Posted on 26 January 2013.
SOUTH BEND, IN — It looks like Moses, Jesus, and Muhammad have some explaining to do. God does not exist, and an investigation launched by Notre Dame University on December 26th confirms the news. The investigation was initiated after there was no Christmas miracle and Manti Te’o failed to win the Heisman. All doubt was removed after the heathens from Alabama routed Notre Dame 42-10 in the BCS National Championship.
According to coach Brian Kelly, “Nobody is watching over us, not God, and not Touchdown Jesus. All of those possessions that he used to turn into touchdowns are now just punts and turnovers.”
The investigative team conducted interviews with prominent figures who have been previously associated with this so called “God.” Their stories fill up some of the holes in the Holy Book. The testimony of Job is especially illuminating. After having lived a righteous life, he was suddenly struck by calamity for no reason. Job argues, “If there were a God, there is no way I could have lost my house and my livestock.” Investigators found that his misfortune was not the work of God, but rather of George Michael Bluth in an effort to gain control of the family banana stand.
In order to determine all of the parties responsible for perpetuating this myth, Notre Dame officials have started to look inward to make sure all of their bases and domes are covered. A possible suspect is Knute Rockne, a former head coach who has made up stories about a sick son and about a hospital ridden football player called the Gipper. Another possibility is that Rudy Rudeger invented God to convince the team to let him on to the field for that one snap at the end of that one movie, I forget what it was called. A third suspect is former head coach and current ESPN analyst Lou Holtz. An audio analysis found shocking similarities between Holtz’s voice and the voice people imagine to belong to God.
Athletic director Jack Swarbrick summed up his feelings on the investigation, “Despite the fact that I am in charge of the football team, you should totally trust me when I say that the football team is in no way culpable for this. For you to even suggest that Knute, Rudy, or Lou would do such a thing saddens me. It saddens me in a way that gross negligence and rape accusations never could. How dare you question the mystique that is Notre Dame and the infallibility bestowed on us by the Pope!”
Reports that God faked his death and has reappeared in the form of a flying spaghetti monster in order to evade drug dealers are as of press time, unsubstantiated.
Posted in No. 98, Sports
Posted on 22 December 2012.
TOPEKA, KS — According to the latest polls conducted by The Flipside, a majority of Americans have thought to themsevles just why on earth a crazed gunman has yet to attack the Westboro Baptist Church. 52 percent of the respondents answered that they occasionally imagine a bloody rampage upon the group before any meaningful gun ownership regulations are put in place while a smaller 39 percent said that such quick, painless death is too good for the family of soulless maniacs.
One anonymous citizen who responded to the survey told Flipside pollsters that the fact that a higher power chose to let those children die while the vile, hateful morons are allowed to breathe the same air as us is “yet a proof that God is dead, probably shot by a semiautomatic rifle when a fallen angel went on a shooting spree.”
The Church, notorious for its protests of funerals, have recently announced that it will protest the vigil for the victims of the Sandy Hook shooting in which 28 people died.
9% of the respondents said that they did not know what the Westboro Baptist Church is. When explained that these are the people who protest funerals, most of them were heard muttering, “Oh, those assholes. How come they’re still alive?”
Posted in Nation, No. 96
Posted on 27 April 2012.
The “I Agree With Markwell” campaign has taken the Northwestern campus by storm. Here is a detailed breakdown of its pros and cons:
-It’s something to talk about instead of the bad weather.
-If you agree hard enough you get a free indulgence.
-Hipsters who are trying to be ironic and contrarian against the backlash to his campaign agree.
-Nary a soul has been lost on this campaign because they asked for directions, unlike that stubborn Moses.
-The campaign has its own posse or CRU.
-Campaign organizers have gotten to know Jesus in a very biblical sense.
-The campaign seems moderate when compared to Rick Santorum.
-The campaign didn’t get the endorsement of the Buddhist community.
-The campaign advocates cannibalism via drinking the blood and eating the body of their savior.
-The campaign admonishes poor people who beg to differ.
-Campaign organizers are getting crucified for having too much passion for the Christ.
-It’s too late, we already agree with John Calvin.
-Campaign organizers are descendants of Eve, the original sinner.
-They talk about saving our lives, yet bore us to death.
Posted in Local, No. 81, Opinion
Posted on 31 March 2012.
FRANKFORT, KY – Adam Curtis found new religious convictions Thursday when he noticed that the burn-marks on his toast formed the image of his lord and savior Jesus Christ. The “burn-marks,” however, later proved to be a new type of deadly fungus, since named Corpus devoratus.
“I was scramblin’ eggs while my toast was toastin’,” said Curtis, his eyes twinkling with his recently-discovered love of God, his cheeks black and decaying with the mold that will soon cause his death. “I forgot to take the toast out of the toaster, and it got burnt. But it was burnt with the fire of the Holy Spirit.”
“I don’t know where I’d be without that toast,” Curtis continued. He did agree, however, that he probably wouldn’t be in a bed in the Frankfort Regional Medical Center, with tubes pumping chemicals into his body to delay inevitable organ failure, nurses coming every hour to scrape the spreading mold off his skin and into biohazard containers, and a Bible clutched to his chest.
“I am glad to be here, though,” Curtis added. “God has shown me the light.” Curtis gestured to the fluorescent light in the ceiling, and continued, “I do not need my corporeal body any more. I have been transformed by this portentous bread. Some people say it’s just toast. The doctors say it was just toast contaminated by flesh-eating microbes. But I know it was toast infused with the divine trinity, a direct message from God to me.”
When Curtis’s heart-rate monitor began beeping quickly and loudly as the devilish mold began to devour its way into his veins, Curtis sighed contentedly, and asked, “Do you hear that? It’s a chorus of angels. I’ve never heard a more beautiful melody.” The monitor then switched to one steady, high-pitched tone.
Memorial services for Adam Curtis (1971 – 2012) will be held at the Good Shepherd Roman Catholic Church, Monday at 2:00.
Posted in Nation, No. 78, Sci/Tech
Posted on 25 October 2011.
HAMBURG, Holy Roman Empire – From the far West of Berlin to distant East Amsterdam, the entire world is up in arms over the hellfire hot new band The Flying Buttresses. With a repertoire full of popular ballads like “Hey You, Get off of My Pew,” “Us and Him,” and “I’ve Got 95 Theses but a Byzantine Ain’t One,” The Flying Buttresses are the most successful band in the Empire since The Painted Glass.
The Flying Buttresses have vaulted to the top of the charts thanks to young Bohemians and God. Bill, a blacksmith, is just one fan among the legions of TFB enthusiasts.
“These guys rock harder than my anvil,” quoth Bill. “They’re not afraid to go dark.”
“They’re totally bubonic,” Bill addeth.
The critics are also jumping on the Buttress wagon. Balthasar Hayworker, a serf known for his cast-iron pitchfork and acute taste, raves about such singles as “I Can See for Isles and Isles,” “Pumped Up Knickerbockers,” and “Smells Like the Holy Spirit.” The man on the corner holding a slate agrees.
But not all of the Empire has been converted to following the TFB. Horatio Hamburger, Hamburg’s eldest councilman, complained that The Flying Buttresses are just a bunch of rabblerousers.
“Kids these days,” quippeth Hamburger, 34.
Rumored titles on their next album include “Gaining My Religion,” “I’m Too Vaulted for My Ceiling,” “I’ll Meet You in the Vestibule (It’s Going Down),” and “Oh My God”
Posted in Entertainment, No. 65
Posted on 25 May 2011.
EVANSTON – Having failed to find a suitable replacement in time, Mayfest organizers have been forced to indefinitely postpone all 2011 Dillo Day events following the sudden, unexpected disappearance of headliner B.o.B. Following a press release from B.oB’s manager, it has become clear that the popular rapper was one of the approximately 200 million Christians lucky enough to be welcomed into the radiant embrace of the Lord Almighty, an outspoken fan of B.o.B’s breakthrough hit, “Airplanes.”
“Although we apologize for the inconvenience to Northwestern University,” Adrian Levy, President of Grand Hustle Records read in a prepared statement, “we hope that you will join us in wishing B.o.B all the best in his future endeavors. This is quite the career move.”
Students reacted to the news with varied degrees of disappointment and downright agony, their heathen souls already plagued by the forces of Satan prior to their destruction and eternal damnation.
“It’s torture! It’s inhumane!” shrieked sophomore Jackie Thomas. “Satan told [Battle of the Bands winner] whysowhite that they could play a double-set! Oh, God, my ears!”
Others expressed anger at rumors that B.o.B’s ascension into Paradise came at the expense of another, more deserving human who had to be left behind. To find the answers to their questions, the ascetics turned to Jesus.
Jesus, who has been personally overseeing the destruction of Earth, could be found sitting in Norbucks.
“Why must Liu Xiaobo languish in a cell while B.o.B frolics in a land of everlasting peace and joy?” local atheist Alex Mercer asked between debilitating stints in an iron maiden.
“Look,” Jesus replied coolly, “my dad’s been working almost 6000 years without a break. If he wants a private performance of “Nothin’ On You” for the rest of eternity, well, I think he’s earned some time off.”
Posted in Entertainment, No. 61
Posted on 06 April 2010.
CHICAGO—For you, I made it seventy degrees. Now you can wear that new skirt you’ve been waiting to show off since, oh, late August. I mean, seriously, that low cut is really cute and everyone is looking at you, babe.
What’s that you say an hour later? It’s raining and fifty? My bad. I can’t help but make it rain on them slightly flirtatious but ultimately shy NU girls. If it makes you feel better, I’ll throw in a little hail tonight.
Doesn’t it feel great to sit out by the rocks enjoying the sun while various couples make out around you because their love is too vast to be withheld inside and in private? I just wanted you to know how it feels so I can take added pleasure when I make it forty and raining next week. This is sadder than Kyle Rowley transferring from Northwestern.
You’re in my world now. If you don’t like it, you can move to Pandora. Oh, it doesn’t actually exist? That must make you clinically depressed.
There is nothing I enjoy more than giving you a taste of the good before I make it snow in April. Well, except for notifying the annoying census workers they will be jobless by the end of the year. That is something you can count on.
Posted in No. 32, Opinion, Uncategorized
Posted on 22 May 2009.
EVANSTON—Several members of the Northwestern Women’s Lacrosse Team, who (hopefully) just won their fifth national championship in as many years, are able to turn water into wine and perform other miracles, according to several sources close to the team.
“We went to a party to celebrate the championship,” said senior leader Hannah Nielsen, “but it was already dry. Luckily, that’s no problem for us. They fetched us some tap water, and the party really got started.” Attendees of the party were amazed at the quality of the wine, and the iridescent rays of light that beamed down upon the team as they performed the miracle.
Later, team members were seen playing a quick pickup game of lacrosse on top of Lake Michigan. “They were just running and jumping on top of the water like Jesus or something,” said passing sophomore Jacob Herman, “I’ve never seen anything like it.”
God, creator of the universe, was equally impressed by the team’s impressive feats. “Yeah, I created the world in seven days,” explained the benevolent deity, “but five straight national championships? From a Midwest school? Are you kidding me?”
With the lacrosse season out of the way, the team should have more free time for personal matters. “I’m planning on ending world hunger, myself,” explained team member Katrina Dowd, “but everyone has their own goals. I think Hannah [Nielsen] mentioned dying for our sins or something, whatever that means.”
Posted in Local, Sports