EVANSTON — Continuing their long tradition of commemorating every ethnic event with a mildly offensive meal, NU Cuisine announced that Allison Hall will have a Palestine-themed meal to celebrate their recent recognition by the UN. The decision has caused some division among students.

The Kosher station will rightfully become a Palestine station, according to Sodexo. Food will include Gaza chicken strips, cease-fire grilled burgers, and hummus on everything. NU Cuisine will divide Allison into three quadrants: the Israeli main room, the West Bank Public Affairs Residential College room, and the Gaza Strip Shepard Residential College room. CAs will patrol the entrances to each room.

“We are thrilled NU Cuisine recognizes Palestine as a legitimate state,” says Hooman Shams, president of Students for Justice in Palestine. “It moves us just as close to statehood as does recognition by the UN.”

But on this slightly Jewish campus, not everybody is pleased by the Palestine meal.

“We think having this Palestine dinner is as illegitimate as the meat Sodexo serves on Taco Tuesday’s,” says Zach Goldstein, treasurer of NU Chabad. “I just don’t see how it’s safe when the West Bank P.A.R.C. room is sending spitballs into our crowded tables.”

“We were in Allison first,” Goldstein added.

Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas and UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon have both come out in favor of the NU Cuisine Palestine meal. In a memo to Northwestern students, Abbas wrote, “We just hope that a peace agreement with Israel doesn’t take as long as it took Frontera Fresco to open.”

WASHINGTON – President Obama inadvertently left his microphone turned on last Thursday, bluntly revealing to the country what it means to be leader of the free world:

[10:02 a.m.] Glad this mic is turned off.

[10:05 a.m.] Yo Joe, if I had a son, I hope he wouldn’t look like Mitch McConnell. At least he’d be an American citizen, though. I’m glad we raised taxes so we could spend all that extra money of the birth certificate forging department.

[10:08 a.m.] Yo Joe, I still can’t believe Air Force One is a plane. I was pretty excited for the free pair of shoes.

[10:10 a.m.] Hey, underlings, put Netanyahu on the phone. I compel you… Hello. Is your refrigerator running? Well, you better catch it. Because America’s not going to help you out.

[11:30 a.m.] Stem cells for lunch again? Yes!

[11:45 a.m.] Oh gracious lord Mao. I am sorry I have missed praying at your shrine lately. I have had to pretend to go to church. It’s an election year. Please forgive me… I need your help. How can I send more American manufacturing jobs overseas? Hell, can I just send over Detroit? By the way, how is it down there?

[11:50 a.m.] Hey, Super PAC. We’ve got some things to coordinate… Yeah, let’s keep funding commercials for Santorum. Too bad that Gingrich thing didn’t work out.

[12:05 p.m.] God damn crackers. There are so many of them and they are all the same. I can’t tell them apart. But they taste great—I think Ritz are my favorite. Pass me some Ritz, Michelle.

[12:15 p.m.] McMullan. The Mullster. I’ve got some bad news. Got to cut your budget in half. No biggie. I might be able to send over all the US-Mexico border patrol to Afghanistan, though. I’m thinking about instituting a draft. Then all the immigrants who come over can take the jobs of the Americans who are fighting overseas.

[12:30 p.m.] Chief Justice. You’ve got to be kidding me with this individual mandate bullshit. My man Roberts, where you at? I worked pretty hard on that shit. Look at yourself. You’re going to need health care pretty soon. Why strike it down? Don’t make me fire you.

[12:45 p.m.] Sasha, make me some pancakes. Daddy’s hungry.

[12:48 p.m.] Oh, sweet mother of Lincoln. Is this thing on?

TEHRAN – Minutes after the Academy Award for Best Foreign Language Film was awarded to A Separation, the Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced that the country will abandon its controversial nuclear program. The president spoke from a makeshift stage set up in the middle of the city’s famous Azadi Square accompanied by a local dance troupe performing an elaborate interpretive dance sequence representing the award statuette.

“This is the joyous day when the great state of Iran, with its glorious history and people, is recognized for its cultural greatness,” said Ahmadinejad. “Let’s not forget: we beat an Israeli film.”

The Iranian President admitted that the whole “nuclear” deal was a ruse implemented so the nation would be taken seriously, increase its chances of winning the award. When asked to elaborate how exactly the pursuit of nuclear weaponry has helped the film, Ahmadinejad said “Well, it doesn’t matter. Guess what matters? Yep, that’s right, we beat Israel. We win.”

A Mossad agent who wished to remain anonymous told the Flipside that while the agency is pleased by this development, it is rather disappointed that its efforts to promote the Israeli film Footnote have been unsuccessful. “We tried very hard to prevent the Iranians from getting that award,” said the agent. “Ultimately, our strategy of sending free copies of the film to Jewish community centers around Southern California and New York just wasn’t enough.”

Inspired by the outcome, the United States Department of State is considering awarding North Korean leader Kim Jong-un with a Tony Award for his portrayal of Dear Leader in the play Glorious Country Has Magical Day Filled with Amazing Card Displays and Synchronized Dancing: Part 12.

JERUSALEM – Efforts to secure Israeli soldier Gilad Shalit’s release after five years of captivity hit an unexpected obstacle at the 11^th hour Tuesday morning. Israeli officials were up in arms over a $4.99 shipping and handling surcharge levied by Gaza militant leaders Hamas, reportedly threatening to issue a charge-back on the MasterCard if Hamas “continually refuse[d] to honor the original arrangement.” Despite threats of an Israeli walk-out, tensions were finally relieved as Hamas graciously agreed to waive the fee in exchange for the release of an additional 300 high-value prisoners.

Both sides were quick to claim victory following the exchange, and though I was refused an interview with Hamas officials, I witnessed much jubilant shouting and gunfire in Gaza, where released prisoners have been hailed as heroes, feted with gift bags of fertilizer and hydrogen peroxide.

“It’s time to get these men back to work!” one local explained merrily, playfully swinging gallon-jugs of bleach and ammonia. “The park is an absolute mess, and we need volunteers to clean it!”

In the border city of Ashdod, the mood was decidedly more somber as Talmud scholars held a summit on all that had transpired, seeking to provide solace to those left confused and scared by the day’s events.

“I really think we could’ve haggled it down to $3.49,” local grocer Moshe Rivlin cried tearfully. “How could our elected officials betray us like this?”

“Now, now, my friend, you’re looking at this the wrong way,” Reform rabbi Theodor Sharon exclaimed. “With their actions, Hamas has proved to the world their utter disregard for human life, even for their own soldiers! By equating 300 of their top men with a $4.99 fee, they’ve valued their own men as worth less than two cents each! The Palestinians will be outraged!” At this moment a new volley of gunfire and chanting could faintly be heard in the distance.

“Yes, they seem truly upset by this fact,” another rabbi observed.