EVANSTON—Yesterday at approximately 9:23 p.m., senior statistics major Josh Sylvan declared in a verbal report that he in all likelihood fucked your girlfriend.

“I’m a little worried about my power because I was pretty drunk,” Sylvan said. “I would really feel bad for you if I made a type two error.”

The stated confidence interval is hand job< μ<three rounds of hot action on your desk, bed, and shower, respectively.

“These things are tricky,” admits Sylvan. “You have to be wary of over-generalization, false reports, and the boyfriend trying to beat the living shit out of you.”

“I think the probability of that happening is pretty low, however,” he adds.

There is hope for peace of mind, as there is a five percent chance it didn’t happen. Sylvan promised to take more random samples by going out to dinner with your girlfriend and seeing where the night takes them.

CHICAGO—While watching the popular Fox show Glee, Abbey Ladder misinterpreted her boyfriend’s apparent disgust for the show. “I know it’s got a lot of singing in it, but it’s really not as gay as you say it is,” Abbey protested to Gary Bender, her boyfriend of one year.

It was not the show that was bothering him, but one of the promotions for postseason baseball.

“Not seeing the Cubs in the World Series always instills an unwavering anger in me. I can’t stand watching Fox at this time of the year.”

Abbey, who is always trying to comfort her boyfriend’s Chicago-sports-induced temper tantrums, insisted that everything would work out in the end. “Don’t worry, honey; I’m sure the Cubs will win the Super Bowl someday.”

Gary then proceeded to roll his eyes, blurt out a couple of curse words, and down 4 shots of vodka all in the next two minutes.

“I really don’t see what his problem is,” added Abbey. “Always pouting over something. So the Cubs haven’t won a match in 10 years. At least the Blackhawks are good this season. I hear they score a lot of touchdowns.”

“Well, I suppose it could be worse,” thought Gary while clinging to a pair of Coronas, “I could be a…oh shit, what’s worse than a Cubs fan… [incomprehensible sobbing]… nothing.”

“I really wish you spent your money better,” Abbey pleaded to Gary. “If you would just stop wasting it on booze and ‘You Gotta Believe’ posters, you could save it for important things, like clothes.”

It was later confirmed that although Gary was upset by the World Series advertisement, he does think Glee is “fucking gay as shit” and that he should hate it because he “has a Y chromosome.” He would never let his girlfriend know that he hates her favorite show because “she does give great head.”

EVANSTON—A team wearing blue uniforms and a team wearing gold uniforms played a football game last Sunday, according to SESP senior Cailey Rapp. “There was a bunch of running involved,” explained Rapp, whose boyfriend Ezra Dowd is a diehard gold team fan.

“At one point, all the men in the room started yelling,” explained Rapp, “but I didn’t see what happened because I was busy texting my girls.” The dedicated girlfriend explained that her favorite part of the experience was, “the food.” Her favorite part of the game itself was reportedly “that commercial where the baby talks about stock options. He’s so cute!”

Rapp explained that she was rooting for the gold team because they had several players who were “super hot.” This statement worried Dowd, a Weinberg senior, who lamented, “I shouldn’t have sat through Sex and the City with her. Apparently, her idea of being ‘even’ involves her sitting on my couch commenting on how chiseled Drew Brees’ abs are. You didn’t see me do that when we watched that stupid movie. I waited until I was alone to masturbate furiously.”

Rapp said she was happy to see a cameo from “that guy who’s famous for the DoubleStuf Oreo commercials” and commented that she was glad to see him venturing outside of his comfort zone.