ATLANTA—Rapper T.I. helped coax a suicidal man down from a hotel roof in midtown Atlanta on Wednesday, the Associated Press reported.

One correspondent on the scene was able to listen to the conversation that took place between the hip-hop star and the would-be jumper. The following is a transcript of the exchange:

T.I.: What up? What’s haapnin’???

Man: Not much. Ummmm…I’m standing on the ledge of a roof. I’m gonna jump and kill myself.

T.I.: Why you wanna go and do that?

Man: Because I hate my life. I wrote a suicide note, I’ve got it right here. Want me to read it to you??

T.I.: Uh go ‘head. Go ‘head.

(The man reads the note)

Man: That’s why. I’m sick of living a horrible life. I probably live the most miserable, awful, tragic life anyone’s ever lived.

T.I.: Hey, whatchu know about that?

Man: Me??? What do YOU know about having a bad life? You’re a famous rapper.

T.I.: Hey, I know all about that.

Man: Really? I don’t think so. I mean, I’m broke, depressed, addicted to drugs, a felon, and diabetic. And I live in downtown Atlanta. If you can even THINK of anything worse that could be on that list, I would be very impressed.

T.I.: Dead and gone.

Man: Whatever. Contrary to what you think, I would be much better off “dead and gone.” And you didn’t even sing that. It was that Timberlake guy.

It was at this point that pop singer Rihanna showed up and tried to convince the man to come down as well.

Man: Rihanna??? What the hell???

Rihanna: Just live your life.

Man: Wow. You know…I’ve never really thought about it that way before. I’m still not totally sure I want to come down though…my life sucks pretty bad…

T.I.: You can have whatever you like.

Man: Really??? Okay, I’ll be down in a sec.

After the man was escorted down from the ledge, he had a brief talk with T.I. in the lobby of the building before being taken to the hospital by Atlanta police.

When asked by the press what the most convincing part of T.I.’s appeal had been, the man replied, “You know how we talked in the lobby afterwards? He gave me like a half pound of weed. Seriously, it was a shit-ton. He’s a very convincing man.”

TAMPA—Northwestern Wildcat fans everywhere were given bad news today as they learned that the 8-4 football team has backed out of the Outback Bowl. The decision was made following Coach Pat Fitzgerald’s call to sit 3 running backs out of the game. “With all our backs out, we have no choice but to back out of the Outback bowl,” Fitzgerald said in a New Year’s Day press release.

One NU running back was ruled out after he got lost inside the parking garage behind Northwestern’s Tampa hotel. A second accidentally traveled to Australia, taking the bowl’s name a little too literally. A third ruptured a disk during practice the day before the game. “We have a sticky running back situation,” said Fitzgerald, “one back is out back, another back is out in the Outback, and a third back threw out his back the day before the Outback.”

Fitzgerald explained that although going to Tampa for nothing was hard on his team, there is still hope. “We went out to the Outback and back, but don’t count us out. We’ll be back.” He then dismissed the reporters to attend the postseason barbecue by saying, “As for questions, when you’re out, there’s baby back out back. Don’t hold back, pig out!”

Northwestern hopes that if they cannot return to the Outback Bowl, that they will at least make the Insight bowl in Phoenix. “The Insight is in sight,” said Fitzgerald, “but only if we incite sightings of great play.”