EVANSTON — Northwestern’s Panhellenic Association made changes to the sorority recruitment process prior to Preview Day this Sunday. Delta Delta Delta Delta Chapter President Kate Denning said, “More and more girls are going Greek, and chapters are changing how they look at their future sisters. Ten years ago, even a brunette would get a bid from Quad-Delt, but now that approximately 40% of girls here are Greek, we’re raising our standards.”

Sororities are adding new elements to the rush process, such as a race to the frat quad in five-inch heels (extra points for stilettos, wedges are cheating), and not eating any cookies the entire week of recruitment. While the ability to complete these tasks were once only seen in ideal girls, these are now becoming standard qualities.

Weinberg freshman Kylie Higgins said, “I though Greek life at NU would be a little more relaxed than the sororities at Southern state schools, but it might even be more intense. I heard at one house, you have to take a hundred question written test that includes questions about group Halloween costumes, low calorie lattes, and new things to put letters on besides ear-warmers. I’ve been studying, but I don’t know if it’ll be enough.”

Quad-Delt isn’t alone in its efforts. Zeta Alpha Zeta is planning to measure blondeness (on a scale of Gwen Stefani to Jennifer Aniston) and, because of Northwestern’s academic reputation, how long it takes to complete a Harry Potter Sporcle quiz.

Chapter President Laura Paine said, “While some may think these extra measures are harsh, we’re really trying to be inclusive while getting the best from what the class of 2016 has to offer. The last thing we’re trying to do is bring affirmative action into it.”

In a recent miscommunication, Greece sent 100,000 gyros to Germany to avoid debt default. After confusing the delicious pita wraps for the currency, the Greeks remain unashamed.

“We heard the chancellor needed a payment, but we didn’t understand why she wanted to be paid in gyros,” Prime Minister Lucas Papademos said. “After giving it some thought, however, I got it. I have never said no to a lamb sandwich.”

The souvlaki industry was suddenly under a lot of pressure to complete this task in such a short amount of time. Still, being the most capable sector of the Greek economy, the meat producers pulled it off with ease.

“Luckily, cucumbers were on sale at the market, so the tzatziki wasn’t an issue.  My godmother’s aunt’s brother’s cousin is a butcher, so he pitched in for meat,” said gyro-maker Yianni Papadoupoulakis.

The government is now scrambling to make up for their error. They are hoping to turn this mistake into a positive solution.

“Really, Germany should just pay us for all those gyros,” Papademos said. “They were made possible by the world-famous Greek work ethic, and they deserve to be eaten and paid for. Then we can just use those Euros to pay them back. Problem solved.”

EVANSTON – Following last week’s announcement that popular fraternity Chi Psi (“Lodge”) has been indefinitely shut down, many alumni have begun filling out asylum applications to third-world countries in a pre-emptive move to avoid prosecution.

“They didn’t even tell us what we did,” one brother noted, referring to a vague letter published by the fraternity’s national council, “so it’s got to be really fucking bad. I don’t think we killed anyone, but my January’s a bit of blur.”

Reportedly, the refugees have so far been welcomed with open arms in Mogadishu, where many former brothers have already begun accepting bids from a litany of factions.

“With their shadowy, enigmatic rituals, as well as their pervasive degradation of women, I really felt at home in the al-Shabaab house,” Christopher Grant III reported by satellite. “Still, it’s not an easy decision. The Salafists have a wicked beer-pong table in the basement.”

When asked why they were willing to uproot and move to a new country for the final years of their education, most Lodge alumni cited a core experience not un-similar to what Northwestern’s Interfraternity Council council delivers.

“The fraternity experience is about brotherhood, leadership, and community, yes?” Militant leader Ayman al-Zawahiri explained. “We have this! Our men are blood-brothers, the undisputed leaders of their towns, and constantly engage with their community!” A blast rocked the frame of Zawahiri’s camera. “You see? They engage the community now!”

“Admittedly, this isn’t where I saw myself ending up,” Grant disclosed, his face lightly caked with dirt and blood. “Still, Northwestern only gave me two housing options, and this sure as hell beats living in Plex.”

5:52 PM – Weekend time! Got my midterms behind me and an awesome weekend with absolutely zero responsibility ahead of me! Time to celebrate! Whooooooo!

6:23 PM – Celebrating with Hot Cookie Bar at Allison! God damn that tastes good! This is what college is all about, right here! Who needs the Greek system anyways?

7:13 PM – Just getting a little History homework out of the way, then it’s party time!

7:56 PM – Here we go! Swiped a miniature of Jack from my parents over break, and I’ve been saving it for a special occasion! 50 mL of liquid fun, baby!

7:58 PM – Okay, I spit up the first sip, but now everything’s fine. I poured the rest of the miniature into a bottle of Coke; I should be drunk soon, right?

8:05 PM – Holy shit! Netflix has Spaced now?!? This night keeps getting better and better!

8:06 PM – You know what would make a Spaced marathon even better? Easy Mac.

8:42 PM – Oh, god, I forgot about the cookies. My stomach.

8:51 PM – I really don’t want to stop watching; would my roommate judge me for taking my laptop into the bathroom?

8:53 PM – My roommate’s AEPi. Hello from the bathroom!

9:21 PM – Haha, I love this show!

10:32 PM – Did I remember to wash my hands…?

1:14 AM – It’s kind of quiet in here.

1:15 AM – I’m lonely.

1:31 AM – Curing seasonal depression with Minecraft. I’ve almost finished my scale-replica of Mordor!

1:35 AM – Forgot how fucking boring this game is. I’m going to bed.

EVANSTON — With doomsday approaching at the end of 2012, people and communities are desperately seeking ways to do good and collect some positive karma. Northwestern University’s Panhellenic Association (PHA) is no exception. At the last Greek Life Summit, the Panhellenic board decreed that the sororities had to diversify their new pledge class, encouraging them to select members that are drastically different from the existing sisters. When asked if they believed the chapters would find this new law difficult to execute, PA representative Maggie Fayk responded, “Not at all! The girls have always wanted to reach out to the less fortunate.”

With very unique standards and stereotypes to dispel, each sorority is targeting a specific crowd. Some, however, have it harder than others. Alpha Theta Kappa are recruiting members that weigh 91 pounds rather than adhering to their usual crowd of 90 pound ladies. “We are so excited to finally have overweight in our family,” says Theta sister Barbie Jenson.

Other sororities are working towards making the Greek system more colorful. Delta Delta Delta Deltas are now welcoming strawberry blondes instead of the standard bleached-out types, and the “Dizzies” are starting to accept girls with a 2.0 GPA or higher.

Panhellenic will be awarding the sorority with the most diverse pledge class with wholegrain, fat-free donuts. “Our girls are so excited for this. It’s been a while since they had carbs,” says president of Kappa Gamma. Rumor has it that Delta Kappa is a strong contender for the prize, having recruited the president’s homosexual brother. The winner will be announced this Friday on the Northwestern PA website.

BREAKING: Reports are coming in saying that the decree for diversity does not extend from recruitment into the pledging process. Sources say that new pledges of Alpha Theta Kappa will be told to lose a pound.

EVANSTON – In an effort to get students to join their social club, Northwestern’s fraternities and sororities did not interact across the gender divide during rush week. Promising a better social life, fraternity members spent the week eating with a bunch of other guys, engaging in all-male sumo wrestling, and abstaining from alcohol.

Occasionally, students were granted admittance to a fraternity, resulting in a bunch of guys running outside, touching each other in close quarters, and singing songs. McCormick Freshmen John Smith was one such new member.

“It was like a mosh pit at a concert, but without all the punk-rock chicks,” Smith said. “It was awesome. One of the best moments of my life,” he added.

Sororities also spent the entire week engaging on dispassionate girl-on-girl flirting to demonstrate the desirability of their social situation. Many sisters put on skits to show how fun and attractive they are.

The Greek girls were able to show off their superior social skills gained from being in a sorority, such as the knack for learning hometowns, majors, and campus activities. By doing this in a systematic manner, according to Quad-Delt president Hannah Andreasen, sororities show freshmen they really know how to meet people naturally and make friends.

All of this culminates in a celebratory party with people of the same sex and a bunch of secret, cool rituals, the likes of which have not been seen by freshmen since day camp.
“I can’t wait until my friends at home see how cool I am,” said Smith, referring to the 80 new same-sex friends he added on Facebook.

“I even heard there is a night when we get to sing and dance with girls,” whispers Smith, wearing his new fraternity t-shirt filled with Sharpied-on inside jokes to be promptly forgotten about.

EVANSTON—A new fraternity has recently joined the 17 nationally-recognized fraternities at Northwestern. Informally dubbed the “Hipster Frat,” the organization is currently unnamed. According to president Hudson Tyler, undecided Weinberg junior, frat names are too “mainstream” for the group.

The fraternity claims that with its laid-back atmosphere it will offer an
“alternative” experience at a college where everyone on North Campus except the Slivka kids are involved in Greek life.

With a toss of his unwashed bangs, member Charles Kingston assured that the frat won’t haze pledges. New members will, however, be expected to get ironic tattoos. Kingston then pointed to a tattoo of a connect-the-dots puzzle in the shape of a flying giraffe emblazoned on his protruding hip.

Last week, a Flipside writer was invited into the frat house, ostensibly because of her small frame and ambiguous ethnicity. The presence of a reporter was apparently a point of contention within the group; as Jude Winthrop, a Jazz Studies and Gender Studies double major, explained, “We want to be underground; we don’t want this piece to make us well known, but we also don’t want to be like one of pretentious secret societies at Harvard. It’s tough.”

Tyler told a Flipside writer that the house is off campus, in a part of Evanston that hasn’t yet been “gentrified.” Upon entering the frat house, our writer documented scattered Threadless t-shirts, worn-out Chuck Taylors and posters of bands no one has ever heard of. When our writer noticed a stack of Urban Outfitters catalogs, one brother nervously pushed them aside, claiming the guys who live in the building fill their wardrobes strictly with vintage clothing. The house, which runs on solar energy, also has an organic garden complete with compost, where brothers can feel environmentally elite for picking their own fruits and vegetables.

To the question of his conformity to the subculture, Tyler vehemently denied the accusation, saying “What? No, man, I’m not one of those fucking hipsters.”

Offended, he then placed neon DJ headphones over his ears and returned to reading Pitchfork.com on his iPad.

EVANSTON—This Monday, freshmen poured into Norris for the Activities Fair, a time-worn Northwestern tradition in which members of the incoming class sign away their inboxes to listserv upon listserv in exchange for free candy. The entire Class of 2013 was successfully crammed into the student center, effectively causing what administrators called “a fire code nightmare.”

Some freshmen, however, decided to turn the close-quarters situation into their advantage. Casually walking past the “Germ”any Disease Association, young freshmen like Jeff Lerman moved uncomfortably close to the cute girls walking in front of him.

Lerman, who (unbeknownst to his high-school friends) has not gotten any action during Welcome Week, said, “My left thigh definitely rubbed against that girl’s right butt cheek.”

“I always knew I was going to get so much ass at Northwestern,” Lerman added.

Several females reported feeling a variety of different grips on their derrières during the event. Recent case studies demonstrate that backhanding was incredibly popular. Although forehanding provides a more satisfying squeeze, males cite reasons to use the backhand as “it’s less obvious” and “it’s classier.”

The tables were turned around the Rainbow Alliance booth, however, where several males reported uncomfortable brush-bys, if not all-out grind-fests.

Another victim, Rachel Berzon, was violated many times in her Joe’s Jeans. She explains, “Right around the Lithuanian Group of Native Americans Against Gambling, I thought somebody was trying to pickpocket me. I turned around, readied my mace, and saw that it was only an ugly freshman smiling uncontrollably and pretending it wasn’t his hand that was just touching my rump.”

Since cute girls travel in packs, Rachel’s equally cute friend had a myriad of Purell-less and possibly swine flu-infected hands on her tookus. Eve, a devout prude, has not been this disappointed since the March Through the Arch. She stated, “If I wanted that stuff, I would just go Greek.”