NORTH KOREA- On November 23rd, the nation of North Korea was nearly engulfed by the Pacific Ocean, becoming the most recent victim to rising sea levels this year. While most scientists have attributed this natural occurrence to melting ice caps and global warming, North Korean leader Kim Jong Il begged to differ, stating that he “often looks at the water, among many other things” and “had known for months that the Ocean was preparing to invade”.

Fearing the Pacific Ocean was attempting a coup, Kim began developing nuclear weapons in the 1990’s, eventually leading up to an active missile attack on the body of water in 2011, claiming that it was a “weapons test” gone awry. Over the next year, the leader developed his weapons using the latest advances in computer and Communist child labor technologies.

Believing that his arsenal is now ready for a full scale assault on the Pacific Ocean, Kim is threatening to use nuclear force unless the water withdraws immediately from North Korea. In response to the news of his threats, former U.S. Vice President and self-proclaimed Environmental Ambassador Al Gore reported “the threats against the Pacific Ocean . . . Kim Jong Il . . . global warming . . . America”.

Japanese Prime Minister Yasuo Fukuta also condemns the North Korean leader’s actions against the Pacific, having stated, “When Kim Jong Il fires his missiles into the ocean, all whales and dolphins will eventually be killed.” Fearing that his country will lose a valuable primetime spot on Discovery Channel’s hit show “Whale Wars”, Fukuta has asked the UN to intervene on Japan’s behalf. Meanwhile, the UN is still in deliberation about both why pictures of Kim Jong Il looking at things are so intriguing and whether they will let the United States intervene for them in yet another international conflict.

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SEOUL—A report surfaced early Friday morning that the North Korean military had successfully launched a rocket from a beach near Pyongyang. The rocket cruised 100 ft. across the beach before landing harmlessly in the breaking waves of the Pacific Ocean. “This is a great day for the North Korean military,” explained foreign official Kim-Seong Moon, “It truly establishes North Korea as one of the most potent military forces in the entire world.”

The rocket was clearly ineffective, as it fizzled over the Pacific. North Korea’s President, Kim Jong-Il, was exuberant regarding the success of the rocket, but admits it could have gone better. He hopes to give a non-Fisher-Price rocket a try in the coming months.

The rocket was North Korea’s third consecutive “successful” missile launch. One month ago, North Korean leaders experimented with the Fisher-Price “Little Einstein” rockets, tossing them around their backyard with looks of glee on their faces. Two weeks prior, North Korean army officers tested the nation’s first stomp rocket, later declaring the launch “a complete and total success, and fun too! Now the western world will truly pay.”

Western powers, specifically the United States and Great Britain, seemed not at all worried about North Korea’s capabilities. “They launched a toy rocket?” asked U.S. Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, “That’s cute. I did that with my 10-year old nephew last week.” President Barack Obama was similarly nonplussed. “I think I’ll launch an ICBM at Iraq, you know, just to prove to North Korea that we can launch stuff way farther than they can. Yeah, pissing them off doesn’t seem like it would be much of a problem.”

North Korea’s short term rocket tests are far from over. Next week, they will attempt to launch a high school rocketry project high over the Yellow Sea. After that, they have big long-term plans: potentially launching a real firecracker into the night sky over Pyongyang before moving past the Fisher-Price brand.