Why Do Brits Love Their Royal Family?

By Andrew Schneider

Seems I can’t take three steps these days without someone running their yap about the royal wedding. It could just be that I consider myself a true American, with apple pie in my gut and cholesterol in my veins, but I have a truly difficult time giving any sort of a flying fuck about this wedding. Hell, I can’t even stand weddings for people I know, but for whatever reason Brits and Americans have come together to make this the Anglo-Saxon event of the year, at least until Keith Richards’s funeral (seriously, it can’t be much longer now).

Some people have told me they’re watching it for the “red carpet” beforehand; a parade of inbred dukes and earls who may be unaccustomed to daylight, but are quite confident in the fact that they’re better than you. And yes, Prince William may be one of the “good ones”, but let’s not forget brother Harry, the Nazi-dressing, Pakistani-bashing prince. He may seem more redneck than royalty, but remember, folks, there’s about equal levels of inbreeding and incest in both.

And the Brits eat this shit up! They pamper these freaks, getting nothing in return, but rather than go all Bastille Day on their asses, they giggle merrily and talk about how “romantic” it all is! The only question I can ask is: why?

I Dunno, Why Do You Jews Love Circumcision?

By Harry, Prince of Wales

Believe it or not, tradition counts for something, right? People try to uphold the ideals that their parents and ancestors held dear, and even fought for, but maybe you’re on to something. Maybe the monarchy is just a vestigial tail on the body of Britain, and it’s time to slice ‘er up like a Jewish wang. Keep in mind, I never asked to be prince! Why do you think I’ve tried so hard to make the public hate me? Two years ago, I called one of my Pakistani soldiers a “raghead”, and now I’m a bloody Captain? They actually let me fly an Apache, despite my record as a pot-head, all because it reminds them of my grand-daddy!

You love to rag on us whenever we mess up, and maybe we haven’t had the proper exposure to other cultures, but you really can’t blame us for that! After our mom passed on, it was you people who tried so hard to keep my siblings and I sheltered, but then we were sprung onto the scene without any sort of real preparation! I didn’t even have my own press secretary until I was sixteen! How could you expect me to not smoke pot and dress like a Nazi?

So, no, I can’t tell you why they love us, but who are you to go around telling people what they can or can’t enjoy? You vulgar American; it’s so easy for you to judge while you go around lopping dicks off. Fuckin’ savage; you make me sick.

Terribly sorry, just had to get that off my chest.

EVANSTON—With students at Northwestern’s hea-a-a-a-a-a-rts already broken in excitement for Regina Spektor, Mayfest announced its second headliner for 2010 Dillo Day: Rabbi Joseph.

Famous for songs like “Shabbat Shalom!”, “Dreidel, Dreidel,” and “Give Me a Fucking Break, Palestine,” Rabbi Joseph’s name was a hard-won prize for NU. As with Spektor, Hillel contributed a large portion of their vast funding received through various donations, matzah sales, and Ponzi schemes. At least thirty percent of campus is schvitzing with excitement; many others are converting.

“Dude, Rabbi Joseph knows how to play that shofar,” says sophomore and future crowd surfer Levi Maccabi.

With the canting of Rabbi Joseph, the “Kosher Kid,” also comes new Dillo Day activities. There will be a hamantaschen station, matchmakers, and a cultural center to explain what this shit means.

One small issue, critics say, is that Dillo Day takes place on a Friday, the Jewish day of challah. This problem was put to rest, as “Rabbi Joseph will be too fucking wasted to care that he is playing on Shabbat,” according his website.

However, not everybody on campus was pleased with the choice. Students like John Mark Matthews, a member of the Harmony, Spirits and Redemption acapella show, are crusading for a different artist.

“I’m tired of Hillel running campus,” says Matthews, a blonde-haired, blue eyed junior. “Rabbi Joseph hasn’t produced something good since his Pink Floyd pseudo-sequel The Western Wall.”

WILLIAMSBURG, NY—Rabbi Zev Cohen announced on Monday that the Kid-Oriented Semetic Heritage Expression Registry (KOSHER) has officially created a child-friendly mascot commemorating the holiday of Passover, Schleppy the Passover Lamb. “We noticed the success of the Easter Bunny,” explained Cohen, “and thought it would be smart to create a mascot to emulate its success.” Cohen’s bubbe then interrupted the press conference by asking the rabbi if he wanted more lox, causing a 5-minute interruption.

The contest to design the mascot received over 1000 submissions, including Harry the Hard Boiled Egg, Gil the Gefilte Fish, and Peter the Parsley-dipped-in-saltwater. Jacob Rubenstein of Teaneck, NJ submitted the winning design. When asked why he thinks he won, Rubenstein answered, “I know a guy.”

Schleppy plush dolls have hit the market en masse. Each doll can utter several phrases, including “Have a happy Passover”, “I found the Afikomen”, and “What’s the deal with airplane food, anyways?” Approximately 100,000 Schleppy dolls were sold in the first day alone, with only 45,000 returned for store credit.

KOSHER has also expressed interest in holding a new “Sunday Shabbat” before the beginning of the holiday and organizing a matzah ball hunt at the local JCC.

Unfortunately, Schleppy’s future is in doubt after two KOSHER members were named in the recent Passover scandal, Yeastgate.