EVANSTON – The online quiz site Sporcle.com released its weekly college rankings Monday, and Northwestern University was for the first time in the Top 10.

“While the number 10 is really not much different than, say, 12 or 13,” explained Northwestern President Morty Schapiro in an email to students sent at 2:00 AM, “it represents a symbolic victory in our decimal-based society. Let us celebrate our recognition as a top-tier school, where our students are able to name the US presidents, type the numbers 1-100, and identify the countries of Europe.”

Weinberg sophomore Alex Chen, a self-described Sporcle-addict, was quick to taunt some of Northwestern’s fierce competition in the rankings. “Screw you Georgia! We showed you what’s what! And watch out Vanderbilt, we’re coming for ya. GO ‘CATS!”

While the Sporcle rankings are recalculated weekly, with schools often moving from a lofty place in the top five to being unranked at all in less than a month, the Northwestern community has not hesitated to revel in its accomplishment.

Mayor Tisdahl cited Northwestern’s success in the rankings as one of the reasons for allowing the Keg to reopen. “Our city’s university has demonstrated success in these national, competitive mentally stimulating diversions. This could only have been possible if our students were responsible and hard-working. I decided that this meant our community was mature enough to handle beloved sources of debauchery like the Keg.”

In order to facilitate continued success in the Sporcle rankings, Norris will be offering a mini-course designed to help students achieve on the website. Lessons include “The Basics of Anatomy: Three Letter Body Parts” and “The 200 Most Mentioned Harry Potter Characters: Mnemonics are Fun!”

EVANSTON – The Northwestern community’s worst fears came to fruition last week when The Keg of Evanston’s liquor license was revoked. Although the decision by Mayor Tisdahl hardly seems unexpected, the decision has far-reaching effects that have surprised the community.

“My friend Dave and me used to trade Pokémon cards there after school,” local fifth grader Danny Popps told Flipside reporters. “I would usually order a beer, but Dave always had a martini; he’s real fancy and stuff.”

The Keg was almost a haven for fake IDs, as it was notoriously known as being full of underage drinkers.

“I once convinced the bouncer I was the [Keg’s] owner,” Kelly Scotts, a Weinberg Sophomore, recounted. “He let me right in. It was easier to get into The Keg than it is to get into community college.”

Danny Popps rarely had any trouble getting in despite being just ten years old. “Ever since we drew self-portraits in art class last year, it’s been super easy to get drinks. I used crayons to make my own fake ID. Works great. Sometimes my friend Dave has trouble, but that stopped once he started using a fake mustache.”

The Evanston and Northwestern communities currently face a great quandary: what in the world could possibly replace Keg Monday? Hillel Monday? Probably not. Burger King Monday? That would get old quick. Parkour Monday? That would be fun, but it would be more fun drunk. Protest in front of Mayor Tisdahl’s house Monday? That sounds about right.

“I don’t know where us underage people are going to drink now,” added Danny. “Guess we’ll just have to wait until Dillo Day.”

EVANSTON – The slew of Facebook posts, video homages, and other means of gratuitous whimpers regarding the recent revoking of the liquor license of beloved local bar ‘The Keg of Evanston’ has slowly wound down, much to to the dismay of patrons of the bar. Collectively, the complaints about Mayor Tisdahl’s decision to revoke The Keg’s liquor license, which have lasted nearly 3 months, have become an event in and of themselves that has overshadowed the actual closing of the bar. An anonymous Northwestern student remarked on this phenomenon, “Yeah, the Keg was a good time, but I never got the opportunity to just bitch my heart out before the Keg closed. I’m going to miss being able to whine constantly without being judged.”

Other students share similar sentiments. A petition has been drafted, addressed to the City of Evanston, in an attempt to impede — but not stop — the inevitable closure of TKOE. The petition contains a clause that stipulates, ‘If this petition is to succeed in fully restoring TKOE to its former status, the support for this petition will be rescinded, effectively negating any positive effect on the bar.’ Says the lead writer of the petition, “We just want to buy The Keg some time so we can continue to complain about its unfair demise.’ It seems that the student body has joined unanimously in protesting the end of protesting the end of the Keg.

No one has been more vocal about the Mayor’s decision than Northwestern freshman Tanya Baker. She claims she was the 2,500th person to update her Facebok status with a diatribe against the Mayor, which was, in her eyes, a “courageous and effective form of protest”, despite her admission that she has never actually visited The Keg.  She noted that, lately, her Facebook rants “don’t get likes anymore”. Seemingly furious at the implication that complaining about The Keg’s downfall has gone out of style, Tanya has redirected her rants towards fellow students; “R.I.P. supporters of TKOE” was her most recent status.

Tanya’s friend Sarah, on her attempt to coax Tanya into moving on, said, “Tanya won’t stop because she’s anxious that her friends from home won’t believe that she actually went out to bars during college if she stops complaining about the death of the 9th-best college bar in the U.S.”

A 60-year-old man who frequented the bar, who requested his name go unmentioned, is also worried, but for entirely different reasons. “I’m that guy who used to sit in the corner and glare over the top of my mug o’ beer at them college students dancin’ all around,” admitted the regular. He has become aware of the decreasing amount of angst, and it makes him think that those college students don’t “feel the same way about [him] as [he] does about them.”

Mayor Tisdahl has also expressed dismay at the reaction to her decision. “It’s not that I thought it wouldn’t be controversial”, says Tisdahl, “I just hoped it would create a backlash that would last much longer. I’m not going to get this much attention again until my funeral.”

One cannot help but sympathize with the mayor, as well as the members of the Evanston community who once were able to complain loudly and incessantly about the closing of The Keg, only to have the one-of-a-kind experience slip through their fingers. They’ll be forced to go back to grumbling about their Physics midterm or the seasonably cold weather.

EVANSTON – Evanston Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl announced Monday that she is permanently closing local iconic bar, The Keg of Evanston, due to repeated charges of underage drinking.

Tisdahl explained, “When an establishment breaks the law, it must be warned, and then punished. When it continues to break the law, it must be shut down.”

The announcement did not come as a surprise to Evanston residents, as Mayor Tisdahl has previously supported efforts to enforce Evanston’s “brothel law” and denied a liquor license to “The Tilted Kilt,” another local restaurant, last spring.

What was surprising was the lack of opposition from the voice of the Northwestern student body, known party fanatic Morton Owen Schapiro. He declined to comment on Mayor Tisdahl’s announcement, but his secretary reported that “Morty has been extraordinarily depressed by his failures to keep Tisdahl in check and fears she may yet succeed in returning Evanston to the nineteenth-century dream of Frances Willard, a world of pure sobriety.”

President Schapiro was seen in his office, wearing a “Keg of Evanston” T-shirt and nursing a can of Bud Light.

Tisdahl also announced that she was ordering the Northwestern Panhellenic Association and Interfraternity Council to disband. “I understand that underage drinking is not confined to The Keg. That is why I am eliminating the Northwestern Greek system and reinstating Prohibition in our fair city.”

McCormick junior Alan Kaponé reacted to Tisdahl’s decree, “I don’t see the big deal. We’re Northwestern students; we can do anything we set our minds to. We’ll find a way to get alcohol. Some of us may even make a profit on it.”

Tom Migon, owner of the Keg, said he will be converting his bar into a pet store, called The geK-o. “No alcohol will be served there,” he promised.

Later Monday afternoon, The geK-o released the following advertisement: “Students who speak easily will be granted access to special discounts and offers in the back of the store.”

Flipside Exclusive!

EVANSTON – Reports indicate that Mayor Tisdahl has received a large sum of campaign donations from the ghost of renowned prohibitionist Francis Willard over the past few years. Leaked internal documents shows that Willard, lobbying on behalf of the Women’s Christian Temperance Union, has provided thousands of dollars for Tisdahl’s campaign.

Tisdahl has denied that her rigid stance against drinking, brothels and happiness was influenced by the donations.

“I have always fought hard for the peace and safety of this city.” Said Tisdahl. “If that goal happens to coincide with the mission of the good people at the Temperance Union, then so be it.”

When reached for comment, Willard replied “Boo.”

EVANSTON—Alarmed when she realized that she had neglected her plants on the Facebook application “Farmville,” Weinberg junior Mary Kate’s frustrated screams were taken out-of-context after being heard in the quad.

“No one has fertilized my crops in two hours!” Kate shouted angrily.

A member of Phi Mu Alpha (Northwestern’s music fraternity) happened to be walking by the Theta house when he heard Kate’s exclamation. He quickly posted the quote as his Facebook status, starting a snowball effect that quickly lost control.

Kate’s friend-with-benefits, Sean Fonnylee, a Communication sophomore and a member of Sigma Phi Epsilon fraternity, quickly caught wind of the swirling rumors. Although he tried to deny any romantic involvement with Kate, his fraternity brothers quickly ratted him out.

“I don’t get why she wanted a baby so badly,” said Fonnylee’s friend Brad Fifer. “But I could understand why Sean wouldn’t. Babies are the biggest bro-haters ever.”

Then, the shocking truth was revealed.

“It’s not that I don’t want to have a baby,” Fonnylee said. “I can’t.”

At the age of 18, Fonnylee was allegedly involved in a freak accident with a riding mower, a pop bottle and DVD that left him sterile. Kate released a statement to the Daily Northwestern claiming the debacle was all just a misunderstanding, but the damage was already done.

Fonnylee recently went public with the information that his deformed genitals and sterility were the result of an intense hazing ritual inflicted upon him as a Sig Ep pledge.

“They did awful things to us—unspeakable things. It was terrible, but it was so worth it. I mean, I’m fucking a Theta and I can raw-dog it.”