Simons said this morning that he just couldn’t stand the pressure of the Northwestern a cappella world. “Nothing was working. We tried these new costumes, more hip thrusts, more witty banter… hell, we even started incorporating underground pieces like Jason Mraz’s acoustic album and John Mayer’s material from back when he played jazzy guitar. I noticed, though, that everyone was talking about the show Glee. That’s when the idea hit me: maybe everyone loves a kid in a wheelchair.”

Heather Matthews, although disapproving of John’s method of brutality, does agree that the pressure was getting crazy. “The competition is grueling. I mean, Thunk goes to the third world every summer, Freshman 15 has that Nick Carter kid who was infamous before he even arrived here, and I hear Extreme Measures is adding another beat boxer that can even make two distinct sounds. Sometimes you just want to get an edge.”

Simons said he got the idea after Brown Sugar forced a member to get a voice-change operation and regressive hormone therapy to resemble the homosexual student on Glee and a member of Thunk reversed her nose job to resemble the lead actress of the TV program.

“The kids on Glee say their success is in their eccentricities. It’s clear, then, that what we need to do is try to be exactly like them. At NU, if we have to get major surgery to accomplish some eccentricity, we’re gonna do it,” Simons said.

Norton will be bound to a wheelchair for the rest of his life but his hopes for this year´s a cappella season are high.

“Like, dude,” area Netflix user Ben Mellon told The Flipside, “not seeing “Harold and Kumar” on 4/20 totally messes with my chi. That one scene where they get the White Castle burgers is sweeeeet.”
Netflix spokesman Adam Field offered an explanation for the shortage of DVDs. “We usually get spikes like this around the time of the year a movie becomes relevant. Two weeks ago, as Easter approached, The Passion of the Christ was in high demand. Last week, during sex week, I’d like to see you try to find a copy of Muffy the Vampire Layer. These things happen.”

Stoners have found various ways to cope with the loss of their cult classic. Mellon explained that his girlfriend had received Milk from Netflix. “I tried to get high and watch, but that shit was dull. Made me real thirsty, too. Mmm. Milk.”

Another pair of stoners were admitted to Evanston Hospital after they attempted to ride a cheetah, imitating a famous scene from the film. After failing to find a cheetah, they attempted to ride a car instead. They are in critical but stable condition and are expected to remain in the hospital for the next couple of days.

By Dan Mnemonic

Kevin Soter is a student at Northwestern University. He lives in Willard. It is for these reasons you should vote for him.

Counterpoint: If You’re a Voter, Don’t Pick Soter

By Hans Sardine

Doris McKenzie (83) was hospitalized last month with a serious, but curable lung illness. Doctors thought the prognosis was good for the mother of 3, grandmother of 11. Kevin Soter had other ideas. While Mrs. McKenzie was healing, Soter snuck into the hospital and, in cold blood, pulled out her breathing tube. She died in only 42 minutes. Unfortunately, thanks to fancy lawyering, Soter was sentenced to only 9 months probation.

But what is more depressing is the harsh aftermath of Soter’s crime. Mrs. McKenzie’s children were unable to pay back the bank, who had recently loaned her $500,000 for a new house. The failure to pay back this loan sent the bank so far in the red that they were forced to shut down. This set off a chain reaction, as other banks were forced to shut down, causing the financial crisis we are in today. So, when you’re dad gets laid off from work and you have to transfer to Amy Winehouse Community College because it’s all you can afford, you know who is to blame: Kevin Soter.

But after destroying the world economy, Soter decided to attack a larger target: Willard’s precious test files. His campaign for Academic Chair has already been marked by scandal: early last week, evidence was found linking him to known terrorist Anant Shah. Shah, the most actively sought member of the FBI’s Top 10 Most Wanted (See Room 515) and member of fringe organization American Emissaries for Truth, was reportedly working with Soter to send 3 tons of Uranium to Shepard. Is this traitor really a man we can trust? Moreover, videos of Soter have been uncovered in which he shouts all kinds of racial slurs, ranging from “#$&*” to “@#$%*&.”

Finally, even if these questions of character have not done enough to sway you, consider this: Soter’s roommate, Sam Fansler (who wished to remain anonymous), successfully stole his room keys and hid them in another student’s room. Soter, even after hours of looking, was unable to procure the keys. If this kind of ineptitude marks Soter’s personal life, how exactly can he handle the position of Academic Chair for this esteemed dormatory? Kevin Soter lost his keys. What will he do with your test files?

Let’s never find out.