WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a large hall, preacher Joseph Schmidt waves a textbook, rousing the crowd. “We must reclaim the holy city of Washington!” he yells. The crowd responds with shouts of anger and agreement. “We must expel all the absurd and oppressive people, who seek to suppress our extremism with their extremism! For too long have they mocked us, ignoring the separation of church and state required by the US Constitution as if we wouldn’t even notice! We must rise up and take a stand!”
Recently, there has been a surge of atheist “church” gatherings, where non-believers gather for music, sermons, and cookies. “Forget the body and blood of Christ,” says atheist church-goer Bobby Anderson. “Cookies and beer are way better.” The movement, which began in the United Kingdom as something for atheists to do on Sunday mornings until restaurants opened for brunch, is now a worldwide phenomenon.
However, if history is any indicator, social movements often beget radicalism, and the atheist church movement is no exception. Many critics worry that leader Joseph Schmidt, who says he joined the movement mainly so he could have beer before noon on Sundays, has become an atheist militant. Under the influence of alcohol and undeniably logical arguments, Schmidt became appalled that the US Senate begins every session with a prayer, and that there are currently no openly-declared atheists in Congress.
“For centuries, atheists have been persecuted by followers of organized religions,” said Schmidt. “Now is our time to fight back! Our culture warriors fight tirelessly on YouTube and Reddit comment threads even now, and we won’t give up until the war is won!”
Atheist armies have already begun to gather around the country. Wielding very heavy bludgeon-like text books and armored in hybrid sedans, they gather in groups and then march towards our nation’s capital. Evangelical Baptist neighborhoods in Topeka, Kansas and Pulaski, Tennessee have reportedly been sacked by crusading atheists.
The military has begun to fortify Capitol Hill and the White House, preparing for the impending battle. However, various anonymous sources are reporting that the army may have already been infiltrated by atheists.