WASHINGTON, D.C. – Scientists have observed the presence of single-celled organisms in Mexico, inviting speculation that the arid wasteland may have sustained life at some point in the past, and could possibly be colonized in the future.

Scientists were quick to caution against unbridled enthusiasm, noting that while thermal imaging has identified possible sources of water just under the surface, probe results have indicated that the soil is an estimated 40% benzoylmethylecgonine (cocaine) and 30% concentrated lead.

The new discovery has reinvigorated public fascination with the red-stained wasteland, the likes of which has not been seen since the science-fiction revival of the 2120s, when films such as The Sands of Mexico and The Angry Red Nation were blasted by critics for their poorly-implemented 3D effects, as well as their nonsensical stories, in which bloodthirsty “Mexicans” attempted to attack America.

Despite the influx of major discoveries over the past few years, many researchers believe that a manned mission to Mexico will remain an impossibility for the foreseeable future.

“The environment’s just too hostile,” explained EPA head Jeff Martin. “It would be a suicide mission. I know the public’s just aching to see man set foot on Mexico, but I must remind them that the last time we sent a team of researchers, in the 2070s, all five members of the crew were reported to have suffered spontaneous decapitation.”

CHICAGO—Somewhere between Alfonso Soriano striking out and purchasing a hot dog for $6, most of the 800 Northwestern students at the Cubs-Marlins game began to wonder what the point of it all was.

“Being the lovable losers is nice,” said New York native sophomore Nate Atkins of the 14-18 Cubs, who haven’t won an MLB championship since 1908. “But what are they ultimately losing?”

“Nothing,” Atkins added.

Tucked away in the corner of Wrigley Field—a field so steeped in tradition that it has old fashioned vantage points where spectators can barely see the game—NU students looked at Cubs fans spilling beer over themselves, not remotely paying attention to the game, and screaming obscenities at the White Sox, the umpire, the opposing fans, and each other.

“Where are the Cubs going?” asked Boston native Lauren Wallace as fans starting singing ‘Go Cubs, Go’ with two outs in the ninth.

Carlos Marmol proceeded to walk a batter with the bases loaded and then hit back to back batters, causing the Cubs to lose 5-4.

“There is always next year,” said Cubs fan and Medill Freshman Seth Bernstine. “But what if there isn’t? What if 2012 actually happens? What if Lou Pinalla spontaneously combusts as he argues with the umpire? What even is a year but an artificial timeline constructed by man? If time is artificial, do we even have time? Why am I here?”

Well isn’t this just great? My life was finally starting to get on track. I was just beginning to like my job and I was actually making money in the stock market, if you can believe that. Then, all of a sudden, I come home, start up my Mac Book Pro, and boom, Facebook completely flips a shit! Does my life suck or what?

Facebook doesn’t care “what’s on my mind.” If they really cared, they’d change back to the old Facebook. Damn them. You know, why is everything that I post now considered “sharing?” Is this preschool or something? Facebook is for the big kids, not those little twerps who watch High School Musical all day (which is totally what I want to be doing but I can’t because I have to work).

Facebook actually has a vote out there. Can you believe that, a vote? Currently, 95% of people are against the new Facebook. 95%! Yet they haven’t switched back! The only explanation can be that they don’t intend to do anything. The existence of the poll is to give people peace of mind. Well let me tell you something, I have no peace in my mind, only hatred.

And don’t even get me started on whatever that shit is on the right side of the homepage. I mean really, what is that? Are they pictures which sometimes show up in the normal feed or are they groups and events? I don’t know. All I know is, New Facebook has ruined my life!