BOSTON, MA — A report released by the group Statistics Teachers for American Territories and States (STATS) reveals that under 10% of American high school graduates can draw “anything close to a fucking bell curve.”
The report, which uses data gathered from standardized testing conducted during the 2012-2013 school year, is entitled “Students Can’t Draw a Symmetrical Goddamn Curve.” The report demonstrates that “Bell Curve Degeneracy,” a metric developed exclusively for the report, increased from 0 to 307 between 2008 and 2012. “You shit-for-brains hippy journalists wouldn’t understand how we measure BCD if it licked you in the eyeballs, so I’m not going to waste my time,” said STATS President Muhammad Rosenthal, who teaches introductory statistics at Charlie Chaplin High School in Duluth, Georgia. “Just read the report, jackasses.”
The report, which is 30 pages long and has very few pictures, proved too daunting for the entire Flipside staff.
Maurice Beck, who teaches AP Statistics at Evanston Township High School, said, “Holy shit, these brats I teach. Un-goddamn-believable. I guess that today’s public school art teachers are apparently so damn incompetent and up their own asses that our students can’t draw the line which forms the basis of every fucking thing that we learn in our classes. Doesn’t surprise me one bit. You jackasses don’t know how important statistics are, but you’re going to see. You’re all going to see when the time comes. There’ll be nowhere to hide.”
Bertha Hernandez, who teaches statistics at the Lycée Français La Pérouse in San Francisco, stated “Mes élèves, ils disent, ‘C’est difficile! C’est ennuyeux!’ Et alors? Pas d’une personne peut faire une vie avec le succès et l’argent s’il ne sait pas la mode de dessiner un une function gaussien!” The Flipside was unable to translate.
The report came a week after a similar report issued by the Guild of European History Teachers, published during their annual Diet of Albuquerque, which outlined increasing student inability to draw a basic map of the continent Europe. José Hermanowitz, the lead author of the report and a European History teacher at Phillips Exeter Academy, said “How in tarnation am I expected to teach these good-for-nothing rascals about the Reformation when they can barely remember to show that Sardinia is smaller than Sicily? It just ain’t damn possible.”
Rosenthal, who also teaches AP Physics, hinted at a future report which would reveal that American students are increasingly unable to draw perfect circles.