EVANSTON – Last week, police were stunned at what they found at a Northwestern fraternity house when they happened upon a bag of marijuana and two pieces of drug paraphernalia. Police entered the house when a “faulty” smoke detector went off.

When asked about the situation Chief of Police Bill Carter said, he was “perplexed” by it all. He added, “It was just a normal day, I wrote the date, April 20th, in my ledger like any other. I did not expect there to be drug paraphernalia at the address.”

The president of the guilty fraternity was unavailable for comment, but Jack Jones, the head of the Inter-Fraternity Council, spoke with the Flipside. “This is the first time in all of my years, that I have seen marijuana at a fraternity house. I would expect this kind of conduct from the sororities, but never a fraternity.” He continued, “we only let morally upstanding young gentlemen join our fraternities. This is an outrage, and it reflects poorly on the entire Greek community.”

Reaction in the stoner community has varied greatly from giggling fits to extreme hunger. As avid pot enthusiast Anita Bonghit notes “it’s just crazy, man, that they would like find marijuana there, man. I want some Cheetos, do you have any Cheetos?” she later asked.

As of press time, the fraternity in question seems to have patched things up with Evanston PD by baking dessert for all of the officers, including a batch of their “famous” homemade brownies.

SAN FRANCISCO—When Brian Wilson recorded the final out of San Francisco’s Game 5 victory over the Walker Texas Rangers, the entire city was thrown into euphoria.

The celebration, however, was not a result of the Giants winning the World Series for the first time since the Fifties. More importantly, the day marked 44 years and three weeks since the Beach Boys released “Good Vibrations.”

“It’s a well-known fact that the Beach Boys and Mary Jane is a more American combination than a burger and freedom fries,” said stoner Lance Feinbud. “Today is a very special day for us, especially here in Cali.”

After the final out, thousands of fans hung around AT&T Park appearing to be celebrating a historic victory. In reality, most of those who stayed to watch the post-game festivities were simply admiring the pretty lights that came from the camera flashes.

Newspaper reports indicated that thousands of people attended the Giants’ victory parade, but it was discovered later that most people were there for a far different reason. General Tso’s Command Center, a small restaurant in Chinatown, was holding an egg-roll giveaway in celebration of the victory. “Everyone knows that Chinese food is godly when you’re stoned,” said Marley Jackson, a local unemployed musician. “This must be how people feel when they see Jesus and stuff.”

30,000 pounds of the finest ganja was expected to be shipped in for the victory parade, but it was seized at the U.S.-Mexico border by Snoop Dogg and his entourage who were short on chronic. “I had my Tanqueray, but how could I roll down the street sipping on gin and juice without smoking Indo?” said the rapper.

No one was more apathetic about the victory than star slugger Barry Bonds, who went to bed during the seventh inning as he was scheduled to appear the next morning at the local middle school to warn young student athletes about the dangers of drug abuse.

Reports that he later smoked a joint with Ricky Williams have not been confirmed.