PHOENIX, ARIZONA—The Arizona police department released a statement yesterday saying that an addition of 3 million dollars will supplement the police budget in order to improve the racial profiling skills of its officers. This spending increase comes on the heels of SB1070, which requires officers to ask for papers from anyone they suspect of being an illegal immigrant.

According to Governor Jan Brewer, “The program will have very similar goals as the program that enabled the Department of Homeland Security to stop all of those turban-wearing terrorists from boarding our planes.”

When asked what the effort would entail, chief of police Roger Brown answered that the primary addition would be coursework that would help “refine our prejudices and make sure our first impressions and stereotypes are up to modern standards. The stereotype of the immigrant fresh from the border holding a taco and wearing a sombrero is no longer accurate. Chimichangas and Yankee caps are now what’s chic for the illegal alien population.”

Officers from other states are even clamoring to sign up. Longtime citizen and self-professed American hero Chuck Smith from Alabama claims: “Racial profiling has been a hidden but essential component in American patriotism. I am happy to see that my deep-seated hate of people who don’t like Nascar and Mountain Dew has been correct all along. My services are needed here in the great state of Arizona. I look to further hone my illegal-alien-hatin’ skills and get ‘er done.”

When asked if the curriculum would comply with the 14th Amendment, an audible groan and a mumbled, “damn, forgot about that one” followed by an “I thought that only applied to slavery” was heard from the governor’s desk.

FORT KENT, ME—In a stunning turn of events from the White House this past week, the president has been partially pulled back to the border debates of yesteryear with the latest in the shocking development that yet another Canadian had made it past the notorious 5 foot stretch between Canada and the US known in some circles as “The Maple Express.”

This is the first time in this millennium that one of our “snowy brethren” from the north has made it past the treacherous pass, a fault blamed largely on their genetically predisposed inability to make it 2 yards without free medication. Since Canadians were invented in 1972, American scientists have been hard at work on methods to both keep out and at the same time steal from the people of “Americas Hat.”

Policy makers on both sides of the gap have sought to come up with explanations for this recent surge, but so far the motives remain unclear. One possible example might be national outrage at the Canadian showing in the curling event at the recent Winter Games.

A loss of such magnitude may very well provoke the Canadian supporters to jump ship onto the country with the winning sweepers. Said sub sweeper Gordon Lepepin of the showing: “We let our country down a bit, eh. I’m sure both of the viewers back home will be at least a little disappointed”. The government has tried to gauge the effects of the loss on these viewers. This may prove a little difficult; however, seeing as 50% of that number has since crossed the border and is therefore out of Canadian legal jurisdiction.  

This development is frightening, and it may even prompt the president to appoint another guard to the entirety of America’s northern border. Such an addition would bring number up to an unprecedented one and a half, cutting the workload of that cripple with a gun in Maine in half.