EVANSTON—Putting on and tucking in his Class of ’13 shirt, McCormick freshman Danny Gubin had a feeling it was going to be a good day. Gubin, often described as a real loser, then brushed his teeth with his electric toothbrush and flossed. Twice.

Gubin stared down at the condom given to him in his 6th grade health class, muttering to himself, “Today is going to be the day.”

After stumbling into the hallway over the “Our Little Boy Is In College” doormat his mom stitched him, Gubin smiled at Communication sophomore Maya Lev, who has over a 1000 Facebook friends.

“I told him he should take the price tag off his jeans,” reported Lev, who is looking for more community service hours.

Gubin, who has yet to make a friend on X-box Live, unlocked all 3 Kryptonite locks on his bike and then honked his bike horn at Kristen Melick, a Weinberg freshman.

“I saw that brace-faced, acne-infested buffoon on Sheridan,” Melick texted Flipside reporters. “It was disgusting.”

Gubin, who isn’t even friends with his dog, commented that Melick “looked like she just swallowed a bug, which is just ridiculous because everybody knows bugs cannot survive in the Evanston climate during October.”

“She pulled out her phone. I bet she was telling her friends about me!” said Gubin. “I’m so excited! I need friends… I almost made one once, but I then pulled out my pocket-abacus… that was a bad call.”

Turning on Noyes, Gubin waved at a girl in skanky-ass clothes. She asked him if he wanted a friend. Gubin said yes. She told him it would cost 40 dollars an hour.

“That was a good deal. I’ve never had a friend for that long. She even is willing to check out my dorm. I hope she likes my Captain Underpants posters.”

WASHINGTON—After exchanging a handshake and what were described as “warm words” with Hugo Chavez, Barack Obama friended the Venezuelan president on Facebook yesterday. Obama described the move as “a step forward in American foreign policy.” Chavez was quick to accept the friend request, saying he was happy to finally get the respect he deserved from the American government. “All that Bush guy ever did was send me pokes. For crying out loud George, do you have any idea how annoying those things are?”

This new Facebook friendship has had many perks for citizens of both the U.S. and Venezuela. Obama invited Chavez to three groups: “World Peace”, “UN Leaders Around the Globe” and “If 5000 people join this group, I will run naked through the Federal Capitol in Caracas.” He was pleased to see that Chavez accepted all of the invitations, but was unhappy that Chavez rejected his invitation to an event entitled “Rager at the White House.” “A complete Facebook friendship won’t happen all at once,” noted Obama, “but each day that we remain Facebook friends is a good day for U.S. foreign policy.”

Perhaps the most heartwarming moment of the friendship came when Chavez posted his list of the “Top 5 Funniest Looking World Leaders”. His list included several prominent figures including Angela Merkel, Hu Jintao, and Barack Obama. Obama published a comment, “Rofl, nice list. Ur sooooo right about Merkel. I think ur on my list tho lol.”

Not everyone has had a positive reaction to the Facebook friendship. Almost immediately after Chavez accepted the request, he got a notification from Fidel Castro that the former Cuban dictator had changed their relationship status to “It’s Complicated”.