By Richard M. Daley, Former Mayor of Chicago

First, I need to thank the journalists. Your utter complacency and lack of fortitude has allowed me to complete my 22-year tenure without a single earth-shattering revelation of absolute corruption or depravity that could have marred this otherwise immaculate career.

I mean, fuck, people! This is Illinois! This is Chicago! I bought out the last honest politician twenty years ago! Yeah, that’s right, I’ve been skimming funds since day one, but you’re not supposed to let me get away with it! We’ve been doing the same dance since my daddy helped the mafia elect JFK, so why you gotta go and fuck with it now?

I skim enough from the coffers to run a third-world country; you find out and get all indignant that it’s somehow happening again; I spend a couple months in a minimum-security resort-prison; you watch a shitty Lifetime Original Movie about the ordeal, and I get to sail off into the sunset on my 50-foot yacht!

I mean, how could you not get me back in ’04?!? Blagojevich and I made Tammany Hall look like the fuckin’ Vatican! And the whole time; unencrypted emails, phone records, hotel receipts, the whole fucking nine yards! I put my own head on a silver platter for you dipshits, and if even a single one of you had bothered calling the Tribune, you could’ve won a Pulitzer, and I could have finally gotten a break from this goddawful job.

Rahm, if you’re reading this, know that you have my full blessing. May your scandals be discreet and non-treasonous. I’ll see you at the indictment, good buddy. But try not to take too long; I promised my son he’d get to be mayor too.

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Northwestern’s loss to Missouri in the Alamo Bowl has brought about criticism of the team’s kicker. After failing to kick a field goal and extra point, Mizzou was able to bring the game to overtime. Northwestern failed to match Mizzou’s touchdown, which gave NU its sixth straight bowl loss. There are some, however, who are not willing to blame only the NU kicker.

Several Illinois politicians have accused Governor Rod Blagojevich of influencing Northwestern’s loss. Illinois State Representative Bob Biggins sees an uncanny resemblance in NU’s loss to Blagojevich’s selling of Obama’s U.S. Senate seat. Biggins told The Flipside, “It’s clear Blagojevich was involved here. No one misses extra points! The only explanation can be that the kicker was bribed by Blagojevich. Mizzou must have then been contacted by Blagojevich, who was willing to sell the kicker’s foot.”

Many understand how a field goal can be missed, even in a dome. What makes Blagojevich’s involvement likely is the missed one point conversion. “It became too obvious at that point,” noted President-elect Barack Obama. “The Illinois Governor must have paid off the kicker. Even I could kick an extra point, despite the fact that I can only bowl a 35.”

The Feds have begun a separate investigation into the possibility of Blagojevich selling the NU kicker to Mizzou. It may also be apparent that Northwestern bought the extremely accurate Mizzou kicker from Blagojevich, as Mizzou missed a potential game winning field goal at the end of regulation. It is difficult to understand why only the kickers were bought off. Why would Blagojevich only sell the kickers? What happened to bribing the referees? Northwestern’s athletics have come a long way, but apparently have yet to learn the fundamentals of bribing. Northwestern will just have to wait until their next bowl game, in which we will party like it is 1949.