite killjoy; the name’s Reality. I’m afraid I’m going to be out of town for the next few weeks, but don’t worry, we’re gonna get acquainted real soon. I can’t wait to chat with you about overbearing midterms, the disappointing social scene, and your crushing feelings of wasted potential. I’ll even try not to laugh.

Don’t worry, though, today I’m just here to have a chat with a few of you: those who spent the last four years eagerly anticipating college as “freedom from the misery” of high school, and those hoping to re-enact the plots of shitty teen comedies. 12th Grade pretty much ended in March, so you’ve had six full months to whittle the hours away by fantasizing about how, come September, you’ll be up to your neck in parties, hook-ups, and recognition for all of your hard work and talents. You fucking idiots.

Despite what some of you seem to think, I never made you any promises, and certainly don’t owe you anything. So quit all this romantic idealism shit. It sickens me.

Those of you who dreamed of college as a haven for intellectuals; what the fuck were you thinking? Your classmates matured just as little as you did over the past few years, only now there’s no parental oversight to keep their worst traits in check. And you would-be partiers, Goddammit, just take a look at yourselves. You’re letting your parents spend a fortune for you to get a 2.5 GPA. In History. Good luck with that.

That’s it for today. Don’t find my rant relatable? Congratulations, you might actually look back on college fondly. But I’m still going to make you my bitch. So have fun at Wildcat Welcome; I’ll bug you later. We’ve got all the time in the world.

EVANSTON – Northwestern administration will proudly present NU’s most diverse class ever at the President’s Convocation, held in the same places as last year’s, to conclude Wildcat Welcome Week 2012. Administrators say that at any moment they could take a picture of the new class and put it in an information book to send to prospective students. The class has students from more countries than were in the Olympics and dozens of people who barely speak English.

Each geographically and ethnically diverse class member of 2016 marched under the arch, looking to bring their unique composition to campus.

“I’m really hoping to be on DM exec,” said Alec Miller, an RTVF freshman from a small Midwest state, “but I already signed up for a bunch of other clubs. I can’t wait to get all those emails. I definitely know what I’m getting myself into.”

“And look at all these free t-shirts I’ve gotten,” Miller added.

The class is also diverse in interests, Northwestern administrators say.

Take Danielle Weinberger, a Weinberg freshman from Long Island. Danielle has never worn much purple before, but she’s willing to give it a try. In fact, she’s already found herself forging her own unique path.

“I never really thought about being in a sorority,” Weinberger said. “But after two days, I’ve already met some really nice girls in a completely organic way. It’s totally changed my preconceptions.”

The most diverse class ever will definitely not be like last year’s class. Their first football home game will not be when the seasons is already one third of the way through, they won’t get lost in tech and then tell all their new-found dorm friends—whom they will still be talking to winter quarter—about it over lunch at Sargent, and they won’t discover that Edzo’s truffle fries are even greater than getting laid.

And with their higher middle 50 percent of ACT and SAT scores, they surely will be smarter than last year’s class and not get their hopes up that the basketball team will make the tournament and they will not join a fraternity that gets dislodged before pledgeship ends and they won’t have a couple classmates that think biking while talking on your cell phone and drinking coffee is a cool thing to do that’s also totally respectful of everyone else on Sheridan road who are just trying to get to the same classes that everyone else has taken all these years before them.

“The seniors last year were a special class,” said Burgell Howard, Dean of some new position. “But this group of freshmen is even more special.”

EVANSTON – A Biology 215 textbook became slightly water damaged today, when textbook owner Andrew Coble knocked over his open water bottle.

“I was studying at the library,” said Coble, a Weinberg freshman, “when I decided to get up to go to the bathroom. As I rose to my feet, my hand knocked into my water bottle.”

The water bottle then fell over, spilling its contents – water – onto the table Coble had been sitting at. The water spread quickly, quickly dampening Coble’s Biology textbook, Essential Genetics: A Genomics Perspective.

“I didn’t have any paper towels!” moaned Coble, remembering his inability to clean up his mess.

Pages 177-362 were damaged near the top of the book, and page 176 was splashed slightly. After drying, the textbook is expected to make a full recovery, though its pages will never lie perfectly flat again.

“I’ve learned my lesson,” Coble said, explaining his plan to prevent future accidents by always screwing the cap back on after taking a sip.

BREAKING: Rumors have just surfaced that Coble managed to drop his iPhone into the toilet while attempting to wipe himself and play Angry Birds simultaneously.