THE INTERNET — The Northwestern University Class of 2017 Facebook group saw a three-hundred percent increase in activity this past week when soul-searching accepted student Alyssa Gianonne asked the deep and philosophical question preoccupying every early-decision applicant’s mind: “So what’s everyone, like, MOST excited for next year?” Gianonne commented on her own post thirty seconds later explaining that marching through the historic campus arch, erected in 1993, is something that she predicts will be life changing.

Within minutes, Gianonne’s post received over 340 comments and 287 likes. Accepted student Thomas O’Hara commented, “I’m basically going to live in Norris. I heard it’s super convenient and centrally located, and I just can’t wait to get my mouth on some savory Frontera!”

Another incoming freshman, Robert Grisi, expressed his excitement for “just lying on the Lakefill and relaxing” in the consistently nice weather. “Did you guys hear they even have WiFi? I bet we’ll be able to start doing our homework out by the lake by, like, March! NU’s the coolest!”

The remainder of the comments expressed varying degrees of enthusiasm, and there was a group consensus that it was definitely better they were going here and not one of those “stupid Ivies like Columbia or Yale.” Many also gushed over the school’s proximity to Chicago. “I plan on going in at least once a week, maybe even more. I rode the train all the time in Butte Falls, Oregon, so if anybody needs ‘El’ advice, I’m your girl!” wrote an excited Andrea Park.

Another student, Alex Czirmer, a self-identified “chill bro who’s always looking for a party,” who has also reportedly friend-requested over 95% of the females in the Class of 2017 group, asked about the intricacies of hot cookie bar. “So is this code for an alcohol bar or a bar that serves cookies as well? How exactly do you guys think it works?” inquired Czirmer.

Kerry Stahlin found the thread particularly helpful. “Some of the virtual friends I have made in the group are amazing, and I know we will all hang out once we get to campus!” exclaimed Stahlin. She even proposed that they all paint The Rock the first night, so it can say “Freshmen Rock!” for the entirety of welcome week.

EVANSTON – Two prospective students and their helicopter parents died Tuesday during a tour of Northwestern. The tragedy occurred after Mrs. Maddie Lees, 46, and Ms. Rebecca Schlessinger, 48, started asking a series of questions about standardized test scores that spun out of control.

Mrs. Lees started to lose control when she learned that SAT IIs were recommended, but not required, even though she personally paid for a private US History tutor and do you know how much those cost.

The tour guide, George Smiley, tried to diffuse the situation by talking about the history of Kresge.

“I was getting pretty nervous when they started hovering over me and even walking in front of me,” said Smiley. “I mean, I’m used to having parents ask all the questions in a tour and telling their kids to shut up, but this was something else.”

“I can’t wait to turn this story into an endearing anecdote,” Smiley added.

Mrs. Schlessinger, seeing an opportunity to befriend the tour guide and therefore guarantee admission for her daughter, told the guide he this was the best tour she had ever been on. She went on to say what a great SAT II policy Northwestern has.

In response, Mrs. Lees swung out her purse and pulled out information brochures from other schools, pointing at their SAT II policy. Seeing the prestige of the schools on the information brochures, Mrs. Schlessinger whipped out her purse and pulled out her copies. The two purses became tangled and mothers veered off course, crashing into the Lakefill.

Their children, Zack Lees and Lauren Schlessinger, were taken down with them.

“It’s a real tragedy,” Northwestern admissions officer Rita Conroy said. “Those kids could have lowered our admission rate.”

EVANSTON – Northwestern University Facilities Management announced today that the scheduled burn at the lakefill lagoon successfully burned off 14 species of invasive plants and approximately 700 Northwestern Athletics t-shirts that in hindsight should have never been made.

“These controlled burnings help the ecology of the green spaces on campus,” said Ron Nayler, Associate Vice President for Facilities Management.

“They also give us an opportunity to get rid of some of these ridiculous t-shirts. Like this one right here,” said Nayler, throwing a purple t-shirt reading “ALL WE DO IS WIN” onto the blaze.

Nayler notes that these burnings not only cure the local ecosystem, but also help students deal the deep sense of shame many Wildcats fans often feel. “These kids get way too excited over that one unexpected win over some school like Nebraska and then make a ridiculous shirt that you can’t wear anywhere without feeling self-conscious. Burning these shirts allow students to come to a closure of yet another awful athletics season. It’s also a good lesson for anyone who has trouble understanding the idea of hubris.”

Twenty upperclassmen who were recently unfriended by head football coach Pat Fitzgerald showed up to burn their “FITZ IS MY FACEBOOK FRIEND” shirts. Also included in the burnings were shrubs of butterfly bush, wintercreeper and lilyturf, “Chicago’s Big Ten Team” basketball shirts, Mirkovic authentic jerseys, a witch who actually turned out to be a theatre major, the limited-release “Demos is a Greek god” shirts and a collection of Coach Carmody’s Christmas ties.

SKOKIE – One Northwestern freshman spent the most anticipated day of the year aimlessly wandering through the scenic village of Skokie. The hours of a.m. drinking forced David Eager to head West on Dillo Day, instead of East toward the lakefill.

“There are really only two things you need to know how to do on Dillo Day,” Mayfest co-chair Chase “Maystache” Jacksons explained to Flipside investigators. “Drink large quantities of alcohol and have the common sense to head towards music in the same direction as a shitload of people.” Eager managed to accomplish the first task so well that the second became difficult.

“I was just drinking whatever people were giving me, hopping fences, going from house party to house party. Thought I really built up my stamina from that ‘Defining Moments’ party last week. Guess not.”

Eager got separated from his friends after experiencing confusion as to where exactly Simpson Street ended. He decided to head toward the Lakefill to meet up with them, but by this point the freshman was seriously disoriented.

“I had no clue where I was, let alone which way to go. I just picked a direction and started walking, hoping I wouldn’t be late to my first Dillo Day.”

Skokie police officers found Eager in a park next to Old Orchard Mall “mostly fist pumping” in front of a swing set.

“Once I found an open patch of grass, I thought I was there. It wasn’t until my buzz wore off in the squad car that I realized something was wrong…mainly that my buzz was wearing off.”

One Skokie resident tried to aid the “clearly out of place, slightly abusive, and heavily pee-stained” NU student.

“He kept asking me where the pornographers were,” the resident informed The Flipside. “Also something about how ‘Bob’ had nothing on me. I don’t know any Bob.”

After the embarrassing rookie mistake, Eager plans to take preventative measures for next year.

“Dillo Day 2012 is going to be the best. I’m going to camp out on the Lakefill the night before. Just in case.”

On the evening of Friday, November 13 at approximately 8:00 PM, multiple Northwestern students reported seeing a polar bear climb out of a mysterious and previously unnoticed hatch on the Lakefill. The students, who were leaving a “Lost” fan club meeting in Norris, reported seeing the subject leave the hatch and run north along the lake. There have been no further sightings of the subject,  described as being a 500 lb. white male about six feet in length.

Further investigation of this report uncovered a gas leak in the Wildcat Room of Norris, where the “Lost” fan club meets. Gas inhalation is known to cause both auditory and visual hallucinations, especially in those addicted to convoluted television shows with improbable plots.

The University Police reminds all members of the Northwestern community that there are no polar bears in the Evanston area and that they should think twice before reporting such phenomena.

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This message was sent using the NU Bulkmail service to Evanston Faculty, Evanston Staff, and Evanston Students with urgent priority.

By The Lakefill Monster

Ok, so let me get this straight. There’s a luscious pool of what is clearly imported glacier water from Switzerland in the middle of campus and you’re not gonna take a dip because the school says you shouldn’t? You’re killing me. Get your youthful sense of adventure together and just seize the day! Worst case scenario – you’ll get high on life. I never let a bunch of puritans in suits push me around, and you know what it earned me? A sweet-ass trident.

Whenever I see a morsel, er, Medill co-ed walking on shore secretly yearning to feel alive, I hate The Man just as much as the next historically non-carnivorous sea creature. The water is so inviting, yet so forbidden. You wouldn’t dangle ice cream in front of a toddler, would you? This is the exact same thing, man. The exact same, and it ain’t right.

I’ve even got everything you need. Fins and mask? Check. Snorkel? A-checkaroo. Hey, do ol’ Lakefill Monster a favor and be sure to put on the pre-swim lather. It smells curiously like soy sauce, but it’s just for tasty… I mean, safety. Just start with the feet. That’s it, they all start with their tender feet.

EVANSTON—Northwestern President Morton Schapiro unveiled plans to supplement the Evanston campus’ lake fill with a private archipelago across Lake Michigan at his inauguration on Friday, Oct. 9. The plan will raise awareness about sustainability by using organic material from old-growth rainforests to fill the archipelago’s islands, Schapiro said.

Citing the cramped conditions of the Sept. 19 ‘Rock the Beach’ dance party thrown for freshmen during Wildcat Welcome Week, Shapiro noted in his inaugural address that “the time is now” for Northwestern to expand its beachfront acreage.

“It’s no secret that with the job market out the window, kids aren’t applying to school with hopes of future employment anymore,” he said. “The Northwestern student of the future is a student who wants to take full advantage of the temperate campus climate.”

According to Schapiro, the use of sustainable materials to build the archipelago islands was “fundamental” to the plan. Environmentalist and author Thomas Friedman, who gave opening remarks at the inauguration, praised Shapiro for balancing plans to improve the “hot, flat, and crowded” beaches with promoting environmental awareness.

“By collecting all this sustainable material and dumping it in Lake Michigan, Morty is showing that he’s aware of the environmental problems plaguing earth,” Friedman said. “Awareness is pretty much the same thing as taking action.”

Weinberg junior Sam ‘Earthpeace’ Johnson reflected on Friedman’s statements when interviewed after the inauguration.

“I’m aware of a number of troubling events taking place in this country and abroad,” Johnson said. “It’s comforting to see that our President shares our level of awareness.”

Many students who are less aware supported the plan as well. Varsity golf captain Neil Claymore said that the team will attempt to adopt the archipelago as its home course. Senior marijuana user Fred Parker added that the islands will be a great place to “relax, man.”

Environmentalists and residents of South America were glad to see that awareness was instrumental to the archipelago project. However, some expressed doubts about the project.

“Where did our rainforest go?” one resident asked.

So I keep hearing about this Northwestern Lakefill and how it’s so glorious. Yeah, it has a nice view of Chicago. And sure, it provides people a nice place to run for a total of three months during the school year.

But Lake-FILL? I think not. This supposed engineering marvel “filled in the lake” to “add more land to the Northwestern campus.” Ludicrous! The lake is barely full at all. In fact, there’s a whole shit-ton of water left in the lake. What’s the deal? I thought Schapiro ran Northwestern, not Mayor Daley.

I mean come on; does it look full to you? On top of all of this, what does it say about the McCormick School if they cannot complete the simple task of filling the lake? This is an undone job, and people need to know. It’s a lake, not an ocean. This is just another example of Northwestern’s inability to properly relegate her funds. I mean really, do we need another frickin’ blue-light telephone? I say it’s about time to fill up the lake for real!

Dear The Northwestern Flipside,

Mitch Skillman

Dear Mitch,

I’m glad you asked, as there are a lot of really cool places where really cool people hang out and do really cool stuff. For instance, there is a popular vampire-themed dance club in the 28th sub-basement of Tech. Don’t worry, it has nothing to do with Twilight, many engineers simply find that long hours in Tech tend to instill a fear of the sun they haven’t seen in years and a taste for the blood of humanities majors.

For those looking for an older, more experienced crowd, Pick-Staiger includes a swingers club which is run in conjunction with the Northshore Retirement Hotel. Also not to be underestimated is the Cliff Diving Club, which meets on the lakefill at 2:00 on Wednesday mornings. While it is true that nothing even slightly resembling a cliff can be seen within miles of the lakefill, it’s certainly entertaining to watch them try.

Finally, for the truly adventurous, the nightly orgies on the roof of Slivka are not to be missed, especially in January. And you wondered why they never go outside.

EVANSTON—Robert Aban, a Weinberg senior from Baragoi, Kenya, surprised absolutely no one when he emerged victorious at Dance Marathon, which, as always, was held at Northwestern University the first week in March. Aban was able to establish a solid pace and never let up from start to finish, winning his third consecutive Dance Marathon.

“It is a great honor for my country,” a barely winded Aban said after the Marathon ended, “Kenya has a great tradition of Dance Marathoners, ever since Abebe Bikila won the first ever Dance Marathon in his bare feet. I am glad that I can add my name to that tradition.”

Aban completed DM in 30 hours, tying his own personal mark of 30 hours, and also tying the world record of 30 hours. Though he was only in 3rd place after Block 5, he was able to keep up a steady pace and pass McCormick sophomore Mahmoud Tannouz of Rabat, Morocco to take the lead during Block 8. After that, Aban never looked back and pulled away from the field.

Other DM participants were not surprised with Aban’s victory. “Yep, Robert won again,” said disappointed Medill junior Sam Jenkins, “That guy has won every year I’ve been here. It must be in his genes or something. After all, the whole group of kids from Ethiopia and Kenya never stopped dancing. I looked over during Block 9, and they were still going like DM had just started. It’s insane.”

Kenya is known for its long distance runners; its dancers do not receive that much media attention. “When I was a kid,” explains Aban, “most of my friends ran to and from school. I danced. I guess I was a little different.”

Northwestern’s attention turns now to the Dance 100-Meter Dash, which will be held the first weekend of May on the lakefill. Weinberg junior George Sinclair, from Kingston, Jamaica, is the favorite to win.