MTV’s Jersey Shore Cast Raises Awareness for Spreading Medical Concern

SEASIDE HEIGHTS — While culture critics have decried Jersey Shore as “inane,” the season premiere of the reality show has brought an important health issue facing young Americans to the public consciousness. In Italy, a country famous for its cold climate and harsh terrain, Mike, Vinny, Pauly D, and the rest of the cast have suffered from “tanorexia,” struggling to maintain an even burnt-orange base-coat last season. The seriousness of their condition first became apparent when Snooki spotted a freckle on JWOWW’s paling left forearm.

This loss of pigmentation left them with symptoms that Northwestern Psychology Professor James Whitesides likened to those of depression and common anxiety disorders.

“When major life changes disrupt a healthy routine such as frequent UV exposure in tanning beds,” Dr. Whiteside explained, “it’s not uncommon for even extremely well-balanced individuals, like Ronnie, for example, to experience symptoms which affect their ability to form healthy relationships, and may even cause them to appear emotionally unstable.”

Beyond the strain tanorexia can place on such a seemingly constructive relationship as Ronnie and Sam’s, many viewers saw the inner turmoil of Vinny Guandagnino as the most poignant evidence for the tragic consequences of the disease. Bloggers speculate that the reality star might even go as far as to move out of the shore house in order to deal with anxiety struggles Dr. Whitesides says can almost certainly be linked to the increasing bronze-tone depletion undergone by the show’s cast over the past season.

Here in Evanston, Northwestern students especially may want to keep the threat of tanorexia in mind as Winter Quarter progresses.

“I’ve been pale my whole life,” Jennifer Smith, a McCormick sophomore, shared. “My mom always made sure I wore SPF 45 on vacation, and sales associates at Sephora always advised me to go for the lightest shade of foundation, and I’m just really glad the cast on the show was able to convey the seriousness of tanorexia so that I can make informed decisions about my health in the future.”

As predicted by leading entertainment experts, this past week’s season premiere of Jersey Shore proved both thought provoking and socially relevant.

“What I like most about the show,” Smith told The Flipside, “is how much I relate to the characters. There just aren’t that many shows about real young people that deal with the issues that affect us right now.”

JERSEY SHORE—Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, a cast member of MTV’s popular reality series “The Jersey Shore,” has been denied a role in the Broadway remake of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, after much speculation. Casting directors, who have already picked Rosie O’Donnell for the role of Augustus Gloop, stated that Snooki was just “too orange and too short.”

Being denied a callback has been rough on Snookers, particularly since she received the rejection letter just hours after Ron “Ronnie” Magro agreed to play the role of Machamp in Pokemon on Ice! Furthermore, Paul “DJ Pauly D” Delvecchio is reportedly slated to play the role of Goku in the Off-Broadway rendition of Dragonball Guido. Meanwhile, in an effort to give back to the community, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino has teamed with Home Depot to give home supplies to the impoverished in a program dubbed “Tools from Tools.”

Sources tell the Flipside that the increased presence of cast-members outside their breakout show has boosted ratings immensely. MTV responded in a statement that their producers are ecstatic about the increased popularity, as well as their recent potty-training.

Snooki, however, has not reacted so pleasantly. “When I heard the phone quack, I just knew it was bad news,” stated Snooki. The guidette’s fake tan ran as tears dripped down her face. “Why do they, like, get to do everything when I am so hot?” she continued. “It’s like a punch in the face.”

MIAMI, FL — Much to the relief of Jersey Shore fans everywhere, it has been confirmed that due to the lack of brains to be had throughout the group, they will all most likely be safe during the zombie apocalypse. So will the people who watch the show.

When asked how she felt about being able to survive the zombies, Snooki’s immediate response was, “Behhhhhhhh. Are any of them gorilla juiceheads?” Jwoww agreed, but was upset that the zombies would be more interested in snacking on brains than they would be in eating ham and drinking water with her.

The Situation and Pauly D. are both hoping that some of the zombie girls are cute and “not total grenades.” “Once she sees these abs,” the Situation told a Flipside reporter, “they won’t even remember they’re after brains. I bet there are some living parts they miss their zombie guys having, if you know what I mean.”

Vinny said he hopes they don’t get pinkeye if they eat his brain, Ronnie just laughed throughout the whole interview, Angelina is mad at everyone and left the house, and Sammie is considering feeding Ronnie to the zombies, but isn’t sure; they’ll probably get back together tomorrow.