EVANSTON—In high school, a hickey was a mark of shame to be covered up discreetly with pounds of makeup or a well-placed scarf. In college, many young women are finding that the only way to get a guy is if he thinks you already have gotten plenty beforehand.

This shift has been a phenomenon which sociologists and playboy photographers alike have been busy investigating in great depth. “Nobody wants to be a girl’s first anymore,” said senior A.J. Thomson. “That whole virginal thing is, like, seriously messed up. If you aren’t her first, she won’t remember you, so there’s no stage-five clingage later,” Thomson added.

The age-old excuse for those mysterious Monday-morning marks was that they were the product of a wayward hair-straightener rather than the cute guy who sits behind you in math. However, in this day and age, the straightener has gone from a scapegoat to Samaritan, becoming a way for a girl to prove herself in a new community of wannabe sluts.

The burning trend is one many girls have embraced after seeing the positive results it yields. “Let’s face it,” sophomore Liz Spearson told The Flipside, “Northwestern isn’t exactly hookup central. But that doesn’t mean we don’t have the same needs as our state-school counterparts. Sometimes you just want to get a guy. By giving yourself a few hair-straightener hickeys while actually straightening your hair before going out, you increase those odds by at least 50%.” When you look at the fact that Northwestern’s population is mostly female, the impetus toward such competitive behavior becomes clear.

The process may be painful—some girls had to quit after a few months after realizing that singeing the same spot over and over will lead to very unattractive-looking marks—but results don’t lie.

“I used to hook up with guys maybe once a week, and that didn’t come without a lot of work and name-dropping about the other guys I’d been with. Now, I have my pick, and I don’t need to tell them the details of my sex life. I’ve gotten with at least seven guys since I started burning myself a few weeks ago.” Spearson added. It seems that the best way to hot action is also the most literal.

EVANSTON—Weinberg freshman Joe Krawson disappointed his high school graduating class on Monday when he received a failing grade on his macro-economics midterm exam, earning only 23 points out of a possible 50. Only 6 months prior, the 382 seniors of Krawson’s Washburn High School in San Diego, California had voted him the male student “most likely to succeed.”

In his position as senior class president at Washburn, Krawson was well-liked for reducing detentions by 40% and for planning “the best prom on a boat Washburn’s ever had,” according to yearbook committee chair Kari Aleckstaf. Along with his accomplishments in student government, she gives credit for the win to his career drive and strong resume. “He interned at an investor bank or whatever last summer. I think his dad’s on the board. They have really nice alcohol at their house.”

On campus at Northwestern, Krawson has continued a tradition of public service, despite faltering academically. “His ‘Chill for the Children’ smoke-in benefit event last week raised nearly $200 for charity, and he’s been very successful as our vice-treasurer-at-arms” said fellow Pi Kappa Alpha member Kyle Carter. “He’s definitely going places.” Other brothers expressed their agreement, saying “That dude’s awesome,” and “Have you seen his Beamer? It’s sick!”

Krawson himself declined a full interview with The Flipside. When asked about the situation, his only comment was “Westside, bitches,” with an accompanying hand gesture.

As for the failing mark on the midterm, it appears that Krawson will be appealing for a regrade. “He sent me an email last night expressing his dissatisfaction,” said Teaching Assistant Kelly Wu. “I think he might have been trying to offer sexual favors for a better grade, but there were a lot of misspellings and the whole thing was generally pretty jumbled, so I’m not sure.”

Dear Northwestern Flipside,

All of my friends are already home from school. Will I ever get to go home?

Your number one fan,
Randolph K. Hassenpfeffer

Well, Randy (I’m going to call you Randy whether you like it or not), the answer is quite simple: NO. You are in fact stuck here until you graduate. There is a secret clause in the housing agreement stating that all students are forbidden from being at home for more than a month while their high school friends are also out of school. To enforce this, small explosives have been woven into all Northwestern apparel. If you remain in your hometown with any acquaintances you knew before entering Northwestern, the explosives will arm. The only way to keep them from detonating is to return to campus. You will be confined to an isolation room in the 28th sub-basement of Tech until you have received at least 5 text messages from friends at home asking if you want to hang out, at which point you will be released and enrolled in four sections of organic chemistry until your brain melts and you forget what your home even looks like.

-Want to Ask The Flipside a question? Email your question to agresik@northwesternflipside.com