EVANSTON—Putting on and tucking in his Class of ’13 shirt, McCormick freshman Danny Gubin had a feeling it was going to be a good day. Gubin, often described as a real loser, then brushed his teeth with his electric toothbrush and flossed. Twice.

Gubin stared down at the condom given to him in his 6th grade health class, muttering to himself, “Today is going to be the day.”

After stumbling into the hallway over the “Our Little Boy Is In College” doormat his mom stitched him, Gubin smiled at Communication sophomore Maya Lev, who has over a 1000 Facebook friends.

“I told him he should take the price tag off his jeans,” reported Lev, who is looking for more community service hours.

Gubin, who has yet to make a friend on X-box Live, unlocked all 3 Kryptonite locks on his bike and then honked his bike horn at Kristen Melick, a Weinberg freshman.

“I saw that brace-faced, acne-infested buffoon on Sheridan,” Melick texted Flipside reporters. “It was disgusting.”

Gubin, who isn’t even friends with his dog, commented that Melick “looked like she just swallowed a bug, which is just ridiculous because everybody knows bugs cannot survive in the Evanston climate during October.”

“She pulled out her phone. I bet she was telling her friends about me!” said Gubin. “I’m so excited! I need friends… I almost made one once, but I then pulled out my pocket-abacus… that was a bad call.”

Turning on Noyes, Gubin waved at a girl in skanky-ass clothes. She asked him if he wanted a friend. Gubin said yes. She told him it would cost 40 dollars an hour.

“That was a good deal. I’ve never had a friend for that long. She even is willing to check out my dorm. I hope she likes my Captain Underpants posters.”

EVANSTON—Devoted fans of the Star Trek franchise, referred to informally as Trekkies, rejoiced yesterday as JJ Abrams’ critically acclaimed Star Trek prequel hit theaters last weekend. “Finally,” said local Trekkie Stephen Geary, “we Trekkies can get the respect we deserve.” He then made a “V” sign between his middle and ring finger and added, “Live long and prosper.”

With hordes of moviegoers attending the new film, Trekkies have been able to share their knowledge of Trek trivia. “It’s great,” explained a visibly elated Geary, “I can finally talk about Star Trek with someone other than my cousin and that creepy old man who lives in the apartment below me.”

Geary was seen outside the Evanston Century Theater yesterday with a group of people explaining the truth about Captain Kirk. “His eyes in the movie were the slightly wrong shade,” he explained to the slightly interested throng, “It goes against Episode 3.13 where Spock describes them as a ‘deep brown.’” He continued to walk with the crowd for several blocks and managed to make the entire trek without being asked to shut up. “That’s a first for me,” said the jubilant Geary through a smile.

Trekkies like Geary understand that they will only be cool for another couple of days before they go back to being losers again. “I’m taking every opportunity I can,” explained Geary, “In fact, I even talked Star Trek with a girl the other day. That was a neat experience.”

Other people are not as happy about the new movie. “For three days,” ranted Trekkie Mark “Captain Picard” Williams, “all people have wanted to talk to me about is that movie. No one wants to hear a word about my action figures that could be worth a fortune one day.” Williams then continued in Klingon, “baQ qa’rol cha QeH jIH!”

EVANSTON—If you haven’t listened to each of Barry Joshenstein’s songs 18 times yet, you must have zero taste in music. Just ask Barry himself.

“My music is amazing!” said Barry. “It’s more catchy that the Beatles, more badass than Biggie Smalls, and more emotional than Death Cab, but much less wimpy. There is no way anybody can say anything bad about my stuff.”

Joshenstein started his own Facebook fan page about a week ago to promote his music in an effort to gain infinite riches and world stardom by next Thursday at the absolute latest. So far, his page boasts 37 fans, only 35 of which were invited by Barry himself.

“People might think I’m all into myself by starting my own page,” commented Joshenstein, “but if I can’t just sit there and be unfamous and let the billions slip through my hands. The world deserves to know about me.”

Thoughts on Barry’s music range from “okay-ish?” to “please kill me now, this is horrible.” Barry’s girlfriend Cori Weinberg had this to say about his compositions: “I mean, they’re not that great, but music means a lot to Barry-Bear so I try to support him as much as I can. He promised I could be one of the VIP roadies on his world tour he’s going on next month. Like seriously, who would waste the opportunity to go to Reykjavik and Addis Ababa?”

Barry has released three songs on his page so far, titled “I See Me When I Look at You,” “What’s in it 4 Me?” and “Lotta Richez, Lotta Bitchez.” When asked which was his favorite, he simply responded, “They’re all better than the others.”

Only time will tell if Joshenstein can achieve all of his goals. However, one thing is clear. The only thing his Facebook does is make him look like a self-centered loser.