RENO, NV — Following the outbreak of a mysterious virus causing zombie-like symptoms in the infected, former bank teller Jack Manson has become one of many survivors to embrace the hot new career of “Zombie Hunter”, drawn in by the promise of action, glamour, and the increasingly likely possibility of disemboweling smug celebrities.

“It’s abso-fuckin’-lutely awesome!” Manson exclaimed. “If you had told me just two months ago that I’d get to shove a shotgun into Bono’s mouth and tell him to go fuck himself before blowing his undead brains onto the wall, I’d have told you that you were nuts! It’s been my dream for 20 years!” Manson reported that he has gotten to meet many more famous reanimated corpses in the time since, and occasionally stops to pose for photos before unloading hot leaden fury.

“Let me show you my celebrity scrapbook!” Manson exclaimed like a giddy child. Rather than pull a photo album from a drawer, however, he removed a cooler from his freezer, and began to sort through various rotting appendages. “Let’s see… here’s Paul McCartney’s arm… Martin Scorsese’s head… Hitler’s only testicle…” Manson grinned from ear to ear:

“That was a fun one.”

Manson expressed his love for the state of anarchy that has fully penetrated nearly all developed nations worldwide.

“You’d think there’d be guidelines or somethin’ about how we have to kill the zombies; that we gotta be humane or shit like that, or that we gotta make sure they’re actually undead. Nope. Last night I shot Kanye West; he looked completely healthy to me, but I never could stand that self-involved little shit!” At this point, Manson cut the interview short, saying that he had “big plans” for the next morning.

“Rumor’s goin’ around that Glenn Beck’s infected!” Manson announced gleefully. “So I gotta get there early-there’s bound to be a line. This one’s been a long time coming, and I think that anyone with half a brain left has a bit of a bone to pick with mister Beck!” Manson walked over to his tool shed, emerging moments later with a variety of weapons:

“Which do you think that pig deserves more, the rusty mace or the jalapeño enema?”

EVANSTON—With April 20th looming, as every year, just on the heels of April 19, vending machines across the country are being restocked and fortified against the impending onslaught of stoners who “could really go for some Ho-Hos right now.” In dorm buildings and break rooms everywhere, vending machine companies are seeking to prepare themselves for the sudden demand for their services that occurs every year on Hitler’s birthday, knowing full well that insufficient preparation could lead to disaster.

It is widely believed in the vending machine industry that, if a shortage of snack-sized junk food were to occur, the resulting turmoil would cause bank software to reset to the year zero, effectively ending modern society as we know it. “Forget the Y2K Bug,” says industry analyst C. Frito McPherson, “the 420 Bug is a reality and it is something that the vending machine industry has fought to prevent for years. Personally, I keep a stash of premium single-serving snacks in a special shelter behind my house. Should we fail, heaven forbid, to meet the demands of the baked masses on 4/20, I’ll be ready. You should be too.”

To prevent mass panic as awareness of the potential for vending machine failure spreads, the Discovery Channel has announced that a special episode of Survivor Man will be created, in which Les Stroud will have to navigate a simulated, post-4/20 wasteland. Frito-Lay and Hostess will also be providing complementary vending machine supplement packs in high-risk areas.