WASINGTON—The former Vice-President has led an outspoken life after completing his second term in January. There is little doubt that he has been critical of the Democratic majority, particularly of President Obama’s decision to close Guantanamo Bay. He was heavily opposed to Obama’s new health care plan as well, until he learned of government “death panels.”

“These new death panels,” Dick Cheney told The Flipside in an exuberant state, “will do great things for the American people. It will finally give government the power to decide who is worthy and who is not.” Cheney has volunteered to lead the death panels, calling himself “truly worthy” of such an important government position.

Most Republicans use the forthcoming death panels, which were totally included in the proposed legislation, as an example of the unconstitutional nature of the proposed reform. Cheney questions this argument. “Not in the Constitution? The Constitution can absolutely be interpreted in such a way that gives government the power to decide if someone lives or dies. If you ask me, we need to start using that power…I need to start using that power.”

Cheney says that once he is appointed Grand Master of the death panels, he will begin to rid the country of terrorists, the sick, the elderly, and anyone else he deems unworthy. “Basically,” explains Cheney, “anyone who fails the panel will have to go hunting with me, if you catch my drift.”

WASHINGTON—After learning that the disease often contracted in the spring, March Madness, was not covered in America’s health care plan for millions of citizens, President Obama decided action was necessary.

At a press conference earlier today, The President addressed the issue, “This is a serious problem. We need to change the system. I know this disease affects real folks, myself included, and it is important to make this a priority.”

March Madness is an extremely contagious disease, most prevalent in males. Side effects include painting your face and body, insanity, and a tendency to neglect bodily functions. It is extremely dangerous because there is a new strain every year, making the disease even more unpredictable.

President Obama moved this issue to the top of his priority list, having already begun to draft a bill fixing the issue. The bill will stipulate that all citizens have the right to a March Madness treatment called “There’s always next year.” He is also expected to include a clause granting him unlimited re-do’s on his bracket.