CHICAGO- The citizenry of Chicago was struck with awe today as they read the lyrics to Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit” that 16 year old Roland Buchanan had posted on Facebook early this morning. At 8:15 AM, students at Evanston Township High School saw Buchanan typing on his cell phone during a math lesson. “That kid is such a badass,” reported Steven, a classmate of Buchanan’s. “Nobody uses their phones during a lesson. It’s totally against the rules.” According to other sources, Buchanan was “really bored” because the lesson was “like totally suckish.” “When I read the post after class, I was blown away. Roland’s words touched my heart in a way that Edward Cullen’s never could,” stated Sarah, another classmate.

Purveyors and patrons of literature agree that Buchanan’s use of the song lyrics unlocks an aspect of words that hasn’t been seen since the time of Shakespeare. “The depth of these lyrics transcends the literal, and nearly borders upon the metaphorical,” said literary analyst Edith Schulman. “It’s as if Nirvana wrote the song so that Roland could use it to express the hardships of the average young adult in America. He really brings out the true meaning of the words.”

Others have compared Buchanan’s lyrical status to J.D. Salinger’s “Catcher in the Rye”, saying it shares the same degree of teenage angst that Holden Caulfield has at the façades and masks people in society are so often defined by. “It’s like nothing I’ve ever encountered before,” reported Katy Johnson, an English major at Northwestern University. “Until now, I had only ever read things by authors like Faulkner and Blake. These lyrics, nay, this poetry, is so full of raw emotion. It’s so… so pure.”

Johnson’s sentiments are shared by many others in the distinguished literary circles of the Chicagoland area. For his clear creative talent, Buchanan has been called “the voice of his generation” and nominated for the $100,000 Ruth Lilly Poetry Prize from the Poetry Foundation. Barnes and Noble will be hosting a reading of excerpts from Roland Buchanan’s status to help fund the ailing company and spread the joy of literary art throughout the inner city.

ATLANTA—Rapper T.I. helped coax a suicidal man down from a hotel roof in midtown Atlanta on Wednesday, the Associated Press reported.

One correspondent on the scene was able to listen to the conversation that took place between the hip-hop star and the would-be jumper. The following is a transcript of the exchange:

T.I.: What up? What’s haapnin’???

Man: Not much. Ummmm…I’m standing on the ledge of a roof. I’m gonna jump and kill myself.

T.I.: Why you wanna go and do that?

Man: Because I hate my life. I wrote a suicide note, I’ve got it right here. Want me to read it to you??

T.I.: Uh go ‘head. Go ‘head.

(The man reads the note)

Man: That’s why. I’m sick of living a horrible life. I probably live the most miserable, awful, tragic life anyone’s ever lived.

T.I.: Hey, whatchu know about that?

Man: Me??? What do YOU know about having a bad life? You’re a famous rapper.

T.I.: Hey, I know all about that.

Man: Really? I don’t think so. I mean, I’m broke, depressed, addicted to drugs, a felon, and diabetic. And I live in downtown Atlanta. If you can even THINK of anything worse that could be on that list, I would be very impressed.

T.I.: Dead and gone.

Man: Whatever. Contrary to what you think, I would be much better off “dead and gone.” And you didn’t even sing that. It was that Timberlake guy.

It was at this point that pop singer Rihanna showed up and tried to convince the man to come down as well.

Man: Rihanna??? What the hell???

Rihanna: Just live your life.

Man: Wow. You know…I’ve never really thought about it that way before. I’m still not totally sure I want to come down though…my life sucks pretty bad…

T.I.: You can have whatever you like.

Man: Really??? Okay, I’ll be down in a sec.

After the man was escorted down from the ledge, he had a brief talk with T.I. in the lobby of the building before being taken to the hospital by Atlanta police.

When asked by the press what the most convincing part of T.I.’s appeal had been, the man replied, “You know how we talked in the lobby afterwards? He gave me like a half pound of weed. Seriously, it was a shit-ton. He’s a very convincing man.”

BOSTON—Thomas Fine, a linguistics professor at Harvard University, reported that he was “stumped for the first time in his life” after trying to analyze the words in Soulja Boy’s new single, “Trix be smackin my 24s, nah?” After a full perusal of the song’s lyrics, Fine concluded that the rapper’s lyrics “do not match up with any sort of language ever observed in the vast canon of human speech.”

Fine began his press release by speaking on Soulja Boy’s rhyme schemes. “In the second verse, Mr. Boy attempts to rhyme the words ‘hoes and bitches’ with ‘I throw them some fifties’. I have searched the Harvard database and there is no dialect known to man in which these words have even slightly similar phonetic construction.” The linguist also noted that approximately 75% of the rhymes consist of words ending in ‘ah’, such as ‘nah, ‘yah!’, and ‘cuzz ah’. “There are simply not enough words that end with this particular phoneme,” Fine noted, “that would make it possible for about half of these rhymes to be remotely original.”

In addition to nonsensical rhymes, Fine explained that Soulja Boy also displayed a perplexing lack of sentence construction abilities. “He constantly interrupts his sentences to interject with seemingly random shouts and hollers. For instance, he starts a line with ‘I say to the hunnies every day,’ which seems normal enough, but then continues “YUZ SAYS WHAT CHYA YAHIN IN MY GRILL,” which makes absolutely zero lexical sense.”

Fine’s final analysis reported 90% sentence fragments, 4 words per sentence, and a second grade reading level. “The most bizarre line in the song,” he said, “is the 3rd to last one. Mr. Boy raps, ‘I wanna chill around.’ Doesn’t he know that prepositions aren’t something you can end a sentence with?”