EVANSTON — A humpback whale washed ashore South Beach today and became beached when it could not move itself back into deeper waters. The whale remains on the beach now, but four Northwestern seniors who were playing volleyball at the time of the beaching responded quickly. They are providing continuous aid in order to keep the whale alive until the crane building the new music building can be requisitioned to lift the whale back into the lake.

Weinberg senior Katie Bogarty called the beaching “a dream come true.” Bogarty, president of NU Students for Saving the Whales, “never thought [her] club would accomplish anything useful.”

“Luckily I had just re-watched that Seinfeld episode where George saves a beached whale,” continued Bogarty, “and so I knew just what to do.”

Bogarty took control of the situation by yelling, “Quick! Is anyone here a marine biologist?”

Miraculously, her volleyball opponent Melody Xin was, and Bogarty reluctantly turned over the rescue efforts to someone who might know what they were doing.

“I had no idea there would be a marine biologist,” said Bogarty. “I really think I had that situation under control.”

Xin explained that she’s a double major and usually just tells people she’s studying chemistry. “It’s much more respectable.”

Xin rushed toward the whale and attempted to save it, prepared to use all her marine biology skills. She identified the species as humpback by its long pectoral fins, measured its length at 13 meters and estimated its weight at 34,000 kilograms. That done, she stepped back, wiping her hands in triumph and looking especially pleased with herself.

“Once they beach, there’s pretty much no hope for them,” Xin told the confused onlookers. “So, yeah, that whale’s a goner. But how cool is it that I was able to identify it?”

“What really puzzles me,” Xin wondered aloud as waves gently lapped the struggling mammal, “is how on earth a whale made it to Lake Michigan. Even if it did manage to swim from the Atlantic ocean through all the canals and rivers, whales are salt water creatures, and Michigan is a fresh water lake.”

An investigation conducted into this matter has shown the whale to be inflatable, placed into the lake by several McCormick sophomores at North Beach.

MILWAUKEE – In response to the milk spill that covered the western rim of Lake Michigan with a layer of milk fat, President Obama visited the shores of Milwaukee to encourage the thousands of volunteers helping in the cleanup effort.

The spilled milk has since spread over a large area, reaching as far as Western Michigan and the north shores of Chicago. Images of flocks of geese covered in milk fat have gathered attention from the press and garnered criticism for the lack of early response.

According to experts from the Federal Emergency Management Agency, while milk is biodegradable, the bacterial growth coming from bad milk will most certainly disrupt the environmental balance of Lake Michigan irreparably.

Republican leadership has since strongly criticized the president for the failed joke during the State of the Union address, calling the joke “utterly tasteless” and the president “out-of-touch.”

“But seriously, what are the odds that something like this would happen?” muttered President Obama, looking crestfallen. “What people don’t understand is that I didn’t do this. I didn’t leave the milk out.”

Later, the President was forced to cancel a scheduled speech in front of the Milwaukee city hall when he broke into fits of sobbing.

EVANSTON—Northwestern President Morton Schapiro unveiled plans to supplement the Evanston campus’ lake fill with a private archipelago across Lake Michigan at his inauguration on Friday, Oct. 9. The plan will raise awareness about sustainability by using organic material from old-growth rainforests to fill the archipelago’s islands, Schapiro said.

Citing the cramped conditions of the Sept. 19 ‘Rock the Beach’ dance party thrown for freshmen during Wildcat Welcome Week, Shapiro noted in his inaugural address that “the time is now” for Northwestern to expand its beachfront acreage.

“It’s no secret that with the job market out the window, kids aren’t applying to school with hopes of future employment anymore,” he said. “The Northwestern student of the future is a student who wants to take full advantage of the temperate campus climate.”

According to Schapiro, the use of sustainable materials to build the archipelago islands was “fundamental” to the plan. Environmentalist and author Thomas Friedman, who gave opening remarks at the inauguration, praised Shapiro for balancing plans to improve the “hot, flat, and crowded” beaches with promoting environmental awareness.

“By collecting all this sustainable material and dumping it in Lake Michigan, Morty is showing that he’s aware of the environmental problems plaguing earth,” Friedman said. “Awareness is pretty much the same thing as taking action.”

Weinberg junior Sam ‘Earthpeace’ Johnson reflected on Friedman’s statements when interviewed after the inauguration.

“I’m aware of a number of troubling events taking place in this country and abroad,” Johnson said. “It’s comforting to see that our President shares our level of awareness.”

Many students who are less aware supported the plan as well. Varsity golf captain Neil Claymore said that the team will attempt to adopt the archipelago as its home course. Senior marijuana user Fred Parker added that the islands will be a great place to “relax, man.”

Environmentalists and residents of South America were glad to see that awareness was instrumental to the archipelago project. However, some expressed doubts about the project.

“Where did our rainforest go?” one resident asked.

EVANSTON—Several members of the Northwestern Women’s Lacrosse Team, who (hopefully) just won their fifth national championship in as many years, are able to turn water into wine and perform other miracles, according to several sources close to the team.

“We went to a party to celebrate the championship,” said senior leader Hannah Nielsen, “but it was already dry. Luckily, that’s no problem for us. They fetched us some tap water, and the party really got started.” Attendees of the party were amazed at the quality of the wine, and the iridescent rays of light that beamed down upon the team as they performed the miracle.

Later, team members were seen playing a quick pickup game of lacrosse on top of Lake Michigan. “They were just running and jumping on top of the water like Jesus or something,” said passing sophomore Jacob Herman, “I’ve never seen anything like it.”

God, creator of the universe, was equally impressed by the team’s impressive feats. “Yeah, I created the world in seven days,” explained the benevolent deity, “but five straight national championships? From a Midwest school? Are you kidding me?”

With the lacrosse season out of the way, the team should have more free time for personal matters. “I’m planning on ending world hunger, myself,” explained team member Katrina Dowd, “but everyone has their own goals. I think Hannah [Nielsen] mentioned dying for our sins or something, whatever that means.”